Closure

[Clueless]

Has anyone had closure? Apologies and acceptance from their ex. I just keep holding on to hope that I will to help me move forward! I feel he needs to feel the hurt and pain that I have been going through for such a long time. He left over a year ago although still contact due to our children. He continues with the Mind games, the lies and cringey voice he uses when he speaks to me. I just want it all to stop and I don’t know if it ever will. I’m so angry and in a vicious circle because I still give him a chance to do this to me because I hold on to the fact that he will change. He will wake up and realise what he has done to me. I’m in a very dark place that he has caused. I hate having to watch him in a cosy new relationship close by with someone I know! I taught her children! He makes everything so hard for me. I’m in an area I don’t belong but was moved up here a few years back away from my friends and family and now all I have is me and my children when they are with me. I do work and enjoy what I do but my mind isn’t fully there because I’m still dealing with this. I just want it to all go away. Sorry for the rant but I’m on my own today feeling very sorry for myself. I’ve cracked open the wine to dismiss the pain that he has the children and I’m so bloomin miserable. Not the right way to deal with things but it’s all I can manage today.

[KIP.]

Hi, having him in your life will keep dragging you backwards. i know you have kids but can you move to where you have your own support network? Just because you share children doesn’t mean he has any rights to you or your life. I’d arrange contact via a third party. Use a contact book that goes with the kids for anything important. I’d even use a contact centre for hand over and pick up if you don’t have someone who can do that for you. Typical an abuser to find a new partner that he knows is inappropriate and will hurt you. Have a look at triangulation in domestic abuse. Any contact is toxic and need to be absolutely minimal or zero. I don’t think you ever get closure as such with an abuser while they’re in your life. Although life does get easier when you learn to accept the apology you will never get. You don’t ever have to listen to his cringe voice and no he won’t ever apologise because in his mind he’s done nothing wrong. Work on zero contact and cutting him out your life. If it’s pain you want him to feel, they can’t stand to be ignored and cut out your life. They crave the control even with someone new. She will be getting the same treatment you did. They never change x be careful about using alcohol to self medicate. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Have you had any counselling?

[Newbeginnings1234]

After I left my Husband repeatedly sent me really long emails and messages apologising, but it didn’t make me feel any better because I knew he wasn’t really sorry, he just wanted me to go back. It also made me look like a horrible person to everyone else because they said I was being too harsh by not accepting his apology. I don’t know your situation, but I know that for me, an apology didn’t help me to move on, it just made everything worse. And it’s unlikely that he will ever change, eventually his new girlfriend will realise that x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Clueless
No. None of them apologised. I ended up apologising to both of them. I still do sometimes in my head. I also curse at them. Still in my head. Or out loud in my place.
An abuser will never ever put himself in the position of truly apologising, unless there is some gain in it for him. It’s all very premeditated.
You see an abuser views you and him as winner and looser. You will have to be the looser in his eyes so he can be the winner. Reciprocity and equality never even enters his mind. The only person he might ever apologise to is his manager or anyone else in a position above him but certainly not to someone he has wronged and placed ‘under him’ in his hierarchical fantasy world of power.

I do find some closure I think…in the awareness that they are abusers and always will be and I made up my mind they will never be fair or willing to discuss anything, least of all any of their wrongdoings, they seem to have an aversion against it so what’s the point hey.
Find your own closure.
What helped me is grieve the loss of both, I still sometimes miss them, of what could have been, so sad, but I have taken off my rose tinted glasses and see the hallow self they truly are.
I am worthy of genuine healthy fulfilling relationships. I find some closure in attempting to elevate my worth to the level it was before I met them. To my original level of greatness 🙃

You will too find some closure, you deserve to be happy and treated well by everyone around you. You’ll get through this. Zero contact will help you tremendously to move on.
Take it easy tonight, drink your wine, sometimes it is needed, put on your favourite music, take a break and rest well.
Sending you hugs 💕

[Clueless]

Thank you for your time to reply, I’ve been having counselling for nearly 2 years and I was doing really well. This relationship of his has really knocked me back. It doesn’t help that I know her and her children who have all had a horrendous time with her ex. Which is sad to be moving on with another man who is abusive. When I was unaware of what was going on in my life I use to feel for her, how could a man do that to her etc but all the while it was happening to me.

You are right I will not get an apology, I’ve tried but he will just not talk about it. I fell out of love and we were just too different that’s his reason! I wouldn’t have given up my family for that reason! Never mind the coercive controlling sexual behaviour, the finance abuse the emotional torture he put me through. I’m just so angry. My anxiety is off the scale, I can’t leave the house and motivate myself to do anything. Why do I still let him win and find the confidence to get on with my life.
I think I would find no contact with him tricky in terms of the children. I have/am doing my absolute best to make this as lovely and easy for them to see us working together but on the other side of it I’m left dealing with that conversation then and it’s all raked back up in my head. But I will do that for the children. And to be honest that’s the only reason I’m still in this area, they love it here and are doing so well. I’ve already ripped their family apart I can’t take them away from what they know. I’ve just got to find the right way to deal with all of this. I have no answers for it right now. I’m just hoping one day it will work itself out and hold on to that.

Thank you for all of your reassuring words.
X*x

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