Coming out of isolation?

[Anonymous]

As I may have said without going into detail I’ve just emerged from in the last four weeks the end of a major legal thing with ex.

This and contact order no longer being applicable means that I’ve entered a new phase of life.

Quite frankly I’m struggling with it at the moment. Almost as if I’ve been so used to fighting, fighting that I don’t know how to live otherwise. It’s really weird.

I’ve tried to make a draft plan for us for the next (detail removed by moderator) – but I Don’t seem to want to or be able to go out, meet people joing things in a way I used to.

Looking back at my week – day to day life seems so full of the things I need to do to keep the household going and make sure DD is ok, there seems little left for me.

Today I’m off to get my booster jab and that feels like enough.

I guess going forward I feel guilty for not working somehow, but the space I’m in at the moment I don’t think I could sustain it.

All I’m thinking, is get through the next two yaers and pandemic may be over…!
I’m just wanting things to remain stable. But don’t seem to have any goals for myself, maybe because I’m mentally enhausted?

Any thoughts anyone?

[iliketea]

In exactly the same position. Wondering if there is a coping limit that just gets reached when the final fuc*ery ends, not sure. Mine just ended in a last big punch (metaphorically) and I’m just a bit over the whole d**n b****x. Just wanted to send a hug and let you know you’re not alone. Hopefully someone will come along with some ideas. I seem to have lost all ability to put in any coping mechanisms and self-care right now. Just in a heap of hopelessness.

[KIP.]

I went through this. Just wanted to say it’s normal. You’ve been in survival mode for so long and it’s going to take some time to readjust to life without that fight flight or freeze mode. You will get there. Just try to do things that you enjoy and give you satisfaction x self care is really important x

[Wants To Help]

Hi StartingOverAgain,

I went through this too, and yes, it’s survival mode that keeps us going and once it’s over we crash. I endured a long time of legal processes too, all of them made as difficult as possible by him. Once it was all over I had a nervous breakdown and was a complete mess for a while and my family had to take over looking after my son whilst I recovered.

I describe the process as all-consuming. The whole thing takes over every aspect of our life. I’m not sure if it was you that recently described it as a part time job, but whoever wrote that I found myself nodding at the screen and completely agreeing. The whole evidence gathering process, liaison with solicitors, filing court documents, getting court dates, getting adjournments when you turn up, being told to submit more documents, delays being implemented on purpose etc, it is such hard work. Among this is finding somewhere to live, fighting for benefits, Child Support, our rights.

After my breakdown I had to find myself again and discover who I was and it took some time. I’m a totally different woman now than I was before the abusive relationship and during it. I’m a newer and better version of me than I’ve ever been. You will get there xx

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Yes, it was me that described it as a part time job. And then revised it to full time actually.

So thinking of you all in your recoveries.

I’m proud I went out and got my booster jab at least, feeling a bit weird now and fluey but okay.

The chores etc are a lot aren’t they looking after a teen or indeed any other age.

Sorry to hear about your breakdown Wantstohelp.

I feel grateful for the praise for everyday tasks which at present are holding things together.

I feel like I have done so much this week in terms of chores it is exhausting including making sure DD is okay etc.

But because it is not paid work difficult for self esteem sometimes.

Will sign off now, glad that flat relatively tidy and chores done so if jab reaction kicks in I can go to bed!

[Anonymous]

thinking of you especially ikeatea

hope you okay1

thank you everyone your posts helped.

[Watersprite]

Hugs to you all – especially on a gloomy day x I don’t really know who I am aside from a mother.
So we are in the same boat. It’s a process – maybe we are all so much further on than we can realise today and finishing with some of the mind bending processes will free us time to take that next step and find out who we really are. One things for sure – we are brave, still here against all the odds. Any tips for steps into that next stage would be very welcome please I feel too under confident to join groups and can’t trust enough to date x

[Anonymous]

I like the idea that we are all so much futher on than we realise today…

[KIP.]

It’s such a mixed up time when the fight is over. Society just expect us who have been brutalised and assaulted and abused to simply pick up the pieces and get on with it when some of us are so damaged we cannot function. So take your time and recover at your own pace.

[Anonymous]

Thanks KIP. Thought I was doing well today doing the chores and also having got myself for booster jab and feeling the effects now.

[Lifebegins]

Hi StartingOverAgain

So not taking away from your feelings but I really wish I was in your position and the legal nightmare was over. Well done you you’ve made it to the other side. You’re an inspiration to us!

Today I went to the cinema by myself. Really enjoyed it. Not the first time I’ve done it. The first time I felt very self conscious. Went to see a chick flick and surprisingly there was loads of women there on their own. So that built my confidence and I do it quite a lot now and love it. Give it a try if you like watching films (and eating loads of goodies).

I know you don’t feel you could work right now but how about volunteering? I used to work with single parents and the first thing I helped them do was finding a voluntary position. It was great in building confidence, establishing relationships and actually helping them move into work when the time is right. And you don’t have to commit too much time to it so great if you’re not yet ready to jump into work.

I totally agree that fighting the fight takes over your life. You need another focus now. I was so proud of you when I read your post about taking on solicitors re: legal fees. Good for you. You’re obviously a very competent and able women. You will find another avenue to use these skills just give it time.

X*x

[Anonymous]

Thanks Lifebegins.
Well done for getting yourself out to cinema.

Re voluntary work, not ready yet.

As KIP said, need some time. And space, kind of first time I’ve had it in nearly a decade.

I know it is difficult to post re legal stuff without details but perhaps you could access some help on here, don’t mind if you message me and I’ll try and say something helpful.

Big hug.

[Anonymous]

Seems the two day after effect of jab is easing off thank goodness.

Just wanted to say Watersprite, it is not fashionable these days to say this, but I actually think that being a mother is the most important job in the world, so with limited resources and needing to rebuild if we get that right we’ve done a lot.

As for the rest, I’m just taking it slowly. After all tortoise and the hare stuff perhaps…

[KIP.]

I felt poorly after having my jag but I had the time and space to recover and look after myself. I know if I was still with my ex my feeling tired would have been called lazy. He wouldn’t have let me sleep when I felt unwell. I so appreciate this space just to look after me. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[nbumblebee]

I have no advice but i read all of your posts and wanted to say how amazing strong couragous you all are. None of this is easy is it and i guess it takes time and lots of self love self healing to even begin to recover from what you have all been through. Hugs to you all x

[Anonymous]

good to hear bb and kip.

And would say the same kip on the resting front today.

I have been so grateful for a non-dramatic day today – just getting on doing bits and bobs and staying warm and as you say resting. Would not have been possible with ex as you say.

[Author]

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