18th May 2016 at 1:48 pm #17520HopingforpeaceParticipant
Hi ladies, how do you go about dealing with a child contact issue with an ex when he wont respond to written communication and speaks to the young, not yet at school, child?
18th May 2016 at 4:41 pm #17532Confused123Participant
I would get advise fromm agencies even safe guarding how to deal with him, i would continue updates via communciation book regardeless if he is ignoring as it builds a record up for u , hopefully other ladies will have more suggestions
19th May 2016 at 5:31 pm #17596LisaMain Moderator
It can be very difficult to manage contact arrangements with an abusive ex, as it is very common that they use child contact as a way to continue the abuse and control. In general we recommend using email or a contact communication book, as Confused123 says that will enable you to keep a record. We also advise using a contact centre, rather than going to each other’s houses. If you have been clear in your written communication as to your wishes and he is not co-operating or replying you are doing as much as you can.
If there is currently no court order in place stating the contact arrangements then you are not obliged to give him contact, particularly if you feel it is detrimental for your child.
I think it would be helpful for you to seek some legal advice and you may want to consider the legal route to organise a child arrangement order.
The following services can provide excellent free legal advice;
You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk this through more with a female support worker.
20th May 2016 at 8:59 am #17627SuntreeParticipant
I would communicate through email and put cc to my solicitor at the bottom of it. I would BCC me into it and another person that way I always had a trail.
We had a formal court arrangement at first so I used that to stick to.
I made sure that any arrangements outside of that had to be communicated in writing so all parties were clear and knew what was happening and could refer back to it to save any misunderstanding.
He did try the talk to the kids, promise the kids I stood polity and firm. If any conversation was verbal I learnt to then put that down in writing to him and say this is my understanding of this.
Every communication that needed a response I would put a if I don’t hear from you by, then you agree with the above. Or words to that affect.
It didn’t always go smoothly and he stopped all email communication from me when he discovered that I could prove through a paper trail that he was lying.
He as I refused to converse with him in person and only through written format for any agreement to a change in the order due to “misunderstandings” would text me only. I diaried every text and would then reply back in email to them with the message and the the time and date stamp of his message in that email.
That way I was still communicating. It also took away most of the times where he didn’t bother to turn up.
Or he thought he could force me to hand them over outside of the contact order without my agreement.
It also showed that he was the one not communication, not trying to see his kids and not me stopping him and making him feel like a second class parent…
20th May 2016 at 11:03 am #17632HopingforpeaceParticipant
Thank you for your replies.
yes i have a court order but this has fallen down due to the situation and due to agreement from the ex. Dont ask me how i managde to get that but i did. But the problem still continues and the ex wont discuss with me. i asked him not to talk to our child about it as it upsets and worries our child and a child shouldnt be involved in adult issues. Ex ignored me and continued speaking to child. child who is not at school yet and will just say what they think will please him as children naturally do. Ex is trying to bribe the child to do what he wants. Ex is discussing with child, telling me in writing what child says and telling me what to do or telling child what is fine with him but he will check with mummy hence putting child in middle. ive tried to explain that he needs to speak to me please to discuss, that we need to agree way forward and give consistent messages to our child. He wont respond to my questions in order to discuss, wont respond to my question as to if he has a preference as to how he wishes to discuss things. Our child is consistently worrying and getting upset. im doing my best to reassure our child but our child shouldnt be worrying all the time.
im keeping logs of everything. we only communicate via emai/text and through communication book. A phone conversation is out of the question.
i know where i stand legally. Im looking how to help my child and where to go from here.
20th May 2016 at 9:41 pm #17650Confused123Participant
I feel for u and your child, I would keep giving your child reassurance that he/she doesnt need to get involved in between mummy and daddy , and that u will talk to daddy about any issues he has and im sure your child is scared to probably say ask mummy or mummy said ask her instead of me . Continue to put in communication book please do not discuss issues with child as child is upset afterwards, even if he ignores u a log is been built in. If he still continues to ignore u and the child is living with u, stop the child contact and state via email the reason why that child remains upset and unsettled due to him keep asking the child questions,let him take the process through court or communciate through your chosen method. Also sseek legal advice where u stand
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