Co-Parenting with abusive ex

[Strube]

My children are now spending supervised time with their father (soon to be unsupervised). I am accepting of this (Not through choice – I have had to be – for the sake of my children and my mental health).

I am coping well, but feel threatened by their relationship with him (if you can call it that after a couple of visits). He has completely won them over and is now offering to buy them expensive things. When they return home to me they play me up and have tantrums. I am accepting of their behaviour because I know why they do it – but still, it doesn’t stop me feeling hurt.

I would really appreciate hearing from those of you who are currently co-parenting with your ex. How do you do it? I want to learn how to keep my emotions in check so that my feelings of rejection and insecurities (related to their relationship with their father) don’t interfere with our relationship. (A bit of background – I was raised by a n**********c mother and often have feelings of rejection as a result of the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child – this has impacted greatly on my relationship with my children – and explains why I fell for the b@st@rd in the first place!).

Can you offer me any advice on how you co-parent with your abusive ex? How do you stay cool and not allow him to get to you emotionally?

Also, if you know of any books that offer co-parenting advice please let me know!

Any tips you can give me will be appreciated!

Thanks
Strube x

[Lisa]

Hi Strube,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time at the moment. We all understand how difficult it is to co-parent with an abusive person. Please just keep calm and collected, he will show his true colours in time so it is just important that you remain the consistent parent who your children know they can come to talk to and who will always be there for them. The children are probably very confused after having contact with him and they are playing up to try and test how much you love them and to see their boundaries which your ex will be trying to shift.

Practically, I know that lots of people find having a ‘contact book’ very useful where you can both write comments about the children. Please also be vigilant in keeping your own record of the children’s behaviour after contact with him and any observations you think are significant. In time this might be useful evidence. Perhaps you can encourage the children to talk to another adult that they trust if they are upset or confused, maybe a nice teacher or relative?  The organisation ‘Gingerbread’ is helpful, http://www.gingerbread.org.uk.

Sadly we know that abusive men oftern use child contact as simply another tool to try to maintain the abuse to you. He will know that you love the children more than anything so hurting and confusing them will hurt you which is his goal. You sound like a lovely Mum so just keep being you and try to ignore his attempts to unsettle you. He may get bored in time but until then just keep recording everything and seek some advice and support both from the Helpline and your local Women’s Aid group.

We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi Strube,

I understand how very difficult it is. My advice to you is to take it a step at a time.

At the moment they have had a couple of visits. It is likely that the tantrums and playing up are more to do with the change in their routine, in them starting to see their father and having to get used to it. I don’t know how old they are but if they are very young the promising of expensive gifts won’t mean much to them.

It is not possible to co parent with an abusive ex, maybe look at it as the children have two different parenting ways. I think there is now a term for it ‘parallel parenting’. Continue to parent how you do, don’t change in anyway. Your children need stability,security and routine. They need boundaries. They will get that from you. Explain to your children that you may do things in different ways as you aren’t together and people parent differently. What happens with daddy won’t necessarily happen with mummy and vice a Versa.

You do need to keep your emotions out of it and never let him see that he has got to you. Try to talk with your children about their father if they want to and bring him up in conversation sometimes if you feel able to do they feel they can talk about him if they want to and so they feel that you are ok with them seeing him even though your not. Any negativity needs to be kept away from children. Then also if he questions them there will be nothing negative for them to repeat.

See them seeing him as something you have to do. If you have to have contact with him id advise to have written and to treat him like a business contact and only ever state the facts, never put any emotions in it.

Kerp a diary of how the children are before and after contact. Encourage your children to talk about the good times with their father and any worries they may have.

They will slowly learn for themselves what he is like eg when he doesn’t follow through on the promises he makes.

Hope that helps a bit.

[Author]

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