Co-parenting – doesn’t want kids around new partner

[Fallingleaves]

I feel like I already know the answer to this but I feel like the people around me don’t understand how difficult I’m finding this situation.
For some context, I left emotionally abusive and verbally threatening ex a few years ago. We have young children together. I met someone else before I found the strength to leave my ex, which I know on paper is “wrong” but he is the most understanding kind and loving person and has given me all of the space and support I need to heal, have therapy, trying to do things differently etc.
due to serious threats from my ex when my new partners name last came up, I keep him completely separate from my children and only see him when they go to their dads. I know this means I’m being compliant to his threatening and unreasonable demands. Part of me enjoys having seperate time away from the kids with him but it would be so much easier if he could come round when my children are here and I didn’t need to worry 🙁

More recently my mum died, while I should be concentrating on processing grief surrounding this I’m instead worrying about my new partner being able to (detail removed by Moderator) without threats or repercussions.
I’ve been brave and brought this up with my ex, explaining that I haven’t been mixing kids and new partner but that I can’t do that forever, and also that he may be (detail removed by Moderator). Although he didn’t react as badly as before he still insists that he is uncomfortable about my new partner being around the children to “play happy families” etc and can’t trust himself to not “kick off” etc and that I’ve chosen this life etc by leaving him.

I know he can’t demand that of me, and I’m really trying to see a way forward that means I can live my life in the way that I want, I also feel like I am making progress (e.g, I would never have even brought it up with him before, and I don’t immediately bow to his wishes as I used to) but I just find it so hard still, and get so drawn back in to the back and forth rather than sticking to my guns about what is reasonable and what isn’t.
I know I need to seperate myself further from him but our families and social circles are so meshed together so I find it really really hard. To the point that my own sisters consider HIS feelings about my new partner being around and how hard HE will find it. And I find it so hard to stay out of that mindset and think about MY OWN happiness, it almost feels like I might as well still be with him if he’s still controlling my life like this. He thinks I’m totally unreasonable for wanting to have someone else around the children, I’ve tried saying well what about when you meet someone, or point out other couples that have separated and are now re-married, living together or started blended families and he just has a way of making me feel so wrong and guilty and like I have something to be ashamed of.
Not to mention the fact that I’m worrying about the situation instead of concentrating on saying goodbye to my mum (detail removed by Moderator). It’s even making me resent my new partner a bit, because although he’s said he’ll do whatever I want him to do in terms of (detail removed by Moderator) I feel like I just want the problem to disappear and feel so angry that I’m even having to deal with it.
The irony that I got all of this overly empathetic people pleasing tendencies from the mum I’m saying goodbye to is not lost on me!!

Anyway, just wanted to rant to people who might understand, any words of advice, similar experiences or just comfort greatly appreciated.

[beachhut]

Morning, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your Mum, I know how hard that is to deal with. I think at the moment you need to deal with one thing at a time, firstly (detail removed by Moderator) which will be difficult enough without trying to deal with what may happen between your ex and your new partner, you are grieving at the moment and believe me you can make some very bad decisions during this time, just look after yourself and your children who have lost their grandmother, get through (detail removed by Moderator) and if necessary ask the new man to stay away, you can always see him later in the day, and when you have had time to deal with your Mums passing and all the things that go with that, then go on to the next issue when you are in a better place yourself trying to sort your life out in one go although things are interlinked is not a good idea, I know from a very costly decision when my Mum passed away. At the moment there is no hurry as you are away from your ex, so just one day at a time then you will be stronger to deal with the c**p that is bound to come you way.

Take care of you, beachhutXx

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you beachhut, wise advice.
It’s escalated since I wrote and he’s been threatening violence at the said event if my new partner attends. And all of the usual barrage or abuse to me. Obviously I’ll advise my new partner not to come.
This does remind me of why I left him though. He still says I’ve made up that he’s abusive or controlling, and he still has the ability to make me doubt myself, is that the same for others??
Feel like it’s all my fault, but surely I don’t deserve this abuse and threats when I’ve just lost my mum, or any time for that matter.
I think I’m going to have to just cut contact with him now and maybe see if someone can help with dropping off and picking up children when they see him.
I just want to live a normal life, this is so hard! Well done to everyone here dealing with similar, I know others also have it a lot worse than me so I can only imagine the daily strength you are all showing x

[KIP.]

