Coming up to first anniversary of leaving. When does the hurt stop?

[Aurora]

Stop holding onto it. You put so much into moving on but you haven’t. You have made your own prison. Move on.

I’ve just received this message from a friend who I honestly thought understood. I had (detail removed by moderator) years of physical and emotional abuse before managing to escape last (month removed by moderator). My children suffered horribly. We were homeless for a time and they missed a term of school. I’ve managed to get a job but he’s done me terrible long term financial harm. We’ve had to move away and miss our friends terribly. I hope one day it will be a horrible memory but right now it’s still very raw I just can’t beli the damage he’s done to us. Just can’t stop crying over this stupid hurtful message. I have not made my own prison, I’ve worked so hard to be ‘strong’ for my children but who is there for me? It’s impossible to just ‘move on’ if only it was so easy. So angry and upset just can’t stop crying

[KIP.]

You have moved on from him. What you haven’t moved on from is the trauma he has left you with. That will take much longer. My very best friend just couldn’t grasp what had happened to me. Don’t let someone’s ignorance get you down. It takes a long time to undo the damage these men do. Financial, emotional, mental. Just look back and see just how far you have come. How many positive steps you have taken. How strong you are. You do not need her validation or anyone elses.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello Aurora, i agree with KIP, look at how far you have come, look at the strength you found to leave. ‘Friends’ really don’t get the whole dynamics of being abused, how can they, they haven’t lived with the day to day living with an abuser. You have been strong enough to leave him, find the strength to put this thoughtless remark where it belongs, in the bin. As humans we, for some reason we never believe the positives around us, but the negatives always get taken notice of and believed more of, that’s just our nature, nothing to do with us as survivors of abusers. You just know now to not talk about it with her. If she’s important to you ignore the comment, if she’s actually not really a nice person, cut her loose.
I think our tolerance of people becomes less as we get older anyway, but because someone we loved, hurt us in the worst possible way, we tolerate unkindness in others a lot less also.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I agree with all of the above. But I also wanted to add that I found all of the “first’s” really tough, but I am a good way through my second year and and it has been a hell of a lot easier. A lot of the things that were big deal first’s (moving, his birthday, new job, night out, holiday) were just first’s, and didn’t transition into anniversaries. There are a few which made it into year two. Second Christmas is coming up and it is definitely still that, ditto my second birthday. But the anniversary of my moving to a new place went by without me remembering. I entirely forgot his birthday. I can plan holidays without his shadow looming over me. People’s timelines vary obviously, but I am confident that your second year will be better than your first. Just keep going and looking after yourself. There are a lot of big dates to get through now, so it is normal that you will feel a bit down at the moment. But it will gradually improve. At the end of my first year I honestly thought I would always feel rage towards my ex. He had done so many awful things to me. My mother lectured me at length that I had to let go of the anger, which was wildly unhelpful. Over the past year it has faded. He became increasingly insignificant. He is still a disgusting parasite, but he doesn’t loom large in my life anymore. In my first year he was like s monster in the dark. I could feel him looming over me. This year he’s more like something I stepped in and didn’t quite manage to scrape off my shoe. Every so often I catch the smell and it ours things for a bit. But then it fades and I move on.

[Aurora]

I’m blown away by your kind and wise words. Thank God for you all. Thank you so much for taking the time to support me even on Christmas Eve when I’m sure you have a million things to do. Even had a giggle at a comment which was unthinkable this morning. Lots I will re-read over and over and think about. Thank you SO much. Merry Christmas x*x

[diymum@1]

Hi Aurora, other people just don’t get it when they haven’t ever walked a day in our shoes. This gets better and eventually they will see how strong you have become ☺but that does take time, time to heal as DV can destroy the soul. We can have a blank page now yo fill it as we please, with good understanding people around us. You’ve had a lucky escape, I count my blessings everyday and move forward bit by bit but in my own time. Be kind and love yourself and the rest will come xx 💕 💕 DIY ✌ sister suffragettes xx

[JessicaJones]

Oh my gosh, I’ve had this several times. I won’t speak about anything to do with it or him for months, then I mention him once and I’m told I’ve got to move on and stop thinking about it! When I literally NEVER talk about it, so if I ever do, it’s kind of potentially a good thing as it’s me processing what has happened whilst my brain is having a moment I can actually handle thinking about it. So its a beneficial and healthy thing to do. My reaction was to scream at them. It’s just disgusting ignorance and I’m sorry whoever sent you that message said that, they obviously lack the understanding of what this kind of trauma does to a person. I think everyone does. It’s one of those things, if you haven’t lived it you just don’t get it. Don’t listen. You did move on, you got out, you had to go through a hell of a struggle that most people never will. I’ve also just passed my first anniversary of leaving so I share your pain. Found it very triggering even though I’ve tried my hardest to not let it affect me. I love the name Aurora by the way!

[Anonymous]

Hi Aurora,

I’m sorry you had this experience. I find letting prople know how much I hurt really hard. Either they care and I feel guilty about hurting them, or they think I should just move on, as if it was that easy.
I have started reading a book called trauma and recovery by JL Herman.

I can’t take any more time off work for therapy and I really can’t talk to people about it. Perhaps this book may help you work through what is going on for you, and help you to understand why people just expect you to get over it.

[Author]

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