Clothes with memories

[Tiffany]

What have you guys done with clothes that trigger memories of your ex’s? I’m fine with almost all my basic stuff – t-shirts, underwear, jeans. And I threw out a bunch of stuff which he liked and I hated. But what do you do with the stuff you love, and which suits you, when wearing it makes you feel sick with memories?

I have a gorgeous silk dress which I bought myself when things were bad. It was a present to myself, to cheer me up and make me feel better. I loved it. But I wore it to one of his friends weddings and I can’t wear it now without all the abusive memories bombarding me. Should I just get rid of it? Or should I pack it away out of sight and try wearing it again in a year or two?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiffany,

I did a massive clearout of old stuff this week and gave it all to charity. I also rearranged the lounge because it just reminded me 100% of him and all the mixed up confusing, painful memories.

I know what you mean about an item you love but that has memories and not being sure what to do with it. I bought this beautiful rug just before I met him, and in the early days I used to look at the rug while on the phone to him happily, and my eyes used to trace the design on it. Now it just reminds me of him, and I realise he was gaslighting and hypnotising me during these phone conversations, I felt like I was in a sort of comforting trance during them, and the rug now sadly reminds me of that. So far I have bundled it away and am going to look at it again in 6 months then decide. I also have bed linen that reminded me of him. Recently I used it again and I the reminder isn’t as strong anymore, I was determined to keep it and not let him ruin all of my beautiful things with his bad vibes. I think it can go either way.

In the end they are just objects. So if the reminder remains, it’s ok to get rid of it, or sell it. I felt a lot of emotions after my clearout this week, I think it cleared a lot of space in my mind and unblocked some emotions. In the end whatever we get rid of creates space for us to grow into our new selves. xx

[Tiffany]

Sunshine! Thanks for the reminder that it is just stuff. I am going to give it to a friend (who’s friend group doesn’t overlap massively with mine so I am unlikely to see it again unexpectedly). Well done on the clearing out. You have inspired me to tackle mine again. I’ll try and get at least two black bags worth out this weekend.

[Pondlife]

I think you and sunshine are right but another thing you can do with memory triggers like clotjes or places is reclaim them. I used to have negative associations with almost everything I touched, from sandwiches to glasses to shampoo, up to the city where my brother lives (my ex’s family lived there so I had visited with him many times.)

Something’s are easy to reclaim, some impossible, and also it does help if you can (no rush) to replace the bad memories with good ones. You can feel empowered.

I think that giving your dress to your friend is an excellent solution tho. You don’t totally lose it and it’s still special but you don’t have to open your wardrobe and be confronted by pain.

The over riding thing is, getting over an abusive relationship is like grief. Its a hard rocky road and we need to be kind to ourselves x*x

[Author]

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