Coercive Control

[Nandag]

I really don’t know where to start… after two years Of lock down and working from home across the (detail removed by moderator) from my husband, I had a mental breakdown in (detail removed by moderator) last year.

(detail removed by moderator) of not daring to complain about the lack of time or interest in our relationship. Noticing he was always on his phone typing away to ‘no-one’ or posts on fb that never materialised… I would see message notifications that he would delete then deny existence of. He would go to (detail removed by moderator) and take two hours and or more.. He’d start an argument out of nowhere over nothing then disappear for hours. He created orchestrated an argument with his mother so we don’t talk anymore and frequently go up to see her for hours on end..

He gave me his (detail removed by moderator) account to reassure me that he wasn’t up to anything and I saw lots of journeys to his mums for 20 mins and then he’d fall off the map for hours. I demanded to see his emails and his phone, it was always picked clean, no evidence. I thought I was going as crazy as he told me I was. He came home with an Std and I didn’t dare question it until a couple of years later and he denied ever having one. He got his medical records as proof because I remember the conversation and him going for treatment, it wasn’t in his medical records, he’d duplicated a page..

I didn’t know what a N********t was until I looked up his behaviour. Creating arguments, long periods of silent treatment, being told I have to put more effort in for him to want to spend time with me, it gave him space and distance. If I complained about his absence I would be told the same thing, it was my fault he didn’t want to spend time with me because I shouted at him, I needed to be nicer. This has gone on for years.

In (detail removed by moderator) all the pennies dropped and I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me I was horrified. I’ve always had an issue with him wanting to maintain a friendship with his ex, it appears that he has been having a relationship with her and others for as long as we’ve been together, manipulating extra days we’d have his daughter that didn’t work the other way, he’d go out leaving me babysitting. I accused him of an affair with her and the nasty escalated.

I’m now being threatened with Coercive a control because I have been digging and questioning him about different people. I know he’s been meeting someone so I (detail removed by moderator), yes I know I shouldn’t have done that but I was in a desperate state not knowing what to believe and I just wanted it to stop. I felt like I was going crazy.

He has turned his family against me telling them I’m abusive and coercively controlling him by accusing him of affairs he hasn’t had. I’ve had texts from his family and his mum threatened to (detail removed by moderator). He said I’ll lose my job, and can press charges even after we divorce. If I argue with him or try to deny any abuse on my part he gets really angry and I receive streams of texts telling me how I’ve hurt him and how abusive and damaging my behaviour is. I have been harassed on a daily basis from morning till night for (detail removed by moderator) by him trying to get me to admit to abusing him, something I refuse to do. The more I refuse the worse his behaviour toward me gets.. it f it doesn’t work he switches and is nice to me until I say something he doesn’t like.

I know he is abusive but he manages to make me doubt myself and I feel trapped by that self doubt. I don’t trust him, I recognise all the tricks now and still cannot manage to make myself leave him. I have a lease I’m supposed to sign on another property and still I’m sat wondering if he’s right and that I’ve been wrong this whole time.

He’s been keeping records of our conversations and recordings, setting up conflicts to record my angry reaction and has been talking to everyone about my abuse both to personal friends and family and at work professionally. I’ve had to sit and swallow the repeated accusations of my abuse, it’s been truly horrific! He’s built a whole network of lies about me.

I’m scared to leave, he’s got it all sawn up. Documented his twisted perspective to a fine art and I haven’t. I can’t afford to lose my job I have a family to support. He’s refused to leave our home knowing I can’t rent because we have pets.

Sorry this is a long read, a lot has happened and it’s a jumbled mess in my head.

I’m scared he’s going to try prosecute me if I leave him. I’ll lose everything I’ve worked my whole life for… it seems easier to stay.

[Lisa]

Hi Nandag,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped to post about what you have been through, and what you are still going through because of your husband- it sounds very distressing. I hope you find the forum a safe place to express and offload your thoughts to others who understand.

