Coming to terms of what it was – Rape

[confusedabouteverything]

So, its been a while since I first posted on this site stating I was confused on if it was rape or not (7 months). Truth is, I had a lot of time on my hands back then, like most of us I guess. While I was alone for a lengthy period I was forced to think about things a little more clearly. Why now? I have no idea, as what happened to me was a very long time ago. Maybe sub consciously my mind is trying to heal from those events or trying to get me to understand what happened, I really don’t know. The mind is a wonderful yet complicated, complex tool that I and many others will never be able to understand, or at least not without a little help. While in reality I know what it was, while people on my thread told me what it was. Its still hard to understand and come to terms and accepting that’s exactly what it was… RAPE. The worse part of it is, when I’m continuing my everyday busy life, its not even a thought in my mind about any of it, or the impact I think this has had on me. Yet, its the time I’m alone that I’m forced to think about life’s path that gets me questioning and wondering. I don’t know if I will ever be ready to tell my story publicly nor do I ever really know how to even explain what happened to me. Truth is I’ve kept it a secret half my life since it happened and at this moment in time, I’m not convinced that that will ever change. Maybe I’ll take it to the grave who knows. Even the thought of reaching out and seeking help, it makes me question why now, why after all these years, let resting dog lay as they say. Does reaching out and seeking help put me in a position where people could find out what happened to me. I’m not ashamed of what happened, but I don’t want people to know because I know once they know, the judgement is quick to follow along with being viewed differently and that is what I can’t live with.

[KIP.]

You could ring the Rape Crisis helpline and talk to them about your fears or try and get some counselling. The trouble with trauma is it lies there underneath the surface until it’s dealt with. It can be really harmful keeping a secret like that. Have you ever had counselling?

[confusedabouteverything]

No I never had or seeked counselling. In fact it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to accept the reality that it wasn’t ever really consent to begin with. The more brave women that come out and tell their stories and you read these in the media etc.. that’s when I really started to question about what happened to me and started the thought process of what I had been through.

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