Conflicting advice

[Buddy]

Hey , Anyone Else have conflicting advice from a family member .. if anyone knows my story things are tense here with elements of control and corceive abuse .. throwing stuff etc ..
I feel unhappy in the marriage as I feel unloved also .. my mum said to me (detail removed by Moderator) , you must think of the good stuff aswell , think about how he gets up in the morning to make you breakfast (detail removed by Moderator) , when he could have a lie in …
I feel today my strength is slipping and these could things are coming back to haunt me as reasons to stay ..
don’t get me wrong perhaps tomorrow my strength be back but today I am weak .. this is an emotional rollercoaster

[iliketea]

Cognitive dissonance, do some research into it. Cycle of Abuse too.
Is making you breakfast putting him out in any way? Does it really mean a lot to you? Does he do anything that you really want him to do or is there always a resistance? When did the making you breakfast in bed start? Is it a way of trying to reinforce he’s a nice person because it’s something he always did at the start? So it’s constant reinforcement of the memory of the Love-Bombing stage…?

[Buddy]

I am definitely suffering from cognitive dissonance , it is like pure mental torture ..
😩 I am not sure if it’s part of the love bombing as he has done it whilst things are good between us .. I guess he does go out of his way as he gets up at (detail removed by Moderator) in his day off .. I always have thought it’s a thoughtful thing to do , as I probably wouldn’t do it 🤣
Is it possible they live bomb and buy you nice things , etc when things are good between you , as part of their way of keeping you ?
He does generally do things I want him to don.. ie paint room different colour etc , pop to the shop for me , make food etc etc ..
This is so hard

[Soulsearcher18]

Take care Buddy, iliketea is right- doing some reading may help you to see it clearly and empower you.

Until then, be guided by the professionals- seek out those who support you in your journey.

Your mum likely doesn’t fully understand all that is going on, so despite you telling her stuff that should ring alarm bells, she may well be taken in as he’s done a good job manipulating those around you.

This is hard to accept as you need her support but it doesn’t mean that it won’t be there for you, it just means that you have to seek out those that get it to support you to reach your goal. Once you have taken control of that and can tell your mum the true picture, once she can see the difference in you- it will be hard for her to ignore. She will likely be able to see things more clearly too.

When I first saw your title, I thought I might read that you’d received conflicting advice from us, or Women’s Aid but seeing that it is your mum- this doesn’t surprise me and I bet it is not an uncommon experience either. Just think, our mums are most women’s first port of call and so they are likely to be the first to be manipulated by them. From WA and us survivors- the message is consistent, it is not you, you are not responsible for his actions, your safety and well-being is the priority, gently encouraging you to remain focused on your journey out whilst understanding the challenges you face. That support is not going anywhere, if anything- that support is ever increasing and growing in strength.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Chestnut]

Hi Buddy I think this is very common and what we tell ourselves for a long time,” but think of all the good times to. “The good do not excuse how the bad make you feel. How you truly feel is important here. There is a reason you feel this way. I guarantee you could be with someone else who would also do the “nice” bits but without the abusive bits! You don’t have to take the “rough with the smooth here” it’s that that locks you in and messes with the head.

[Buddy]

Thanks soulsearcher you are right ..
I am trying to read up in cognitive dissonance as my head space is not good atm , it’s the worst feeling.
It makes you feel like you are going insane doesn’t it ..
my poor mum has had enough tbh and she isn’t getting younger , so I feel guilty about this also 😬

[Buddy]

Thanks chestnut , yes I am feeling a bit stronger now and back to a bit stronger 😬
My head is definitely a bit screwed at the moment and I am constantly shaking

[DropsOfHope]

Hi Buddy,

I can really relate. It’s really tough to get out of that fog and to move forward, especially when well-meaning people give confusing advice.
Don’t feel guilty because of your mum, this is about making decisions that are good for you right now.

I agree with Chestnut! There are lots of lovely people out there who will make you breakfast AND treat you with respect, who do nice things for you AND make you feel at ease at all times.
He’s not the only person who can give you the good things!
We don’t have to suffer through abuse to deserve what is often just the bare minimum in healthy relationships.