If you would like some ongoing emotional and practical support from your local domestic abuse support service, you can find details via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Shiningsunlight]

I just wanted to share a big virtual hug. I’m struggling to find a way out with pets from my situation. I can say that the saying it ‘didnt happen’ or ‘it wasn’t like that’ is definitely a sign of gaslighting and its the first one I noticed in my relationship.

I would really recommend reaching out to a local support service to help you leave safely – there are options. Also, if you can write a summary of the things you mentioned above and keep them on a work email or locked phone note just so its somewhere you can access later – ive documented dates / quoted him / what happened only in the last month or so and still got enough “evidence” that people can see its not right.

[Twisted Sister]

The ‘it didn’t happen’, or ‘it wasn’t like that’, is such a classic gaslighting, so much so I wonder if every single one of us on here and beyond has heard those gaslighting words, and it can be shocking to such a degree hearing someone deny your reality this way that it literally blows your mind especially when it comes from someone who professes to love you, love bombs you and does all these things to make out he’s just the great guy eveyone, look how fantastic [fake and evil] I am!

Its just hit me so hard reading your words about this, telling you that you are lying! When its your own truth you are telling, literally re-writing your own words! I had a work associate do this to me recently, stating that I’d agreed to something with another work colleague (that hinged on a huge breach of confidentiality issue) that I had definitely not agreed to, but when I said, ‘No, I didn’t agree to [that] with [them] they literally stood there and told me that I had! It is absolute crazy-making liars that do this. If I can stand in front of someone and say to their face that I hadn’t agreed something, and yet they feel they can argue my own words with me, is utterly ridiculous, and its all because that third party work associate has lied (but they have form for it, and I have been keeping track of the lies, as they are huge, not stupid little ones, which could get me into a huge amount of trouble, legally too).

who are these people that think they can literally re-write the words out of our own mouths, what kind of thinking must they have to do this, its not something my brain is capable of getting its head around, and I think the same for so many of us that don’t understand doing this.

This is what runs through your thread @Nandag but the biggest thing you have said is that you don’t trust him, and who can blame you, noone. You shouldn’t trust him. Get your plans in place, quietly, get your supports, and do whatever you need to do to distance yourself from this toxic treatment as far as you can.

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

This sounds so much like me I didn’t know what was happening until I got abuse.and I’m glad you mentioned the recordings I will now be weary what i say in my relationship because it looks like mine is heading that way.

[RedStrawberry]

Hi this sounds so familiar to me. My ex was constantly telling me how he’d been telling people about my crazy behaviour and saying they all thought I was mad. I dunno who he was talking to or if it was just more of him controlling me. I did eventually think I was going crazy when he refused to speak to me all for a while. I still don’t know ow what I’d done to cause that but I apparently should’ve known. This was added on top of the denying things had happened how I remembered them or that they had happened at all. Classic gaslighting but he was accusing me of gaslighting him! I was genuinely thinking I was maybe starting to have memory problems but funnily enough my memory has been fine since he’s gone.

[Bananaboat]

Yes! My ex always used to say all his mates think I’m horrible, I’d get called nasty names by him and say they’d all agreed with him. With hindsight, he’d look a right plonker talking about me/our relationship like that in the pub so I doubt he ever spoke to them about me but it works to destroy your confidence doesn’t it

[Hereforhelp]

My husband was always telling me that I had misunderstood what he meant, that I twisted what was said, that I was always blaming him (I ever I dared mention something he had done/got wrong)… the list goes on and on of the gaslighting, coercion, control, intimidation and worse… as I stayed with him for (detail removed by moderator) decades, it never gets better, they always become more abusive (especially if they feel they have been exposed)

I recorded my husband in the end and I could hear him deliberately trying to confuse me, gaslight me and then blame me… I also kept a journal of the gaslighting (I was unsure if it was all in ny head as he had told me I was mad for so long and I didn’t trust myself then). It might be helpful if you kept a journal?

This is so awful what your gusband is doing to you, it’s like mental torture, trust yourself as much as you can as it sounds like your gut is kicking in, trust it ❤

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