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    • #119663
      Spices 101


      I’m new on here (detail removed by moderator) old and I’ve only just realised that I’m being coercively controlled, I’d never heard the phrase until about 4 years ago a friend said they believed it was happening to me but at the time I told her it was nonsense and we almost fell out over it. I’ve been with my man for (detail removed by moderator) married to him. We both took early retirement (detail removed by moderator) and my freedom was then taken slowly away, because we live on his works pension and he holds the purse strings. At first I thought it was him looking after me as I’d had health issues (now resolved) but my freedom has slowly been taken away and he insists on driving me everywhere even to meet family, I’ve got (detail removed by moderator) children from my previous marriage he doesn’t have any children of his own. I’m not given the freedom to see them alone only with him. I’m not allowed money apart from for food shopping, he buys all of my clothes, (only ones he wants me to wear,) buys my phone contract etc so I’m not short of things but I’ve never got money to buy gifts for my grown up children or grandson or anything else. Anyway I recently decided new year new me, and as he gets his state pension (detail removed by moderator) we are going to be financially better off, I decided to ask for money of my own. Wow, row to end rows, he (detail removed by moderator). He said (detail removed by moderator) I ended up with a promise of (detail removed by moderator) per week and feeling c**p and selfish for asking. He now teases me calling me (detail removed by moderator) but is being a bit better as he’s helping more in the house and he’s more patient, normally he’s very short of patience with me and shouts a lot, it’s as though he realises things are going to change. I’ve decided when lockdown ends and we can meet friends I’m going to insist on meeting my friends and kids on my own and see how he reacts, if it gets bad, I’m going to leave. Any thoughts? I’d love feedback. I’ve not seen anyone suffering as a senior person.

    • #119669

      Hi Spices
      I’ve just read your post and first of all I wanted to reassure you that there are other senior ladies on the forum including me.
      It’s so very hard to get your head around it isn’t it? I have recently left a few months ago after (detail removed by moderator) I got to the point that I couldn’t face staying a moment longer. I’m sure other ladies will be along to offer you support and advice. I don’t yet feel that I have enough experience yet. I do though want to say well done for posting it takes strength to do that first post x

    • #119814

      Hi spices
      I also suffered from coercive control, I was kept without money so I had to ask him for anything I needed, I was stopped from seeing my family, he would create such a fuss if I wanted to visit my frail elderly mother, give me the silent treatment and make it such a misery for me to even think about visiting her, sadly she passed away a short time before I left him, he hated me visiting her as on the occasions when he was violent towards me I would get out as soon as I could and she would let me stay with her, she was sadly witness to all the physical damage I suffered. He would never let me take the children or dogs and would spend every minute I was away poisoning their minds against me, telling them lies about me until they didn’t want to see me, he would then be sorry, turn on the charm and persuade me that he was sorry, I kept going back thinking he would be nicer, he wasn’t, I wasn’t allowed to get my hair cut, wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, I had no nice clothes, I wasn’t allowed to have friends and wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. I passed alot of it off as just his ways, he liked my hair the way it was, I didnt need to get it cut, I was pretty without makeup, I didnt need to wear it, he was my best friend why would I need other friends, this was the coercion he used to control me, I dont know why I stayed for as long as I did, I was constantly told I was fat, ugly, worthless, useless and that no one else would ever want me and I couldnt manage without him, I believed it for so long. I know none of this helps your situation but I do empathise with it, we can survive without them and find some kind of normality where a simple pleasure like having your hair done makes you feel good about yourself.

    • #119821

      Hi, sorry to hear what you are going through. I think you will find quite a few more mature ladies on the forum myself included. I left in the (detail removed by Moderator) and was treated much the same as you, was not allowed to go anywhere by myself, constantly questioned about what I was doing and monitored most of the time, I was only in the relationship for a short time, but had to leave when the controlling got worse and ended in him be arrested. I left with very little and had to start again, no matter what age you are, it is no way to live, you deserve a calm peaceful life, he will not change.
      Take care. beachhutx

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