come on Bridget

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

You promised yourself to ignore it all, completely and utterly. So do it.
Bring back the strength you had a few weeks ago, do it!
Whatever gets thrown at you, be more clever than him, beat him at his own game.

Ignorance is bliss.

He tried his tactics today, again! And you fell for it, again. Why? Because you forget to take a step back and analyse. You react. Don’t!!!!

Ignore it all and do as if he didn’t exist.

[KIP.]

Elastic band on your wrist. Everytime he engages. Give it a good ping. A reminder to step back and disengage in the dysfunction x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Hi KIP, it’s either that or I will have a nervous breakdown! But if Bridget can survive over (removed by moderator) three decades of this, she can survive anything!
I shall wear an elastic band indeed because with people like him, it’s difficult to stay in the real reality…i need to stop reacting as if he was a normal person, he clearly isn’t. I simply need to stay focused on me as if he didn’t exist, otherwise he drags me via my reactions to his illogical, non sensical world where he jubilates seeing the reaction he wants…
With him it’s like knowing someone wants to make you cry, you don’t need to but he makes you because he manages to get to you. Weird world they live in…

[SaharaD]

I don’t know if it’s him you are ignoring.

I have BPD, EUPD, EID. I have done a lot of therapy around emotions.

Your emotions are firing and telling you that you need to flee but you surpress and ignore that. Sounds like you are trauma bonded. It’s safer to stay in the abusive and traumatic situation, than face the unknown and the uncertainty and unpredictability of leaving.

I can’t say don’t react because that’s denying your normal human emotion that is there to send you a message of protection.

After years of doing this, it’s a habit that is hard to break.

You are strong, Bridget. You are highly intelligent to rationalise staying in this traumatic situation. Your emotional intelligence and emotional resilience is being battered by him and the situation. He is and will wear you down and one day I’m worried if he does not kill you, he will break you psychologically and you will feel like he has won.

Come on Bridget, break the trauma bond, leave (or make him leave) and take the underage children.

You are no longer responsible for the children 18 and over. They need to learn to navigate this cruel world alone. I left home at 18. Because I wanted to grow up. Now if my parents were to die I feel practically and psychologically able to deal with it. I know many people who are dependant on their parents well into their 40s that when the parents die, their whole life falls apart because they never learnt or developed the skill of coping on their own and being independent practically and psychological. They also need to learn how not to become an abuser or a victim and how to get out of an abusive situation. Teach them with actions and words Bridget. Show them if something is wrong, don’t ignore it address it and remove themselves from the situation completely.

I don’t have kids but I grew up in an abusive household, that I once resented and was angry at my mother for perpetuating. I’m glad that I had enough academic intelligence and emotional intelligence to break the cycle by leaving at 18. My sister who was less vocal about the abuse left at 18 also.

I became a lodger and got a job. My sister went to study and stay far away with extended family.

My mother stayed but both of her children ran as far away from her abusers sphere of influence as they could get. We still bare the scars. My sister feels ill equipped to have children and I with my diagnosed mental illness dread passing it on psychologically, genetically and behaviourally on to my child.

Come on Bridget break the trauma bond. Only you can do it. He won’t break it. He will break you and the children.

[Healthyarchive]

You speak wise words SaharaDx

[SaharaD]

It’s just another perspective and opinion for Bridget. I don’t mean to be offensive or come across as wise. I just give information from the therapy, counselling and recovery courses I have done. Just yesterday in one of my therapy groups we talked about abuse avoidance and how hard it is to get out of an abusive situation because there are so many dynamics at play.

But it all boils down to you have to make sacrifices to get out and it’s frightening and scary. But you have to be more scared that the abuser is going to scarifice you and your children’s lives to leave.

