Tagged: Coersive control, senior relationships.
- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by Spices 101.
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13th January 2021 at 10:38 am #119663Spices 101Participant
Hi,
I’m new on here (detail removed by moderator) old and I’ve only just realised that I’m being coercively controlled, I’d never heard the phrase until about 4 years ago a friend said they believed it was happening to me but at the time I told her it was nonsense and we almost fell out over it. I’ve been with my man for (detail removed by moderator) married to him. We both took early retirement (detail removed by moderator) and my freedom was then taken slowly away, because we live on his works pension and he holds the purse strings. At first I thought it was him looking after me as I’d had health issues (now resolved) but my freedom has slowly been taken away and he insists on driving me everywhere even to meet family, I’ve got (detail removed by moderator) children from my previous marriage he doesn’t have any children of his own. I’m not given the freedom to see them alone only with him. I’m not allowed money apart from for food shopping, he buys all of my clothes, (only ones he wants me to wear,) buys my phone contract etc so I’m not short of things but I’ve never got money to buy gifts for my grown up children or grandson or anything else. Anyway I recently decided new year new me, and as he gets his state pension (detail removed by moderator) we are going to be financially better off, I decided to ask for money of my own. Wow, row to end rows, he (detail removed by moderator). He said (detail removed by moderator) I ended up with a promise of (detail removed by moderator) per week and feeling c**p and selfish for asking. He now teases me calling me (detail removed by moderator) but is being a bit better as he’s helping more in the house and he’s more patient, normally he’s very short of patience with me and shouts a lot, it’s as though he realises things are going to change. I’ve decided when lockdown ends and we can meet friends I’m going to insist on meeting my friends and kids on my own and see how he reacts, if it gets bad, I’m going to leave. Any thoughts? I’d love feedback. I’ve not seen anyone suffering as a senior person.
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13th January 2021 at 1:27 pm #119669ImagineParticipant
Hi Spices
I’ve just read your post and first of all I wanted to reassure you that there are other senior ladies on the forum including me.
It’s so very hard to get your head around it isn’t it? I have recently left a few months ago after (detail removed by moderator) I got to the point that I couldn’t face staying a moment longer. I’m sure other ladies will be along to offer you support and advice. I don’t yet feel that I have enough experience yet. I do though want to say well done for posting it takes strength to do that first post x-
24th January 2021 at 6:39 am #120304Spices 101Participant
Thanks so much for your reply it helps a lot to realise that I’m not the only person experience such things. My husband has drip fed me so much over the years that I’ve not realised until recently that what I was experiencing even had a name. He doesn’t see it as controlling he sees it as looking after me and keeping me from harm. I realise now that is very patronising and I’m not going to put up with it when the lockdown ends I’m going to test the waters and push my boundaries by insisting that he lets me go out alone to see family and friends.
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15th January 2021 at 7:42 am #119814WonderingwhyParticipant
Hi spices
I also suffered from coercive control, I was kept without money so I had to ask him for anything I needed, I was stopped from seeing my family, he would create such a fuss if I wanted to visit my frail elderly mother, give me the silent treatment and make it such a misery for me to even think about visiting her, sadly she passed away a short time before I left him, he hated me visiting her as on the occasions when he was violent towards me I would get out as soon as I could and she would let me stay with her, she was sadly witness to all the physical damage I suffered. He would never let me take the children or dogs and would spend every minute I was away poisoning their minds against me, telling them lies about me until they didn’t want to see me, he would then be sorry, turn on the charm and persuade me that he was sorry, I kept going back thinking he would be nicer, he wasn’t, I wasn’t allowed to get my hair cut, wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, I had no nice clothes, I wasn’t allowed to have friends and wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. I passed alot of it off as just his ways, he liked my hair the way it was, I didnt need to get it cut, I was pretty without makeup, I didnt need to wear it, he was my best friend why would I need other friends, this was the coercion he used to control me, I dont know why I stayed for as long as I did, I was constantly told I was fat, ugly, worthless, useless and that no one else would ever want me and I couldnt manage without him, I believed it for so long. I know none of this helps your situation but I do empathise with it, we can survive without them and find some kind of normality where a simple pleasure like having your hair done makes you feel good about yourself.-
24th January 2021 at 6:46 am #120305Spices 101Participant
Thanks so much for replying to my post. It means so much to know that others have experienced similar things and got through it. It makes me realise that there is light at the other end of the tunnel. Your experiences sound similar to mine but also much different to my experiences as what I’m going through has been very subtle. My husband is not violent but controls me through limiting my freedom under the guise of loving me so much that he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me. It’s stifling and I now realise that my life has changed and I’ve changed from being an independent, social person to being chained to him by invisible chains with my independence slowly taken away. I’m not going to put up with it though, because when lockdown ends I’m going start pushing the boundaries more and more, going out alone whenever I wish.
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25th January 2021 at 10:32 am #120347ISOPeaceParticipant
Definitely try a charity for your pet. Mine came from a rescue centre, so I know that makes things easier as they always agree to take them. But having spoken to the charity they have dealt with these things lots of times and suggested they take the pet the day I leave so I don’t raise suspicions. Just wanted to share that to let you know that there are some really supportive people out there who can help! Xxxx
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27th January 2021 at 10:59 pm #120519CamelParticipant
Hi Spices
I hope you’re well.
It’s awful having no money of your own. I know this from experience and being younger than you didn’t make it any less awful. I’m wondering about the decision you both made to take early retirement. Did you discuss how you’d manage the finances? Have you considered getting a job now?
Do you still have friends? Do you have interests outside of the home? Do your children ever come to visit? Or does he make everything unbearable and difficult?
What do you think will happen if you stand your ground? Has he ever been violent or threatened violence? Are you afraid of him? (detail removed by moderator).
I think you have two options. Keep chipping away at his control until you get some some little measure of freedom – the little he will ‘allow’ after arguments and insults. Or decide that your happiness is worth a great deal more than these crumbs. You don’t need to escape to a refuge. You can decide to leave if you want to. IF you want to.
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31st January 2021 at 2:10 pm #120753Spices 101Participant
Hi,
He always planned on retiring early he gets a good works pension. I was having health issues so it seemed the right thing at the time, (detail removed by Moderator) operations have now sorted my problems out so I’m in full health apart from arthritis. I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) so getting a job would be quite hard-if he would even let me take a job, he won’t let me visit friends and family alone so going out each day to work would be a big no no. I have not been allowed see friends for years, the last time (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when he insisted on taking me, hanging around for me and driving me home. He tends to make it difficult for my family to visit, he shouted at one of my sons last time he came and shouted at my grandson and upset my daughter the last time they visited. I’m not allowed outside interests he says if a couple love each other they shouldn’t need others. Not letting me drive is all because he’s overprotective he doesn’t want me to die in an accident. I’m like a prisoner, Covid hasn’t helped but I’m going to try to push boundaries when lockdown ends. Thanks for replying. X
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24th January 2021 at 6:50 am #120306Spices 101Participant
Hi thank you for your reply, It means so much for me to realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I can escape these invisible chains that I’m wearing. Can I ask where you went when you left, the thing I worry about is my cat, if I end up in a refuge I can’t take my cat with me. Thanks so much for replying to my post.
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25th January 2021 at 2:06 am #120340gettingtiredParticipant
Hello, there are some charities who can foster pets for you whilst you’re seeking refuge.
It’s definitey worth having a Google or asking your local Women’s aid. Xx -
26th January 2021 at 8:47 am #120387Spices 101Participant
Thanks so much for replying to me, it means a lot and I will remember that about my cat when I’m ready to go. Thank you and have a lovely day. X
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