Also something you wrote made me think that his ‘nice actions’ could be quite manipulative. You write that you probably wouldn’t get up to make breakfast for him. My ex used to say things like ‘You wouldn’t do the same for me!’ in order to guilt trip me and make me feel like I wasn’t putting in any effort. It made me overthink everything I was supposedly doing wrong instead of focusing on the many, many abusive things he was doing on a regular basis!

[diymum@1]

Sometimes manipulative people do a nice thing because then you owe them. That’s the cognitive dissonance 🤯it’s a total mind bender until u see it clear as day. I’ve noticed people doing this since I’ve been reading a lot. So yeh he is performing tasks for you but I suppose what your really looking for is him respecting your views you as a person that’s what counts. I think ur mum means well but often the last generation we’re told to make it work stay for the kids xx I think there must have been so many people trapped ion unhappy relationships that just kept stum xx.

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy!
I hope your feeling OK?
Please stay strong and think how YOU feel, other people can be talk meaning well but just end up making you feel guilty and even more confused. If you know in your gut something feels wrong that is enough, keep talking on this forum and try not to let your mothers comments make you doubt yourself as they obviously will.
In regards to making breakfast my husband also does this now and again but what ive started thinking is so what! So have I made him breakfast! And when you think about all the horrid things it will bring you back to reality.
I think they do nice things to keep you dangling , my husband after a weekend of being horrible woke up Monday like nothing had happened!! Gave me a kiss on the cheek and I just sat in disbelief. I told myself if he waa really sorry for the things he said he would have said sorry? Or like a normal person felt remorse? But nothing just acting like nothing happened. They act all nice and buy things to keep us confused , keep us thinking maybe they are nice, with me its always “well he doesn’t do drugs or drink, or stay out all night ” or at least he doesn’t stop me wearing things etc there are always excuses for their behaviour and we need to snap ourselves out of it xx

[Eggshells]

Your OH sounds similar to my ex in so many ways.

This is not a diagnosis but it may or may not be of interest to you. (Detail removed by moderator).

It helped to explain why my ex always did nice stuff for me whilst he was abusing me at the same time.

 

 

 

 

[Buddy]

Thanks everyone .. I have been reading up on n********t but I discounted it as he holds down a job etc. Surely it would come out in other ways .. but the more I read the more I am thinking he has tendencies .. thanks eggshell .. that was really helpful and explains why he lets me have nice things etc .. this stuff is really scary and worries me about my future judgements xx

[Headspinning]

I think whilst our parents believe they have our best interests at heart, they also fear the unknown and they can be old fashioned – better the devil you know, if he’s not hitting you or cheating he’s a good man etc.

It took for my ex to verbally abuse me in front of my parents for them to finally get it. Now they are fully supportive of me. Before that I think they wound have rather see me work it out because they mainly only saw the good stuff.

Only the people living in your house really see the full picture, for others it can be hard to understand x

[Soulsearcher18]

Good to hear that you a feeling a bit stronger Buddy but it is going to be up and down, especially whilst you are in it.
I can’t remember if you have sought GP support, whether you have contacted your local Domestic abuse service and have an allocated support worker?
If you haven’t taken these steps, I’d encourage you to do so. The GP can possibly help you with how you are feeling and by reaching out to your local women’s aid, they can support you both emotionally and practically. They can reassure you of your feelings and questions and present options to you.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Buddy]

Thanks soulsearcher , I have only reached out to WA for phone chats ..I have another one today.. Not reached out to GP, I may need to if my physical stress doesn’t pass , as loosing weight with the anxiety of it all .. but hoping going back to work will take my mind off everything .. but then I worry they when back in work and busy , I will just skip back into normal life again and another couple of years will pass .. as it seems when I am working and we are like shops that pass in the night all is fine ..
a bit worried about spilling my guts to GP as once said never taken back

[Soulsearcher18]

Definitely worthwhile contacting your local DA service then so that you can hopefully get a named adviser for on-going support.
With regard to the GP, I understand completely about the worry of speaking out- I didn’t manage to do this. In hindsight, I wish I had. I would have been better prepared and supported prior to getting out and also, I would have generated much needed evidence for on the other side too. I was lucky that I had identified a supportive GP that I could have talked to, I just didn’t manage to tell them, I would definitely make sure your appointment is with a GP that you like and try different one if needed- I prefer a female GP personally. It is entirely your choice but I would encourage you to seek GP support sooner, rather than later.