I saw my abusive husband getting worse as I was getting better at identifying his abuse. I thought..after the assault how can this be fixed if he’s willing to destroy us both. I am not willing to let us both be destroyed so I left. I felt the same gut feeling as a child. My father was willing for me to remain a child-like adult co dependant so that he could control me physically at first. Then as I would become physically stronger than him with age, put for years the psychological trauma bond in place so that like many people who are manipulated and battered by their elderly parents, I would become a non whole person. A possession to show off to his peers. A slave to his whims. A psychological cripple.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

How can you implement the strategy of No Contact with your abuser husband? You ‘reacting’ to him is normal. As Sahara says ‘you reacting’ is alerting you to the fact that he is poison for your mental health. There is nothing wrong with your reactions.

How can you start No Contact with him. The only way is for him to leave the family home or for you to leave the family home. Focus on this solution. Forget your reactions. Focus on the solution which is how can you implement No Contact with him.

If you can implement No Contact with him, your reactions will take care of themselves. First things first, you need to go No Contact and maybe start with minimum contact (while living in the house with him) until you get a No Contact strategy in place.

What are the obstacles facing you in going No Contact with your abusive husband. Keep posting about these obstacles and we will help you explore them.

I’m telling you this and yet I can’t go No Contact with abusers in my job. But I’m implementing minimum contact as much as I can and that’s helping ‘my reactions’.

Don’t blame ‘your reactions.’ Its like if he beat you up and you blamed your body for bruising and/or bleeding and for you crying out with pain due to the beating from him.

I can relate though I did and do the same all the time with abusers/bullies and people who have unacceptable behaviour. I say to myself ‘I shouldn’t be reacting to them, feel hurt, be angry’ when that’s a normal human response to being on the end of unacceptable/abusive behaviour.

[Healthyarchive]

I was married for years, it was really miserable, we were not suited but I could not leave. In my mind I had made a commitment that was for life. As the years went on it felt so unhappy all of the time. One day a man showed me attention, I had a fling, it was what I needed to make the break. Maybe one day Bridget will get the break that she needs too.

[Serenity]

You’re expecting too much of yourself, B.

It’s nigh impossible to ignore an abuser if you live with them. Their poison gets everywhere.

The advice you’ve been given above is great, but don’t forget to show yourself massive compassion and to not be hard on yourself if you have bad days.

[godschild]

Bridget, they keep trying their tactics , to see if they can get a reaction, I get it all the time, im learning how to deal with it, in fact sometimes now I even smile to myself when he dosnt get the reaction he wants but he gets me at times still, you cant always get it right ,when you are bombarded with their various types of abuse.

I really like what lonc has written about the fact that you would not blame your body for bruising and bleeding if it was physical, the emotional reaction is just as real and normal to what happens xxxx

[SaharaD]

That’s what they do isn’t it psychologically beat you up and then say “I told you she was crazy” when you break. And it’s normal to break with that kind of treatment!

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

serenity is right, be really gentle on yourself, dealing with abusers is too much for any of us. And to be honest I couldn’t leave my abuser myself. My finding it impossible to leave was tied up with my religious beliefs, my children and letting go of my house. I did beg (on my knees) God to help me leave (the emotional pain from the abuse was getting unbearable). I found my way out when thankfully he decided to discard me by initiating separation proceedings (as a scare tactic) but I grabbed this opportunity with both hands to leave our abusive relationship.

Healthyarchive is right maybe one day you will get the break away you too need. My friend too couldn’t leave her abusive marriage (due to her own denial stopping her) but then the relationship ended when her abuser died.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Bridget

You are doing so well think of all the positives you are doing.

I am stuck in the same property as my abuser till the house sales, so I know its not easy.

My days are long leaving the house early in the morning and returning late, luckily the house is large enough for me to have my own rooms, but you can feel his negative vibes at times. I try and think of it as a bonus for me to see him for what he is.

He can only control me sleeping here, I have made new friends and trying new activity.

As the time has gone on I have been able to block out what he does, I kept a diary of what he said and did, and if it was messing things up I took pictures of it. It was a way of me getting it out of the system without him getting the reaction he was carving.

Its not right we shouldn’t have to live like it but sometimes its a passage we have to go though for the life we deserve.

Stay strong you will get there.

FS xx

[Author]

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