Codependency… and Self Esteem course

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Honestly that light bulb moment when it is there written in black and white…It is me on those pages, trying to make sense of his nonsense. I heard so much anti value, so much stupidity, so much flabbergasting rubbish, experienced contradictory behaviours, explanations, affirmations…I got slapped in the process, strangled, knives were thrown in front of me, other objects too, pictures were taken down or torn or put face down, objects broken, favourite plants cut in secret, video tapes taken of me, records made of me, alcohol used to frighten me, sexual indignities performed towards me, I was threatened to be hit, I was threatened to be rammed in the legs with his car, I had threats of suicide galore, threats of resignation galore too, I had backs turned on me, kids dumped on me, family members shocked, used financially, vexation sessions I do not count any more, I have learned to stay unreactive and to absorb deep within a myriad of problems of attitude from him…I dealt with his ignorance and neglect too. I was dumped in a villa on holiday with two of my children while he went drunk on the streets trying to find a taxi to take him and the other children back home from abroad by flight. I have heard him repetitively smash a chopping board with a carving knife while he was drunk, I have seen his eyes glaze over when he drank and looked at me as if I was the devil itself…I have seen him burst in a jealousy rage once too. I have been threatened because I dealt with a situation and he accused me of being the centre of attention, always taking over every situation. I have heard him say to me it’s not fair when I refused to have sex because I was ill. I have had to deal with his jealousy when he thought he could hear people calling me when I was on the phone to him. I have been told I must not have friends who are single, go swimming with male students (when I was young) or receive letters from them from my country of birth. The list goes on.

Detachment, practice detachment, there is nothing I can do, but would that be the solution?

My older daughter threw a fit again today, she threw a (detail removed by Moderator) at me, she is so angry, it smashed on the wall in the (detail removed by Moderator), I don’t even react any more. I have learned not to. It is all part of her now. She then sent nasty texts similar to my husband’s, blaming me. She also shocked her boyfriend this weekend and even though we were all doing something nice she just couldn’t stop being nasty to him and reacted physically to his attempts to support her, she hit his hand as she pushed him away in a nasty shocking way. We all sat there saying nothing and I could feel her boyfriend’s hurt…I don’t know how he puts up with her, she is much worse than my husband when it comes to being vexed and nasty.

My older son also had a go at me yesterday and said horrific words to me then texted nasty impolite messages. His messages mimic my husband’s ones. He must be brainwashing my sons every time he speaks to them about me. And when I see my younger son come back from a walk with my husband he looks different and somewhat unhappy. He stares at me as if he is getting lost between us two. He takes a while to settle back into normal.

I have waited for my older son to apologise but nothing comes. I won’t speak first. And when he needs me, he will be reminded about the content of his texts.

It is his choice. I detach. I don’t want to be hurt any more by the anti-parenting that has prevailed in my home thanks to the lack of support from my husband. I detach.

I have asked my older daughter to find a suitable time to speak to me in peace but I dread it and I don’t trust her. She is a spy at times. My husband uses her to gain information. But I know she is fed up with the situation. Here, I can’t detach.

I actually feel hatred for this man, he wrote more things which are hard to stomach. They are frankly stupid. He is a total child who is having his tantrum and wants things the way he wants them. I detach. Most of the time now I don’t speak to him. The ”natural” comes back now and again but I am living as if he didn’t exist.

The next Child Protection Plan meeting will take place at some stage and I will attend with my DV worker. I will stay quiet. I block those people. I detach. I walk out of the room when it is all finished and I carry on as if nothing had happened, nothing had been said. I detach. I find them ridiculous, they don’t know me, I don’t want to waste my time with them. I don’t even want the DV lady to come, just let it flow, it doesn’t matter, we can’t change these people’s minds. We need to detach and let it go. My son is fed up with being assessed. He partly created the fuss they make over him and he knows it. He lied. He told stories, he judged as all teenagers do and he used his power to ooze his anger at me. I detach. I am a good mum while the father doesn’t even bother to make sure his son has washed his teeth, it is that basic. Let them be. Karma will come, I can sense it.

I have started Al-Anon meetings with people affected by the alcoholism of their relative(s). It is shocking to hear their stories. It is so similar to abuse. I lived with an alcoholic mum and now it is my dad, and my brother. I detach. I have learned to recognise the effects of my childhood on my character, my eagerness to please and help. It is all time consuming. I make other people my priority and I forget about myself in this process.

So self esteem course/workshop this week. I have been offered to go by Mind. I feel like I am emptying my mind of the past, the present, and the future as it stood a chance to become. I detach.

I am gaining confidence that I can build my business and become more self sufficient. I detach.

Sorry, I just felt like writing all this. I have a few minutes and I just needed to air out all this rubbish I am dumping on the Forum. Maybe the DV worker was right, you will decide to go when you are really ready. The other day she said I see you preparing and it is not courage you need, it is to know everything is in place to secure your future and that of your children.

In my head I see myself more and more often in a little house, alone, beautifying my little place and having my chickens and my veggie plot, my greenhouse etc, all this but on a smaller scale, more manageable, and happy to be me. I love myself, it is not a crime. I am glad I do because if I didn’t I would already be six feet under. I love my friends, the ones I am bound to make still and the sunrises I will enjoy to watch each day, when the time comes, when and if it does. I won’t feel threatened, sad, nervous, disgusted. It is the disgust I feel which I find the hardest to bear…disgust.

[Anonymous]

Your situation sounds Ugh, Bridget. Hats off to you for coping with all you do. Great that you’re building a successful business 🍾 Can we help with that here? (My job is working with (detail removed by Moderator), but I guess it’s hard to say much on here without becoming identifiable).
I’m looking into the detachment idea as I think it’s what I need to do, so thank you for sharing the concept.
Keep taking vert good care of you. S xx

[Author]

Posts