Co parenting

[Needadviceandsupport]

Advice needed on co parenting…So I’ve been separated for nearly a year, still being subjected to verbal abuse and financial control and control via the children.
We currently share kids 50/50 because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance. However he dictates when he has them (most the time it doesn’t equate to 50/50). Tried having adult conversations to get a set plan but as usual I fell in trap he was being accommodating but we all know that only lasts 5 minutes before they backtrack and abuse starts again. Had bad abuse a couple of weeks ago, hacking my bank and phone accounts, very graphic violent details of how he will kill me or any potential partner I have. I fell so ill so decided to block him. This is all well and good but how do I co parent like this with no contact?! (detail removed by moderator) But I can’t say anything because need to grey rock him for my own sanity?! So, anyone gone through this? I know my solicitor will make us do mediation first (I’ve suggested this but he won’t) but what experiences does everyone have with courts supporting you? People who don’t understand won’t see how much control they still have when have children together? I won’t even go into the new smear campaign he’s started trying to turn kids against me. So exhausting, feel like it’s worse since left, not better.

[Hereforhelp]

Hello and welcome,

It is so difficult as we cannot discuss legal stuff on this forum so I will PM you later re my experience with going zero contact, legal stuff xx

Hang in there as there’s lots of help.

Have you reported any of what he did to you, any of the abuse? Or spoken to Womans Aid?

You can get free 30 min appointments with some solicitors (look for DA trained with all help), that’s worth doing as it gives you an idea financially how things will be… go to 2 or 3 solicitors if you want (I went to a couple for free 30 mins and do not tell your partner you are going).

Abusers will continue to abuse, mine got worse after we separated for quite some time which is why I went zero contact as my children were being affected mentally/emotionally.

❤️

[Needadviceandsupport]

Thanks Hereforhelp

Think I underestimated how bad things would be once I left. I’ve avoided getting a non mol order as trying not to make it any more difficult to co parent and if I’m honest I think trawling through the past (detail removed by Moderator) of messages/emails for evidence will trigger me.

I have a 30 min free consultation next week with a solicitor. They aren’t cheap but come recommended with dealing with my type of case.

Just feels so lonely at times doesn’t it? I’m still controlled and trapped by him, no matter how positive I try and stay.

[Lisa]

Hi Needadviceandsupport,

Welcome to the forum.

I just wanted to let you know about a few places for legal advice that you might find helpful.

You may be eligible for legal aid because of the domestic abuse, you could ask the solicitor about this or contact Civil Legal Advice (CLA) on 0345 345 4 345. Local domestic abuse services are sometimes able to provide formal legal advice for free, if you’re not already in touch with your local service, you can find their details using our service directory.

Rights of Women provide free legal advice. They have a lot of information about Family Law on their website as well as a phone line, 020 7251 6577.

Coram also provide legal advice as part of their Child Law Advice service. There is a charge for some of their services but it is cheaper than accessing a solicitor without legal aid.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

Your post about the level of his ‘graphic violence’ about what he will do and how he will kill you is incredibly serious, and the police need to know he is threatening you this way.

Also, I question whether its reasonable that your children have any contact with a father who is so highly abusive?

You are trying to ‘co-parent’, but he’s an abuser. An abuser doesn’t ‘co’ anything, he controls and dominates, which is why you find yourself going in circles pulling your hair out and generally being exhausted by his machinations.

It really doesn’t sound like he should be given the considerations you are suffering under in order to accommodate him all the time. Keep it real simple for him, and don’t try to co-parent. You are the resident parent, so set your children’s timetable allowing for all their current demands, plus any play-dates/parties, and then offer a date that fits in, andif it doesn’t work for him, then offer something further down the line when they are next free, or set a specific day a week and if he can’t make it, then he doesn’t make it. The children will realise who he is soon enough, and fix it so someone else accompanies visits so he’s not alone with them and they can keep the children safe.

He is still very much abusing you, and by using the children to control you he is abusing them also. He has no rights to access his kids to abuse them.

I am so sorry you are still trying to function under his control. Can you cut phone numbers/emails and other means of social media messaging?

warmest wishes

ts

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