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After months of living in what feels like a pressure cooker, (detail removed by moderator) I exploded. I completely lost control and told him exactly what I think of him. I told him how deeply unhappy I am and how desperate I am to leave him. I probably shouldn’t have said most of this as it will make him feel even more in control now. I just feel now like a crumbling wreak, I’m exhausted with no energy to actually sort my life out. I have been trying so hard to just ‘play the game’ while I build strength, but today it has all come tumbling down on me, and of course, as he always says, everything is my fault. I feel nothing at all for him, in fact Im starting to loathe him, I don’t think I can pretend any more. How do you find strength to keep going, to live each day with someone who makes you feel so utterly miserable. I have nowhere else to go, I don’t have any friend or family I can turn to. On top of all this I found (detail removed by moderator) detailing how cruel I am to him, I found them very hurtful. Can anyone give me advice on how to keep going, and keep sane, he is breaking me and I’m really struggling.
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Hi Secretlife, I’m sorry to hear how you feel. I felt like you you feel a couple of months before I left. The thought of building myself up to find the strength to leave seemed impossible. I had been struggling with anxiety, which he was making much worse. So I decided to start taking an SSRI to give me some mental space. I know medication isn’t for everyone but it really helped me.
I actually didn’t always ‘play the game’. I should say though that I didn’t feel at risk of physical abuse. I found that being less compliant made me feel stronger. But I was careful about how and when I did it. For example I would make excuses for things like sex (having a period or thrush!), because I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it but didn’t want the fall out of saying no. I remember when I was finally planning to leave I was counting down the days, hoping my latest excuse wasn’t going on too long). It wasn’t that Lying made me feel strong. I would rather have felt strong enough to tell the truth, but giving in did make me feel weak so it felt like a baby step.
Another thing I did was to start to make small but brave choices that put me first e.g. taking time for self care. Particularly when I didn’t anticipate a big blow up, I would try to tell myself that whatever I did there would be abuse, so I may as well choose something that is good for my wellbeing.
I also tried my best not to get sucked into defending myself. It was always totally pointless. He would always find a way to make everything my fault. I would tell myself that I was choosing not to waste my emotional energy on defending myself, because I didn’t need to. It didn’t feel the same as backing down in fear or frustration. It felt like I was taking my power back. Of course he tried to turn it around on me by accusing me of being on my high horse, but I chose not to engage with that too.
I can remember wanting to go out for something and him saying I couldn’t go or he wouldn’t let me back in. I decided to take a risk and go anyway and I felt like Thelma and Louise! I’m not recommending you necessarily do things like that. When they lose control the abuse usually escalates and you’re the best judge of what he might do. I often did back down when I thought he would go further than I could manage.
Ultimately for me it was about detaching emotionally and shifting my focus from appeasing him to looking after me. You need to feel safe enough and strong enough to leave. Not necessarily feel safe and strong, just enough to leave. When your mind knows there’s someone looking out for you (i.e. you’re looking out for you) you might start feeling a bit safer and a bit stronger.
There seems to be very little advice about how to find the strength to leave. I did google it and found a page on ‘Emotional detachment: surviving ongoing abusive relationships’ so it might be worth looking that up (links normally get taken down on here).
I know this is really hard and you feel powerless (which is what he wants you to feel). But that doesn’t mean you won’t get out. Just take baby steps. You will get there. Sending lots of love xxxx
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Thank you ladies for your replies, I really appreciate your support. Yesterday was hard, I felt so drained emotionally and completely numb. I also had to work, which took a lot of concentration. I was worried about how he would react to me, considering all that I said, but it’s wierd in that he hasn’t reacted at all, it’s as if nothing has happened! I’m guessing this is because he’s quietly content at feeling so in control again, and, he never actually listens or absorbs anything about my feelings anyway. It’s hard to understand how someone can show no compassion or understanding to another human being, but I know that is what we’re all up against with our partners. ISOpeace, I have read, and re-read your post several times, you are several steps further on from me and I find your words hugely helpful and comforting – I hope nbumblebee finds them as helpful. My abuse is emotional, I’m not in any physical danger. Your words about choosing not to defend myself really hit home, I waste so much energy on this, so from now on I will try hard to resist doing this. The sex thing is so difficult when you feel nothing and only do it to keep the peace, I always try and get out of it whenever I can and have actually become quite good at this! I will read up on emotional detachment, I have certainly distanced myself emotionally since learning about abuse,and I’m sure he will have noticed this. One positive this has happened to me recently, I’ve managed to get a few hours work each week, doing something I really enjoy. It gets me out the house and I get to meet and chat to lots of people. It’s doing me good, but, he hates it, I can tell, I feel though it’s a part of me taking some control back in my life. Its not helped things at home, but I am taking some strength from it. (the money also helps towards my escape fund!!!). So, I’m feeling stronger and more positive in myself again and will carry on with my mission to leave. And now I will Put the Kettle on – I love your username, and thank you for your words. Lots of love to you all, thank you so much for your support xxxx
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Its good to hear your reply.
This is all so hard isnt it and it sounds like you are doing as well as you canin such difficult times. Be proud of yourself. Im sadly not allowed to work without his say so although he doesnt stop me from buying anything I sadly am unable to start a get out fund. I need to get out I know that I cant go on but I cant and wont get out. However like you I am slowly trying to gain a little control although he is getting worse as I do so I do often back down. Keep going keep getting stronger, keep posting on here and asking for help these ladies are great.
Stay strong and take care x*x -
Thank you nbumblebee for your support and encouragement. It must be so tough for you too. I think ISOpeace’s advice about gaining some control and taking baby steps is really helpful, and very true. Our situations are so very hard and a way out seems invisible at times. The fact they don’t like us working is about financial control but for us, it’s not about the money, it’s about getting out the house and talking to nice people! Would your partner be amenable to you getting an unpaid job say in a charity shop? He would still be in control of the finances but you could get out for a while? I’m sending you strength and love, remember, baby steps, these steps will all add up as time goes on and will increase your strength. Keep in touch and keep pop posting x*x
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@secretlife For me its not about financial control he likes me with him 24/7 as he believes and accuses me constantly of having affairs and if I am with him or at home where he knows where I am in his eyes I cant do what he believes i am doing. Never have i ever given him any reason to believe I will or have cheated. Sadly himself and sex is all he really cares about.
I am trying with the baby steps but find he gets nastier so I have to tread very carefully.
I hope you are able to see a way through soon my love, sending you hugs xx
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