Soulsearcher

[Buddy]

Thanks soulsearcher ,
Since your message I am texting a DA worker , not sure if they are local .. found the no. Online .. so just giving some background info atm ..I still keep needing validation and I hare myself for it

[Beautifulday]

hi Buddy how are you feeling today? Hope your ok . X*x

[Buddy]

Hi Beautifulday .. I am pretty much the same .. atmosphere here not wonderful .. we are just not speaking to each other !
How are you ?

[Beautifulday]

I felt strong when I spoke to WA Yesterday but all this week hes being overly nice, so I still feel muddled. I’m not falling for it though and I’m trying to remain strong its so hard. I feel pangs of guilt like maybe hes not so bad its me then I have to remind myself of all the bad things I seriously don’t know how long its going to take for me to gain strength and courage im hoping Nd praying to God it will be a moment of clarity and light bulb where I say that’s it and go straight to that solicitor to file for divorce but I don’t feel strong enough at the moment:( I feel weak im confused a mess basically xx

[Buddy]

Beautifulday .. I completley get you .. we are in the same stage/ situation .. it’s really messes with your head .. I am seeing through things a bit more .. but I think it’s going to take time
Take care x

[Weepingwillow]

Hi Buddy . My situation seems much the sane as yours . Some days my husband makes me sandwiches for work , which he reminds me about constantly and then says I treat him like a slave .
My mom (no longer with us) told me all marriages have bad times and to work on things many times
My head is so messed up, it’s like i live with 2 differnt men . Sometimes I see the nice side of him
, but that seems not to last very long before the shouting and criticism starts 😢

[Buddy]

Hi weeping willow , it’s so strange isn’t it .. at the moment I am being told he does everything and I do nothing.. and how I am lazy , thing is I keep up with everything around the house etc normally , but when he starts on me and throws stuff I go into myself , so yes, I have been doing the basics .. explained this to him but he doesn’t see it ..
also he wants to take over everything , earlier he said I am going shopping and I said I am get ready to go and do it ..
I then had a flash back and realised , he does what he wants to do , and then throws it in my face in an argument about all he does .. it’s odd

[Anonymous]

No, not really odd. He’s playing you, manipulating you. Keeping you spinning round and round in crazymaking circles. It’s what they do. It’s a control tactic. You are prey. You’re never going to do anything right enough with this man. He will use you up until nothing is left. At some point we just have to say – Enough now. I don’t care what you think about it, don’t care if you like it or you don’t because guess what idiot? I matter!!! All this time I have mattered. Last time I checked you didn’t buy me on a slave dock somewhere and your title isn’t “Owner” soooo, if I don’t like being treated like dirt, I don’t like it. Have every right to say so and to do something about it.

He will escalate with what he is doing to you. It won’t stop. He will grind you into powder and it has absolutely nothing to do with – you – and everything about who he really really “is”. If it wasn’t you it would be someone else. We can’t keep giving excuses and normalizing their behavior and all that because it just wastes precious time of our already short lives. Remember – we teach people how to treat us by what we allow.

[Buddy]

Yes Braelynn I see it ..
Today he has been working from home and it is hard work with (removed by moderator) dogs and (removed by moderator) children he is shouting as there is too much noise ( removed by moderator)) told him loads of times to do his conference call downstairs ..
everyone is on eggshells , the kids are saying we need to get the dogs out the back as dad doing a call .. then he flipped as the children started arguing in the other room ..
it’s funny because his colleagues put the call on hold and say sorry , my child is screaming a minute .. but he is t prepared to do this he shouts at us instead !
Everybody knows we are in a pandemic and it’s difficult working from home ..
funny as my daughter who isn’t a teenager yet .. told him straight ..

[Buddy]

To do his call upstairs meant to say not downstairs

[Author]

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