Co parenting

[Anonymous]

Me and my ex split a (detail removed by Moderator) ago.we have a small child together. Our relationship has always been toxic, I feel like he is two people at times, typical addictive personality, often spoke to other women for a thrill, gambled or excessive drinking or drugs when he couldn’t control his sadness, i forever helped him but I lost myself. Although he never physically hit me, it all mentally he broke me. I had him arrested because he was insanely jealous and was trying to say it was because he was scared for our childs safety. I got a non molestation order. We haven’t been in contact and his been seeing our child in a contact centre.

It all changed when I found out some health issues about my son, I decided to contact him. He was grateful and we have spoken since (detail removed by Moderator) at length. We want to co parent and I’m sad his missed so much with our child, he seems as though he is broken too, he has admitted his mistakes also… but he did when we broke up, he understood why and what he had done.

(detail removed by Moderator) I’m going to drop charges of (detail removed by Moderator) because I dont want to cause any more pain. Maybe I’m living in a dream world but we are going to try and be civil… build on trust and respect for our child. We both don’t want to miss out on Christmas. (detail removed by Moderator) he will be doing a hair strand test because I need to know his drug free before having our child, I also want a residency order so he has to bring our child back, he wants on paper that he will deffinatly get every (detail removed by Moderator). We both agree it’s all reasonable and need to still (detail removed by Moderator) to have in legal orders this stuff.

I’ve said he can visit to see our son (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve said let’s take baby steps and he cant take him away from me until (detail removed by Moderator). We both don’t trust each other. He is claiming to have stopped drugs and has a (detail removed by Moderator) plan of buying a house for him and our child. I want us all to be happy, he says the same but has cried a few times and told me how much he misses and still loves me, but know our child is the priority here.

I’ve really built myself up since we split, I dont want to be a walk over, I’m trying to do what’s best for our child, I want them to have a relationship and I know I didn’t stop it or make my ex do what he did. I have anxiety but I want our child to know I done everything I could.

I know not every situation is the same. I’m knowit’s rare but has anyone had a good co parenting experience?

[KIP.]

Sadly you cannot ever co parent with an abuser. What’s best for your son is keeping him away from an abusive father. Stay with the contact centre if it’s working. Don’t drop the (detail removed by Moderator) and pursue full custody. These men are superb actors and will say what you want to hear at every turn. Get full custody, get control of your life and keep supervised contact for as long as you can, you’re still very vulnerable and committing yourself to a lifetime of abuse by agreeing to these terms. If a court decides then you dint have a choice but you’re in a very strong position just now. Feeling sorry for him won’t stop the abuse, in fact it’s a tactic they use. Contact women’s aid for support and valuable support. Write a journal of all the abuse he has committed. Please take a step back from him.

[iliketea]

I agree with @KIP, please don’t drop anything. If something does go wrong down the line with your child then you will wish you hadn’t. No harm to keep it, it happened, you can’t undo that, if he promises not to do those things again, then great for you and for your child, but it doesn’t undo that it happened, and i think that is what you need to keep in mind. Definitely see if you can get some support from a domestic abuse charity, could you call the Live chat here? And talk it through. Abusers will use any tactics, tears a classic one, to win you over again, but sadly they never change, they can’t change, its not in their make up. Stay strong and try not to forget what has happened, it is natural to want to move on for the sake of your child, but but but, think about what happens if he hasn’t changed….what made you end it when you did? Were you thinking of your child, their future. Please go back there and think, write it our, journal, talk to someone, what would have happened if you’d stayed? Why did you leave? None of this is your fault. Remember that. Only he is in charge of how he treats you and what he does with his life. You can’t change that. You wrote “I’m going to drop charges of harassment because I dont want to cause any more pain”. But YOU didnt CAUSE the pain, HE DID, he harassed you, and abused you, all you did was report it, bring it into the open, HE caused the pain, not you, please remember that, he didnt need to do that but you DID need to report it for you and your childs safety. Stay safe. x

[diymum@1]

I must agree with all of the above xx huge red flags 🚩 🚩🚩🚩 are flying at me reading this. He is hoovering u it’s a term that is used in describing the so called ‘nicer’ part of the abuse the love bombing part that keeps us there. My friend did this dropped the charges he became even worse. I know it’s hard your thinking with your heart but this need to be with your head xx we have all had experience of this so o suppose we’re trying to save you from going through this xx they say we live and learn and sometimes it’s not enough to hear what happened to other people. We tend to be hopeful and feel no that’s them we will be different. The stark truth is these men are very similar. Have you read the book when dad hurts mum by Lundy Bancroft? This might change your mind. He’s pulling a fast one here I can see that very clearly xx read up on all of this before I do anything would be my advice xx I have researched how abusive men affect our kids for about a year and the outcome which is evidence based is that they are always damaged xx always xxxx diy mum 😘🥰

[Camel]

It must be so difficult for you, wanting so much to believe that your abuser has changed. And wanting his support while your child is unwell.

But I agree there are so many red flags here, even though you made the contact with your ex.

I find it particularly worrying that he’s mixing up the welfare of his child with missing you. Have you been clear that getting back together isn’t an option?

It was reasonable of you to let him know what’s going on. But can I ask, are your child’s problems life threatening or life limiting? If not, ask yourself why you reached out to your abuser.

Also remind yourself to look at what your ex does, not what he says. Anyone can say they want to buy a house. Anyone can say they’ve stopped the gambling, womanising, drugs. Maybe they do for a while. But you can’t watch them all the time. If he’s harmed you enough in the past to bring a prosecution, think carefully before you drop it – just in consideration of HIS feelings. Looking after your child’s welfare is more than allowing his father to maintain contact.

It sounds very early days for you. As already said, seek advice from an abuse counsellor before you commit to anything. Good luck x

[midnightshadow]

100% agree with KIP. My ex partner who was physically abusive was really nice to me for three years approx.
He then started sending nasty messages, being nasty to me during contact and arguing with me during contact with his son when I kept saying I wouldn’t be discussing this with him here, (detail removed by Moderator). He then made up a load of lies of how I abused him and how I pretended to throw myself into walls to get people to think I was being abused and so on…
The best thing you could do for him is get him to live with the consequences and then maybe he might get some help in order to change his behaviour patterns.
I made the same mistake of thinking that perhaps he had changed and then feeling guilty myself because of it.

[Author]

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