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How are we as people meant to get closure when your still waiting for results.
Im still waiting for my ex to be taken in for questioning nearly (detail removed by Moderator) after my attack, ive had to chase up the police and all i got was there busy, yes i understand there is more worse things going on in the world but am i just another number?
Im finding it easier to sleep which suprises me as he is still out there but i do get jumpy if i hear noises. I just want to move on with my life but cant, i cant delete the texts as they may need there as evidence so i keep reading through them. Im purposely stopping myself to let him go. Dont ask why its all a mess. -
Dear Chocolate, I can’t be sure about this, but all of the books & advice that I, ve had is you don’t get closure. I have just started reading Zari Ballads Stop Spinning Start Breathing, she says the chaos followed by silent treatment IS the closure. This book talks a lot about closure & what this is when dealing with an abuser. I would advise you to stop reading the texts. Are you still officially a couple at the moment or have you finished where you are both clear that is the position? My ex was treating me like rubbish but at that point we were still a couple, I were in limbo & needed it to move on as I were not willing to be treated like that.I finished it which gave me some closure at that point. If you are still a couple at the moment but due to his assault & arrest you want to draw a line underneath it & move on, the advice all of the books give now is to go No Contact, this includes not looking at any texts etc. The book No Contact by HG Tudor is great for this.
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Hi chocolatefudgecake iam same as you .. i have a lot of evidence on my phone too . I kept looking at them sometimes twice a day!! . I seen a lot of things he said etc .. and how it was all a game he never loved me .. it is so hard to let go till i have closure .. i emailed police to show them!! Ended up calling up . Asking if i was ok .. and referred me to mental health. My ex sent me crazy hun .. iam a loving person like you .. but i know i need help to get past the pain in caused me .. x
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We are officially over he made that quite clear. I duno wether to email the police the conversation as i dont really think there is anything on there they can pick up but they might think different. Im calling them again tommorow as its getting to me now. I will check out that book u said about healthyarchive.thanks for all the advice
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Dear Chocolatefudgecake, it is good that you are clear about the position, i.e you have finished, this takes away that confusion. You may be grieving over that as you didn’t really want him to say that?. I can see that you said that you just want to move on with your life, you may find it is not as easy as that. When I split up from my ex I thought great, thats done i can shed a few tears and move on, I was the dumper he was the dumped. It didn’t quite turn out like that and this is now some months after that happened. I cannot be sure exactly why this is. The counselling I had just after we split and the moderator on this forum told me that if you are dealing with a controlling person during the relationship it is possible they will wield control after you split. I have not been able to live a happy, free life since we split up, i suffer greatly from obsessive thinking, deep sadness and painful rejection feelings. I believe when i split up from him he took away my control of the situation. There is help out there and the books that I am reading at the moment advise me to approach his ‘n**********c indifference’ towards me in another way, i.e to ignore him rather than feel broken hearted and rejected. I am going to try this.
Dear Iamfree, I think it will help you to read some of the HG Tudor or Zari Ballard books. I think it is a game, they create an illusion pretending to be your ideal man to make you fall in love and bare your soul. In reality this is a mask & false, The Devils Toolkit talks about this quite well. I was with my ex for some time. I think his masked slipped a couple of times and I saw the real him, I also wonder if he was really a con man who pretended to be something that he wasn’t when really he was just wanting either money or life experiences as he did not have those things of his own. Had I not been savvy & switched on early he might have conned me out of everything that I have worked all of my life for. I thought he loved me and I loved him. -
Mine was a conn man .. i feel so stupid .as he was claiming disability benefit!! And working.. he made me do illegal things also … i cant believe i put myself in that situation i should of run x
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Yes my ex had a conviction for benefit fraud from years back. He lived on the wrong side of the law, him and his family. He would routinely without batting an eyelid evade his train fare. If an inspector got on his anxiety level would not raise one inch, he would calmly lie about why he didn’t have a ticket. I would be a nervous wreck. When he was doing these things I would think, ‘if you can calmly without emotion lie about that, what do you lie to me about?’.I knew I didn’t trust him. If there was a way to con, deceive, swindle or profit he would be first in line. I remember once I found a purse, my ex told me that all of his sisters would have kept it. When I was with him he was lying to the benefits agency about his single persons discount, and lying without any conscience or fear whatsover. He told me once that his ex wife used to shoplift. I have heard about this before in the news and can now understand. I can understand being persuaded to shoplift by an abusive partner. For her I expect it was some sort of control mechanism with him behind it. I am certain my ex will go on to con a rich lonely women out of a lot of money if he see’s an opportunity. There are some films about con men that are worth a watch, My Friend Rockefeller & Catch me If You Can. I told my ex this will all catch up with him one day.