Hi, absolutely zero direct contact is the only way forward. Use a third party for all communication. He doesn’t get to come near you or your home. Talk to your local womens aid about a non molestation order. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour. This controlling behaviour of his will never stop so you need to take back control of your life or he will destroy it for you. I know it’s scary but you left him for a reason. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t be afraid to report his threats to the police. It’s not fair on your new partner to be threatened with violence and he has every right to report this to the police. Your ex is a nasty bully, always has been and always will be. If you need contact use an old phone for texting only. Better still give it to a friend or family member to use as the point of contact. Keep your chin up. People pleasing is something we are all guilty of but abusers will control that. You’ve been conditioned to jump when he says so but no more x show the kids too that you’re in charge and they have choices over who they allow in their lives because you can bet his behaviour will eventually be targeted to wards them x

[Fallingleaves]

Hi KIP

Thanks so much for your reply. This is all really helpful. I’ve started zero direct contact, and once I’ve said goodbye to my mum this week I’m going to make some more plans in how to tackle things with your advice in my mind. You’re absolutely right that this has to stop, although I’ve left and there are things that are better than they were I really still have been letting him be in control to a certain extent, it is such a hard pattern to break and habit to change, especially when you’re tired and just want an easy life!
Thanks again x

[Mellow]

I have read the post a few times and thought about it and I’m making a judgment thought about my own situation not gunna lie and I think to me I can sort of understand as you’ve jumped into a relationship whilst with your ex partner it seems .my ex did the same and it really hurt me to the point I’d be upset if he just started bringing another woman in.and I do think it’s not good for kids seeing the whole seperation and jumping in so I guess all this depends on how long you have been separated on another note him saying he will kick off etc is not a good reaction.i don’t know I’m just trying to show how it feels when someone you love loves on whilst in a relationship

[Fallingleaves]

Hi Mellow, totally understand what you’re saying. It’s been well over (detail removed by Moderator) years since I left him so I do feel like I’ve left it long enough. I can understand him being upset, but if I don’t move on with my life then surely im still being controlled by him? It’s also been my default for a long time to take all of the responsibility on for how he’s feeling and how he reacts etc, so im really trying to fight against that. Surely whatever mistakes anyone makes it doesn’t excuse threatening and
Violent behaviour?
I totally get he’s upset and hurt, but I’ve also been upset and hurt by things that he’s done and have worked through that myself, not by threatening him and the people around him.

[Lisa]

Hi Mellow and Fallingleaves,

There is never any excuse for abuse. The behaviour Fallingleaves describes from her ex is controlling and threatening and completely unacceptable. It’s not a normal or appropriate response to being hurt. Abusers often use anything they can to continue their abuse after a woman leaves and that’s what’s happening here.

Mellow, I know you’re really struggling at the moment, particularly with feelings around your ex seeing other women when you were together. Your pain is understandable. The difference here is that Fallingleaves’ ex has used the situation to continue controlling, abusive behaviour across multiple years and that is not okay.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Fallongleaves, what you are asking and expecting from your ex are perfectly reasonable requests. You have obviously moved on (so happy to hear you have a good, supportive partner now) and you are right, you deserve to live free from your ex’s threats, control… I do not think your ex has any reason to abuse you and threaten your new partner. This is now your life, you left due to his abuse, you owe him nothing. He is trying to scare you with his talk of your partner playing happy families, which is also an insult to you as you sound like a great mum who is capable of making decisions, he is undermining you by doubting your partner which is all rubbish.
I email my ex’s messages now to the police, I let them decide… I am awaiting an outcome for a non mol… zero contact is the only way to recover.
I also lost my mum recently, feel free to PM me
HfH ❤️

[Crazydaisy]

Abusers will try anything to put you in not a good shade of “oh look what she did, she’s done this and that” fact of it is… so what… you moving on for your happiness is nowhere in the same league as the faker trying to control, manipulate and pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. His pretending to be doting dad and great ex never lasts, because the closer you are to your new partner and your children seeing what a healthy relationship looks like… makes him uneasy, makes him less powerful and unable to control the situation… out of jealousy of course he’ll kick off, he’ll bad mouth you to absolutely anyone, even the children, so please push for a non mol (?), get your identity and your sense of self back away from him and for your kids, you’ve been through so much and also need time to grieve x remember there’s no time on grief and recovery for everyone is different, your doing amazing and I wish you all the very best x*x happiness is allowed, you are allowed to be you, to be free, to be loved and with your children x*x

[Fallingleaves]

Lisa, crazy daisy and hereforhelp

Thank you so much for your replies. It is so so helpful and reassuring. It’s taken me a long long time to move away from taking blame for everything to starting to realise that I’m actually allowed to be happy, to want happiness and to want love without feeling guilty and ashamed. (The guilt comes sometimes still!) so these replies are really helpful to keep me on track. It’s so easy to get thrown down that shame spiral and take all responsibility when the abuse flares up, but every time it happens I manage to trust myself and stick up for myself that little bit more.
I’m attempting zero contact apart from very short written messages to arrange pick ups and drop offs, and dealing with his mum for anything else, so far so good. Still feel very hurt and angry that he couldn’t let me grieve in peace but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
Thank you again x

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