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I have a (detail removed by moderator) old son with my ex. I have to hand him over (detail removed by moderator) a week in a public place. Despite this my ex still takes this opportunity to hurt me mentally and emotionally. I try to discuss our son and working together and he starts ranting at me about maintenance and how I am a money grabber. He doesn’t think about our son at all and is happy to shout at me infront of him. He told me if I drop the maintenance he will stop. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. We don’t have anyone else to do handover so I don’t know what to do to make it stop.
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Secretly record his abuse and apply for a non molestation order to keep him away. Talk to your local women’s aid for support or do the hand overs in a police station reception. Where it’s recorded and there are witnesses. His contact with you is what provokes his abuse not you applying for maintenance to feed your child. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and talk to them about your next steps. There are also contact centres where you could do the hand overs. I’d talk to your local women’s aid and try to prevent all contact with him, for both you and your child. Abusing you in front of your child is child abuse. Gather any evidence you can in the meantime and keep a detailed journal of his behaviour.
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Thank you Kip. I completely agree. He ignores anything to do with our son. I called him to tell him our son might need to go to hospital and he ignored me. I sent him a photo of our son and he ignored it. I text him to tell him I needed to change a contact day and he took (detail removed by moderator) to reply to me. I told him I couldn’t take our son to contact because we were self isolating as my parents both had covid and he started threatening me with court. I just can’t cope with how much he controls me. We live far apart but he still controls everything. He says he shouldn’t pay me maintenance because (detail removed by moderator). He won’t listen when I try to explain this isn’t true.
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You need some legal advice and a contact order in place otherwise he will spend the rest of your life controlling you through your child. I’d also involve the CMA and get them to arrest his wages so you dont have to be financially controlled either. You want other people and agencies dealing with him. Definitely get support from your local women’s aid who can help with all these problems. They will have local knowledge too. I’d also get a separate phone for him only or a separate sim so you don’t have to be harassed or abused when you’re with your child. I’d get advice about withholding access from him because what he’s doing is dangerous abusive and huge red flags.
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Thank you both. I have tried to go for a contact centre but (detail removed by moderator). The abuse has got worse because I went to the CMS and they doubled what he was paying. I’ve tried to do everything through agencies etc. I’m literally trapped. He says if I drop the CMS claim then he will stop as hes overpaying me. I don’t want this to be about money. I want it to be about giving our little boy the best life possible but he doesn’t see it that way. I’m running out of options.
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In their minds, they are never wrong. Definitely keep record of the dates and comments. And behavioural changes in your child before and after contact.
My ex seems to get away with everything too. And he says terrible things to our children. They don’t even want to see him, and have admitted they are scared of him. But it hasn’t changed the contact arrangement.
I’m still keeping record though.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Try to write down what he says word for word. And if you can talk with someone from Women’s aid, they could help you see if from a perspective that hasn’t been affected by his minimising. -
Don’t listen to a word he says. Abusers are liars. It’s not arguments it’s harrassment snd coercion. You can choose who you allow in your life. It’s a crime to put someone is a state of fear and alarm and it’s child abuse to abuse your partner in front of a child. Talk to women’s aid. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline x
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