Coming to terms

[purplecat]

Hi I am really new to this, both forums and facing up to my reality… funny word to get to grips with
My ex is (Detail removed by moderator). Turns out he had(Detail removed by moderator) years and had been pretending to go to work for at least (Detail removed by moderator) months (Detail removed by moderator). Looking back I suspected something was wrong but he was so convincing, telling me he was working from home or he had had a bonus. (Detail removed by moderator) But my Best Friend sent me a link to a gaslighting fact page 5 months before he was arrested and it sent chills down my spine.
I have a hearing difficulty and he would pretend to make calls or tell me I hadn’t heard things right. He would stay up late and not share a room with me telling me that he was working late. I wasn’t allowed to learn to drive because I couldn’t handle it. He would buy wine and tell me to relax and then hours later attack me telling me I was an alcoholic and a terrible mother. He would read my messages and emails and then deny it. I look back and I have no idea what was real and what wasn’t.
(Detail removed by moderator) on mental health grounds but my personal experience and gut instinct tells me different, but (Detail removed by moderator) has encouraged so many people from our shared life to feel sympathy for him and shun me. I am left utterly broken by all this. I have no idea who or what I am anymore.
I have met someone who is taking all this on and is being an amazing support but I persistently shut him down, pull up the draw bridge. I see myself as nothing more than a fat, ugly, deaf, old, useless failure. I question reality all the time and I keep suffering from panic attacks.
I want to be able to cope and manage my anxiety but the healing isn’t happening, in fact I feel worse than I did when my ex was (Detail removed by moderator) ago. (Detail removed by moderator) and I cannot begin to explain the fear. He writes to me, letter that refer to me as the “current legal guardian” of our two children, the divorce petition was a (Detail removed by moderator) page destruction of me and now I have letters full of love, support, thoughts and co-parenting loveliness. Why can’t others see him for what he is? Malicious, manipulative, coercive and sinister. I don’t know how to recover from this. Please if you have any experiences I need help

[KIP.]

My advice would be to keep all the evidence you can. To show he is unstable and manipulative. Zero contact so that he cannot continue his abuse. Any contact via a third party or solicitor. You know him better than anyone. My ex recruited his flying monkeys to try and discredit me. Those flying monkeys will find out in time that he is not the person he makes himself out to be. Meantime, hold your head high and cut contact with anyone on his side who can drag you down x

[purplecat]

Thank you. I’ve been told about flying monkeys and I kkeep batting them away. It’s heartbreaking finding out people you once trusted are ready to judge you and turn against you when you and your children are the ones that need help

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