Conflicted

[BeautyMarked]

Hello,

I feel really bad as I keep coming on here asking for advice and support when there are so many others that need support. I wish I could respond to other people’s messages but I don’t know how.

I’m having a tough time. It’s like I can’t quite accept that what I’ve experienced is abuse. I keep thinking it’s just been a bad relationship and that happens a lot so what makes this different. I feel like some of it’s my fault. That if I just stood up for myself or wasn’t so needy I could have walked away. The fact that he’s the one that left me rather than the other way around makes it seem even more my fault.

I’ve put a halt to the complaint today and have been writing a letter to him instead to give my side. I feel like he would be understanding if only he had the whole story and throw his arms around me and show me the compassion that he keeps saying he has so much of. That he will come to see that he shouldn’t have put so much pressure on me. I keep excusing him, saying that he was struggling and going through a bad time.

I just wish I could speak to him and am trying to put the brakes on the complaint and try mediation. I’m not going to deliver the letter myself, at least not without the knowledge and permission of those who are in charge, in case I get accused of anything.

I don’t know why I can’t accept that this is abuse. I keep putting it down to bad relationship and blaming myself and feeling like it must be me as I’m such a mess and desperate to talk to him and work it out. It’s clearly me. I feel like I’m losing my mind completely. I feel like I want to at least try the informal approach first so that I can know in my mind I was reasonable and tried everything to be amicable.

I hope I’m making some kind of coherent sense and I’m sorry for being like this. I’m just struggling and feel like a fraud to actual victims of abuse.

[KIP.]

Please don’t contact him by any means. If you can just take some time to process what has happened, get some space you will see just how manipulative this man has been. If he truly cared for you he would never have behaved the way he did. You need to speak to someone face to face. Try speaking to your GP. Ring the helpline number on here and talk to someone who knows what you’re going through. He’s never going to throw his arms round you and any compassion you might think he has you just need to look at how he treated you to know there’s none there. You’re still very vulnerable and you need space. There is no rush to do anything. Doing nothing is still an option.

[Flowerchild]

Sit on that letter please, Beauty darling. It will probably be therapeutic to write it and I hope you feel better when you have, but please wait 24 hours, a week, a month before you make any decision about sending it.

He has pulled the classic abuser tactic called ‘the discard’ which is designed to trigger all the confused, painful, self-doubting, guilty, bewildered and shameful feelings you’re describing to us on here. Lots of people have been there.

I know it’s hard to let go of the ‘perfect soulmate’ you met who seemed too good to be true. Spoiler alert: he was too good to be true. That was playacting on his part. He was never that person. He wasn’t offering love and devotion, he was seeking power and control.

That person isn’t coming back, not unless he decides to lure you back in all over again. That person only makes brief appearances because it’s really hard work for an abuser to be nice!

Your big mistake is to imagine you can reason with him and get him to explain his actions while seeing things from your point of view. He can’t do empathy; he can’t do reasonable and he will neither apologise honestly nor explain truthfully.

Loads of people on here have struggled for just the closure and understanding you want and it is simply not to be had. Engaging again only means confusuion, hurt and despair again. It doesn’t matter how many times you go back, it won’t be resolved in any sane, logical, healthy way.

Please sit on your hands for a bit. You can always send it later if you decide to; you can’t call it back if it triggers another round of crazy-making behaviour from him which could be dangerous to you.

So sorry you fell into the clutches of this individual. Don’t let him define you and don’t let hope triumph over experience.

He clearly showed you who he is when he tried to force you to choose between him and the pregnancy at a time you were so vulnerable. It is important to believe people when they show you who they are.

Flower x

[diymum@1]

some times we want to concede because we just cant face this – its a huge deal – this is one of the hardest things youll will face in your life. as KIP says you dont have to do anything right now – take some time to get support and space to think clearly. the problem is he sounds very selfish and entitled – often these men think they are superior and they see us inferior to them. this is a very scewed view point – he told you he was compassionate but actions are louder than words and his actions were to the contary. dont waste more of your energy on him you deserve so much better – walk away now – because if you go back your he will make your life a misery – he does sound like he is abusive alot of his tactic have the hall mark off an abusive man – i knew one just like him for over twenty years – your views and need for support are very relevant and real xxxx take care much love diymum xx

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