Communication

[Breakingthroughthecloud]

Hello, I’m new to this forum. I’ve read quite a few posts, but haven’t posted before.

I’m in the middle of a very messy divorce due to DA. Our children are living with me while it all goes through court and I have had to stop unsupervised contact due to concerns about his emotional abuse towards them about me.

I’m really struggling with it all at the moment. But one thing I’m struggling with is boundaries (for myself) checking emails and messages from him. This sounds silly, but I’m finding it really hard not to keep checking. Ideally I would check every other day or so because his messages are constant and extremely manipulative/abusive still. How do I hold this boundary better for myself? I need to for me and the children because it’s filtering into my thoughts constantly. The situation in general is in my head as soon as I wake, throughout the day and last thing at night. I have an IDVA and come trauma counselling lined up, but this has started yet. Any advice? Thanks x

[Bananaboat]

It’s hard isn’t it, not only have you been conditioned to reply asap but your body is also addicted to the chemicals released when you’re reading those texts/emails. It’s familiar to us, the stress & anxiety. One thing that helped me was to wean myself off. Instead of reading or replying straight away, I’d wait 10mins and tell myself that, growing to 30 mins, an hour, half a day and so on. Writing a reply in your phones notes section helped too, got it out of my head but not send it. Knowing this is what our body is doing also helps because you can catch yourself and think, no let’s do something else instead. Not the magic answer but might give you some ideas x

[minimeerkat]

hopefully you are keeping any abusive texts from your partner for your solicitor
i completely understand the compulsion behind wanting to read or hear stuff from them, but its sadly reinforcing any trauma bond there already is. its extremely confusing, as you fear something but feel you ‘need’ it at the very same time
is there a 3rd party willing to help with receiving information from your partner, as this may just help stop anything abusive being said at least
i know its a lot & i couldnt agree to one myself at the time (due to the trauma bond), but your solicitor is usually able to recommend a non molestation order if necessary – whether you feel this might be something you could consider to protect yourself temporarily. then hopefully all communication from your partner would be through solicitors only
its only thoughts
its great that you have trauma counselling lined up – are you in touch with a support worker or is this also something you are having to wait for. otherwise just talking to your local da service about this particular problem can help as they might have some good suggestions
stay strong because youre coping with such a difficult situation x

[Breakingthroughthecloud]

Thank you, both. I don’t have a solicitor unfortunately as I can’t afford one, but I’m also not entitled to legal aid. My IDVA has been amazing and I have almost daily contact with her when she’s working. I have a non molestation order in place and i’m logging the continued harassment with the police. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, I just have to keep adding to it.

I think the thoughts about being trauma bonded are true, unfortunately. And this is something I’m really struggling with. But I can only rationalise the compulsion to check messages, by understanding that conditioning. It makes me feel really stupid and pathetic frankly. Which I know is absolute rubbish, but I can’t help where my mind takes me with it I guess. It’s helped to share this though and know I’m not alone. So thank you <3

I’m careful not to reply straight away the majority or the time. I think weaning myself off is a good start. Being strict with myself and checking them when it’s appropriate (no children around, not first/last thing of the day etc). I’ve found writing a reply and setting an auto send to be quite helpful. That way it’s out of my head, I can go back and add if needed but know it will just go off to him at a later time so he’s not getting the hit of instant response which I know he wants badly. It’s when I start replying more quickly that I can see he gets a thrill and it starts to become more abusive.

I hate this situation with all of my being. I just want a calm, quiet life for me and my lovely children. This will help with that, I have to remember that, if nothing else!

[Sunnierdays]

Hi,
I’ve experienced this too. I left my husband (detail removed by Moderator) following emotional and verbal abuse over a number of years and since then he has gone through periods of bombarding me with abusive messages, often up to 15 at a time without any response from me while I’m at work or late at night. I’ll often look at my phone on a morning and find that he’s sent me messages overnight suggesting he was going to harm himself or making other threats.
It’s absolutely draining. I often switch off notifications so that I don’t see them straight away and I choose to read them later or when I’m feeling stronger. We still have a jointly owned property and young adult children so I don’t feel I can cut him off completely yet although friends have told me that is what I should do.

I agree that there will be a trauma bond there, almost an addiction to reading these messages. I feel it myself and although I get stressed when I’m receiving them, when he goes quiet I’m looking out for new ones arriving. It’s bizarre, but when you read up on it, it is a normal response. We’ve been conditioned not to ignore them and to put their needs before our own.

I would respond only when you have to. Not every message requires a response and often the response just gives them the chance to engage and continue the abuse.

It’s hard to hold boundaries and I really struggle with this myself but only by doing so can we start to rebuild and move forward xx

[tryingtosleep]

I completely understand this too. Friends would tell me ‘not to check’ when he was sending zillions of messages every day. I just couldn’t.

The one thing I’m glad that I did – was to turn off the ‘blue tick’ in whatsapp – so when he sent me messages in the middle of the night – he didn’t know whether I had read them or not. Sounds silly – but it made me feel a bit better. At least he didn’t know if or when I was reading all the messages.

Also – don’t reply – unless you really really have to. And definitely don’t reply straight away. Give it at least a day or more.

Now I just leave as short a reply as possible.

The other thing I still do – is to forward them onto a friend – especially the awful ones. That way – it feels like the pain is shared slightly.

Take care xx

[Author]

Posts