Co-parenting after leaving

[ElizabethMary]

I have been in denial a long time but keeping a journal and putting in there old text messages I had sent to friends has helped me see this for what it really is.

While my emotional abuse in actually quite infrequent and honestly has lessened rather than increased over the years (maybe because I’ve become so careful and submissive?), I know I cannot stay.

The logistics and practicalities May take me a long time to sort out but I wondered if anyone here had some experience or advice to share about co-parenting after leaving the relationship.

I know his contact with the children (who are quite young) will have to be absolutely, to the second, the exact same as mine or it will get messy. And he is going to simply be awful if we have to spilt Christmas/birthdays.

I’m wondering if any of you successfully manage to share special days like Christmas for the sake of the children? I was thinking about having him over Christmas Eve (possibly not going to have left by this year but I’m anticipating the arguments that will arise and trying to find solutions) and then him staying Christmas Day.

I just really don’t want my Children to have so much time with him without me there to dilute his personality but I’m not going to have a choice and also I know the kids will want to see him as much as possible.

So has anyone done this? Maintained civility to be a family for birthdays/Christmas or other special occasions?

Thank you.

[iliketea]

Hi no experience yet as just at the start of the process but if you have Child Arrangements Order in place they can at least oversee and direct it to be in the childs best interest – and that is where the focus should be. It would be perfectly acceptable to alternate Christmas and Easters – say you have Christmas Eve/Christmas Day this year – and he has them the next – and then with Christmas say that he has them Christmas Eve evening through to the end of Boxing Day or the day after. Something like that, then alternate it. If you have Christmas he has Easter. And then share birthdays. Its never going to be easy as its the last bastion of power and control unfortunately once your relationship has officially ended. But keeping it fair, for the children, and with the opportunity to change if the children ask it to or are getting upset needs to be built in and monitored by external agency I’d say. Its not something you really want to be negotiating on your own, unless he’s reasonable and normal that is….? xx

[fizzylem]

Sorry to say but it sounds like you may be looking for a solution that simply doesn’t exist. The first year is the hardest, I remember trying to keep things ok for my child very well, keep her away from it all, so I invited him over Christmas day for a few hours and I stayed out of the way in a nother room so they could have their time together, my child was aware we were seperated by this time, he was living elsewhere. A transition is good for the children if you can set this up with him but sometimes this isn’t possible, because he’s incapable of putting his children at the centre of things, as always it remains about him.

Sadly, whatever you decide will likely not be good enough and he will oppose it anyway, so you can think about what will be best and how it could be until the cows come home as far as he’s concerned. Will make no difference.

You could try some reverse psychology, I used this a few times and it did work, so, don’t reveal how you’d really like it to be, rather pitch an idea where his automatic response if he opposes this is the real way you’d like it to be.

A split is painful for the children, and there is no real way of shielding them from this, it’s actually much better to be clear with them and help them manage the process, support them through it, offer reasurrances and attend to how they feel and what they think, find workable solutions with them, involving them, rather than things not being clear and dragging it out. Children can work with any situation, when they know what it is and why it needs to be this way, eg. mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore but what will never change is that we both love you, so always with child appropriate reasoning and never blame.

Different doesn’t mean dreadful, different can come to be great, just as much fun, if not more fun. There will be no tension after all, the children can enjoy time with each of you at Christmas etc. Which once you’ve ‘got through’ the first will happen, as you will want to make it good for them hey.

Until there is a court order, you are the primary carer if you have them more of the time, so if it comes down to it you can actually pull rank and tell him how it’s going to be, if needed. If he doesn’t like this then he has the option of family court, although mediation is always thought as the better first option; there are mixed views on this when there is DA, it may not be possible to attend for this reason, guess it works for some, but sadly not many that are experiencing DA. Perhaps it’s worth being open to it though as it may cause less stress then family court, but then it may be that you end up feeling you need family court. Depends if he can put the children at the centre or not.

A parenting plan can help in these situations and cafcass can help with this, maybe call them and ask about this service.

If parents can cope and manage the seperation the children will too, the problems arise when he pulls them into it and uses them for his games, which for me was unavoidable, I can only control how I manage dealing with him yes and how I support my child? His behaviour and how he is I have no power to change. Accepting this when moving forwards is key.

[iliketea]

whoops i meant Christmas evening, not EVE evening! Derr. So you split the 4 days basically….that way children get to have both parents on Christmas day because lets face it, all they’re interested in is making sure they get all the presents due them from all the people due to give them.. basically…in the nicest possible way…

[ffhoneday]

Hi, I just wanted to say I really understand where you are in this process and it may be that your ex is different to mine. However I’d really caution against trying to form an ‘ideal’ co-parenting relationship. In my experience this just doesn’t work, the abuse continues to be perpetrated via the children and parenting. I tried mediation with my ex multiple times and they still took us all to family court having reneged on very agreement made. Unfortunately I would say be very cautious of trusting CAFCASS as they don’t in my experience understand power and control issues and how they play out in parenting after separation. In terms of your children I think if you continue to engage in any form of relationship for them they will perhaps be confused about any harmful behaviours they have seen perpetrated against you. They might feel more able to have a relationship with your ex without you present, if they are safe without you there of course. It’s complicated and without knowing your ex’s particular behaviour sets and levels of control it’s impossible to know what is safe. It just strikes me you could be putting yourself and your children at further risk of harm if you try to ‘co-parent’ as is the strong social pressure at the current time. I think sharing birthdays/christmas etc so one year you have them one year he does is best for children…I don’t have this and my children are just miserable at Christmas a birthday time as it’s so anxiety inducing for them to have handovers in the middle of celebrations. Good luck it’s not easy to navigate through

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