Co parent

[Anonymous]

Hiya,
I’ve very recently had a baby and I’m no longer with my baby’s father due to DA. I left when I was in my 3rd Trimester. I have been thinking hard about co parenting. Has anyone co parented with their abuser and is it at all possible? Have you been able to trust them again to be able to have that level of being civil to have a good co parenting relationship despite not being together.
I’m unsure about co parenting with my ex. He has expressed he can’t afford going to court for access, so I’ve been thinking about whether it’s worth me trying to mediate with him to avoid going to court?
Advise please.
Thanks x

[Bananaboat]

Congratulations on your little one! Maybe look at this another way and look at his actions – what has he done for you or baby before & after the birth? Has he checked in, tried to visit, provided you with help / money /baby things? Or has it just been lots of words and excuses?

The thing about coparenting with abusers is that they aren’t usually a caring, supportive coparent. You’re unlikely to be able to rely on them, and you’ll hear it a lot that you don’t coparent with them you parallel parent and usually when it suits them. Watch them pop up when there’s a family event or a new girlfriend to impress.

I’m not saying withhold the child, that’s for if there’s safeguarding concerns, I’m suggesting if you do decide to ‘coparent’ then be prepared, don’t waste energy chasing them – you can’t force someone to parent, and remember logic and reason isn’t strong with them so save your breath. Some abusers turn out to be great parents just awful partners, but many others see the same behaviours we experienced shown to the kids. It may be another way to start an argument with you, or to try to hoover you back in (let’s be a family). Only you know deep down what’s best for your child and there’s no rush, your 7 weeks in and full of hormones and probably running on no sleep. Enjoy those newborn cuddles xx

[Anonymous]

Oh wow!! No I haven’t looked it like that all. Totally given me a different perspective.
I recent reached out to him, in some hope for us to be able to be civil. But only to find out he’s got a new girlfriend (even tho we are still married) 🙈. Unfortunately yet again it didn’t last, he started fighting me again and again blocked me. So I am wasting my time.
Okay yes I did leave when I was pregnant and now my baby is nearly (detail removed by moderator) old.
I truly believe he’s too immature to co parent with me, as he said to me “he can’t afford court” but yet offered nearly £(detail removed by moderator) per month for child support 🤔. I declined the offer of payment (as it would be on his terms) and him seeing her on our own.
He has said he’s tried… but his words and actions never matched. I’ve only very recently got my case closed with social services, don’t need them opening it up again.
So I think for now, this “co parenting” can be put on pause. I don’t want to get my hopes up in thinking he will be there for her. By his actions right now he’s blocked me and told me never to speak to him again. So guess there’s my answer. I guess I tried but in the long run it will never work as he can’t put aside his own feelings towards me and focus on her which I think is really sad. But hey not my issue.

[Pandapop5]

I’m in a similar situation I have five children the youngest one with my ex husband I left him (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago I have gone no contact and have had to get a non molestation order against him.My youngest is (detail removed by moderator) old and while I was with him he had nothings to do with our daughter but now we’ve left he suddenly wants contact.my baby is extremely clingy and I’m breastfeeding her I am terrified if he has contact with her he would take her and never give her back to me,I just want what’s best and realize she will have to start seeing him at some point,I am due to go to court in a few weeks to finalize the order so will speak about supervised visits has anyone else had to go through this?

[Author]

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