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Healthy my ex was claiming disability and he stopped all his medication!! He was even driving!! It was all a set up ! Hes a pure evil monster from.hell
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Dear Chocolate, I hear what you are saying. the emotions and behaviour is all so twisted and without rhyme or reason, this is both theirs & our behavour. The grief that you describe, this definitely fades over time, I was deeply grief stricken for quite a few months, it was so painful. But as the time goes on this is not so bad. If you look on the internet for the Cycle of Loss this should help. All I can say is that when I was in the ‘relationship’ (if you can call it that), I was desperately needy, clingy and insecure. He used to threaten or hint to finish with me fairly frequently, this was after accessing my deepest fear, that of being abandoned. So every time he would hint at ending it, sometimes a hint, sometimes a cryptic message, I would feel totally devastated. I would beg him and plead with him, I think one day I was on my knees pleading with him not to leave me. I hated what I had become & knew in my heart that that wasn’t me and I would only put up with that s**t for so long. So for the bulk of our relationship he wielded the power of finishing with me, i think he liked me to be the underdog & he was top dog. Me chasing and begging and him in pole position ‘considering’ if he wanted me. All of this ABUSE OF POWER effects you moving forward. I think this is linked to trauma bonding and why you feel so deeply grief stricken, as if you are losing some sort of precious king. I felt that. But I do believe & Zari Ballard explains it so well, this ILLUSION of him being someone so profoundly amazing is an illusion which has been created off the back of the months/years of gaslighting, violence, mind games etc. Then his post split behaviour, in my case, silent treatment reinforces the powerful position of king . It is all trickery, manipulation, a TEMPORARY mind shift and interference with reality. As the time goes on – No Contact is crucial, things even out and your thoughts become more accurate and real. Dear Iamfree, I think i only saw the tip of the iceburg with regards to him & his family’s honesty, a complete bunch of underhand crooks who would rob the vulnerable without batting an eyelid. Its totally shameful. But don’t forget, ‘what goes around comes around’.These sort of people will never prosper, because people get a feel for them, have a funny feeling about them, as if something is off. They think they are so smart and crooked, but people who they mix with always have suspicions, people are not stupid. They question their integrity, this will always come back & bite them at some point. X*X
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Be like me fear no evil!!!! Iam.not scared of a coward.. !!!
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Try not to worry. During the time that I was in the relationship I literally BEGGED virtually on my knees, I hid his car keys & locked the doors so he could.nt leave. How utterly ashamed am I that I allowed someone to bring me that low. The first time that happened i dealt with it, he decided he wanted me & everything was back on. I however clocked & registered what happened & the effect that it had on me. It happened twice more, he talked to me worse than a dog more or less forcing me out of his car in the middle of nowhere, I had no means of travel & was stranded, his approach was if you don’t like it lump it. By now he had s****ed on me a lot so I thought right. I was stronger. He treated me awfully with a variety of tactics so I told him it was over. Post split is challenging but at least in time once I,m over all this I will be free,happy & open to real,genuine love.
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Yes it is wrong, very wrong. I knew throughout the time that I was with him that what was going on, i wouldn’t tolerate it long term. I would tolerate it short term while he was gas lighting me, making me confused and foggy minded and whilst I felt responsible for everything, but I knew I would only be pushed so far. I think the crunch time came for me when he began making cryptic hints about other women, he was lining someone up and wanted to keep me on the back burner. Thanks but no thanks! I finished with him then. With the kicking out of the car incident, I had no money on me, we were in the middle of nowhere, I dont’ think I had a coat and I didn’t know where I was. I had to swallow my misery, shut my mouth and ignore what he was saying. I stayed in the car and continued on the journey. The reason this happened is because he had treated me awfully about something else, I had complained about it and been upset, his response was to dump me in the middle of nowhere. That was the second turning point when I thought, right, you just carry on.
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I was worth more than the total garbage he was handing out, for me it is putting up with it so far whilst your mind is processing love bombing and promises with devaluation & bulls**t. There comes a time when you are ready to kick them into touch. After you split its not easy, but you work through it. X*X
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What sorta things did he say? At first it was all lovey dovey stuff and how he adored me then it contuined to a certain point then the accusations started, it was grinding me down but i put up with it as i thought it would stop and he would maybe change, i duno. What was i thinking really? Maybe its cuz i thought this was how a relationship was suppose to be.
You are worth so much more then what he put you through, whats happended to him now? If you dont mind me asking?
Xoxoxox
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I recommend you read the books by HG Tudor, free to read on Amazon. They will give you an insight into what you are dealing with. also Melanie tonia Evans is good at explaining it, its called Love Bombing / AKA Grooming – Devaluation – Discard – Hoover
loving bombing happens when you first meet, its like your walking on air, declarations of love, amazing sex, talk of being your soul mate. My ex was so full on, too full on I did’nt like it. I must have got over 2000 texts during the time that we wre together, declarations of me being his world and his reason for living. When I first met him I thought he was alright, i was certainly not hooked or controlled by him, he was not under my skin. Very soon, once you become hooked /aka fall for them, the disrespect/devaluation starts. Its very subtle AT FIRST. He was slow in answering my texts, he would deliberately wait for 5 or 6 hours to reply. Before I was hooked he would bombard me with texts. Then he wouldn’t text me much, for every 5 messages I sent him, I got 2 and then 1 back. I felt really insecure. Subtle criticisms came in to it now. He would turn up 2 hours late with no explanation, he stopped initiating sex. As the time went on, all of this got worse and worse. All the while he was telling me that I was his world, his soul mate and that he loved me. His words were like pure gold his actions were like pure s**t! I was very confused and started to suffer really bad with mental health problems because of it all. Then came discard – they finish with you without a backward glance. In my case I finished with him, his swiftly took control by finishing with me straight after. Hoover, is when at some point they try to hook you back in. I have not had this and hope that i dont. Not all abuse is textbook. X*X
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Now, I expect he was seeing someone at the same time he was seeing me, he might still be with her but I doubt it, it depends what she is like. He would have gone onto dating websites, certainly sleeping around with different women pretending to love them. Or he may have got back with his ex wife, I had suspicions this may have happened. I have kept my dignity, self respect and power by going no contact. Though I did contact him once which I regret.
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The way u described that was just like my ex, his mood swings would drive me bat crazy. It like he was up one minute and down the next, the insults about my weight broke me down even though i stated many of times i was a little chubby, i will 100% check out those books for sure.what made u contact him? Well i did the same when it all happended and he stormed out i went and chased him and kept saying we would be okay after all this, but luckily for me he didnt take the bait and left.
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I contacted him once since we split up,not to beg or ask to get back together, but because I felt sad & sorry for him. I thought that he has problems & that this would prevent him leading a happy life, this really upset me as I cared about him. I said that I would like to stay in touch & be friends,he ignored me.
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