Coersive Control?

[Lostsquirrel]

Hi,
I was with my ex-partner for (detail removed by moderator) and he is a (detail removed by moderator).
Throughout our relationship, he has always been the boss & ‘stubborn’ as I used to put it and would always give into what he wanted. He would complain about my family that he didn’t like them so I stopped visiting them as often and I had very few friends other than the mutual friends we spent time together with. He would constantly ask me what I was wearing and whether I would wear (detail removed by moderator) outfits for him and asked me to sleep with other men/women so he could watch. He knew I didn’t like this as I had told him several times but he always made me feel guilty if I didn’t. Either way, I felt worthless. I would also have to be on guard for his mood because if he was tired or hungry, he would fly off the handle at the smallest thing but was never physically abusive. I never stood up to him while we were together as I am quite laid back and didn’t want to upset or cause arguments but i was always on high alert. However (detail removed by moderator), I found out he was cheating on me with a woman (detail removed by moderator) and so I ended the relationship. We own a house together and I began the process of trying to agree the separation (Still ongoing). Eventually (detail removed by moderator) via solicitors. During these discussions, I had to fight for my share of the house and the contents and as a result, he became more and more controlling in the house. Turning off the broadband, heating electric etc. if I didn’t agree to his demands . I never realised how controlling he was until I started standing up for myself and saying no and he just couldn’t handle it. I (detail removed by moderator) and he broke in, closed the joint accounts and transferred everything into his name and (detail removed by moderator) so I had no heating or hot water. Eventually, things started escalating to the point I had to get the police involved and he was arrested and is now under investigation. I am constantly doubting myself as to whether this was abuse or me just over-reacting to the situation? My head is a mess! I have had to give up work as I have developed severe anxiety and depression as I feel like a prisoner in my own home as he has moved out following police instruction but can still come and go as he pleases as he is a joint owner. I just don’t know what to do from here?? (Detail removed by moderator) and am desperate to leave but he refuses to sign the paperwork to complete everything so I am stuck! Please help!!

[Wiseafter]

Hi Lostsquirrel, I hope you are OK. There is no question that his behaviour is abusive and controlling and you have shown enormous strength to stand up to him and put yourself and your needs first. I was with my partner for about the same amount of time and relate to much of what you have described. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you will get through this. Slowly, slowly you are taking your power back because you have it in you – I can tell. There are others who are better placed than me to advise on what kind of support is out there and next steps (I know Women’s Aid can help direct you to the best place to access advice and support in your local area) but I think a non-molestation court order to stop him being able to access your home, harass and intimidate you further may be the first thing. Making sure you feel safe is the first priority. You could also speak to your GP about getting some counselling or therapy for the anxiety and depression, especially if you feel isolated. I know from experience that not being able to share with others and rely on friends can be tough when your partner has isolated you and nobody knows the truth about what went on at home. It helps to talk to someone you trust about what you are going through. Keep posting. Sending you a big hug xx

[Anonymous]

Lostsqirrel Its abuse no two ways about it, he may not have physically hit you but it’s abuse, sometimes the fear of what they could do is enough to put you on edge and the fact you were manipulated into doing things you didn’t want to shows a selfish callous nature(I’ve experienced that too) I will never do anything I’m uncomfortable with for as long as I live now 🐿🥜🐿

[LateToTheParty]

Hi – I’m new here and trying to get my head around psychological abuse. Although my husband has been physically abusive towards other women, he has mostly avoided that with me. But after (detail removed by moderator) together, it turns out that a lot of aspects of our relationship do tick the boxes of coercive control. I don’t feel like I’ve been a victim. But at the moment I’m struggling: partly to figure out a safe way to leave (he has become more overtly threatening and I’m having nightmares); partly to figure out how to talk about this to our adult kids; and also because I’m starting to wonder if my own behaviour patterns from being in a abusive marriage have been affecting a separate relationship with a male co-worker. Over the past (detail removed by moderator), I have been hyper-sensitive to any criticism from this co-worker, and also hyper-anxious about his bad moods, even though objectively I know that my work is very good and also that my co-worker is not a violent or abusive person. Does it seem possible that I’m taking out my personal messy situation out on this co-worker??

[Author]

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