Completely thrown

[Optimystic]

I’ve had to go through abusive incidents every weekend and usually through the week and yes, I’m feeling depressed now. However, my partner has just called me out of the blue to say he’s concerned about my mental health and concerned about me and is there anything he can do to help. This has shocked and confused me and I feel even worse now. It’s so weird. He’s always refused to help or got angry if I even suggest it. He’s never shown concern for me ever. What is this?! I don’t even know how to react other than pretend to be happy now. I’m so confused.

[KIP.]

My ex did this. Took me to the edge of a cliff where I hung by my finger nails. Then he seemed to know just when I’d had enough and would be nice again. He’s hooking you back in and it’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

[Camel]

Don’t be thrown. Recognise it for what it is – more manipulation and an attempt to hoover you back in.

If you’ve left you have no obligation whatsoever to communicate with him. Ever. Block his number. Or get yourself a new one.

[Camel]

Though I’ve just remembered my ex calling me after I’d left and feeling obligated to answer. He invited me to a gig, said I could stay at his, warned me that the guy I’d started seeing was bad news. I told him that it was too soon to be meeting up as friends. Thanked him for the info on the new man but told him it wasn’t any of his business.

I could have avoided all of this if only I hadn’t picked up. But physically leaving isn’t quite the same as mentally leaving. It takes time to disentangle. I changed his name in phone contacts to ‘D*ckhead’ until I felt strong enough to delete him.

[Optimystic]

Camel, you have given me a giggle. We’re still living together for now. Thank you KIP as always. I decided to go and buy nice food, make a nice tea, not be depressed. Nothing was mentioned of the call when I got home. But he picked on our son for no reason, and shouted at me to stop whining at him. Commented on the quiet dinner table. I swear I was making an effort! So I guess he’s not that worried about my mental health? Do you think he’s planning to use my mental health against me? I’m still very confused about this call x

[KIP.]

He’s causing your mental ill health as mine did then tried to say I wouldn’t get custody of our son because of it. They will use anything they can against you. It’s crazy making behaviour.

[Watersprite]

Mine did the same too – GASLIGHTING x Weird how they all do the same – no imagination lol!
I call him earworm
But d••khead is way better! X

[Optimystic]

When I eventually get his name changed to that in my phone I’ll know I’ve made it ladies! I think many would say it’s nice he’s concerned about us. I just feel unnerved by it. A call from work 2 days after an abusive incident? Straight into mental health concerns? Not a peep before. Just horrible nastiness? I am amazed every week.

[KIP.]

Try changing his name to a lower case first initial. It’s a start. Also please understand that it’s not your fault. You could be the most perfect partner ever and he would simply move the goal posts and abuse you over something else. Or simply make stuff up. It’s not what he’s saying you need to be aware of it’s the intention behind it which is to leave you confused and headspinning. To take the focus off his own behaviour. I’ve seen this so many times and it keeps your mind trapped in this dreadful system of abuse, step back from the crazy. Keep a journal.

[Optimystic]

Yes KIP, I immediately thought what are you up to now? He never mentioned it at all when he got home. And you’re right, my head was spinning with confusion. I’d been off with him the day before, so it all makes sense now. Gaslighting? Yes I agree Watersprite and it’s a comfort to me that it’s a common tactic albeit new to me. Thank you all v much for your responses, you’ve really helped me again xx

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