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I’ve been seeing a guy for a little while and he’s lovely, he’s kind and caring and extremely understanding. And I have honestly fallen for him, but everytime I want to open up or show him how much I care I start shaking and I freeze up, he shows no minipulating or controlling traits, no anger issues or anything to make me feel unsafe, Infact he makes me feel completely safe but I can’t even tell him that. My abuser was controlling, minipulative and physically and verbally abusive and he knew all my weak spots and I cared too much and let him break me down until I couldn’t recognise myself and it doesn’t matter how sure I am that this new man would never do that to me, I still can’t let him in. He knows about my previous relationship and that he was abusive so he understands to an extent but I feel like I keep pushing him away and I don’t know how to let him in.
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Dear SrongerThanYouThink – I am so glad that you have posted this question because I am having exactly the same thoughts and was thinking about posting a very similar question for the group for some advice. Like you I am seeing a lovely man who is not controlling in any way, shape or form, and knows the situation with regards to my ex and is very supportive, however, sometimes I feel suffocated or like I can just about cope with my life with the kids and work and that’s all – I don’t understand why I think the way I do but I am really scared that I am going to push him away and regret it in time. When my anxiety is bad (usually flares up every couple of weeks for a day or too – I am on medication) all I want to do is be on my own and just want to peace and quiet. I will be interested to see what people think as any advice would really help me out too as I don’t want to be destructive in my relationships an friendships going forward for no good reason.
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It’s void to hear that there are men who can make you Ferrell safe and shore no signs of abusive behaviour. I haven’t got any great advice, as in with Ayanna! I avoid men for now. It’s sad telly. Don’t know if I’ll ever feel differently.
Have you had counselling? Can you gently explain how you feel to your men?
I’m sure others will have more advice
Eve
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Ahh STYT and newlife, happy for you both that you have found people who seem respectful and trustworthy- I can’t speak from experience but all I can say is just carry on being yourself. Healing takes time and everyone is different in how they recover and how long it takes. These new guys, if they are really good guys, will understand this and will be patient. You may never want to commit like you did before and that’s okay, or if eventually you do, it’ll come when you’re ready and it’s on your terms. If they show any signs of not being able to accept you as you are, DROP THEM like hot potatoes. But hopefully they’ll keep giving you all the time you need, you just need to give yourself that time too! X
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