Conflicting Thoughts & Feelings

[PaintingByNumbers]

I had to drop some stuff off with my ex the other day (I kicked him out and still have most of his stuff).

I left it on the doorstep, rang the bell and went back to my car to drive away but he was quick and I saw him come out of the door.

The second I saw him I wanted to run over and hug him, to kiss him, to tell him I love him and that I’m sorry I’ve hurt him. I know I can’t do this – I know I need to stay strong, I know he isn’t good for me, but the feelings won’t budge 😞

I am missing his cuddles, coming home to hot water bottles ready for me in the bed, his smile, the safety I felt with him when it was us against the world…but I also know there was anger and I was treading on eggshells, that I acted a certain way to please and calm him, that I didn’t feel safe from him.

I’m also doubting myself – for years I have relied on him emotionally and in some respects practically – he did a lot of cleaning around the house and was really good at comforting me when I was struggling in my head. He would tell me I was lazy and couldn’t cope without him and now he’s gone and the kitchen is a mess and I’m too overwhelmed to deal with it and I feel like he was right and I can’t do it on my
Own, but then a part of me knows I can…it’s just so confusing, all these opposite thoughts and feelings but at the same time!

Has anyone else been through this? Was there anything that helped? I can’t bear much more of this!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have.
Definitely.

The first bit – smack bang in middle of horrendous divorce I saw him arrive at venue and from across the street I had what can only be described as a wave of empathy, pity, love, longing…mixture of those…

..I was shocked at myself and didn’t know what to do so I phoned a friend and told them how I was feeling and asked them to remind me of all the awful things he had done. They did. And the feeling went away and the resolve came back.

Second occasion which relates to what you were saying. I had a relationship after that which I entered really because i felt vulnerable as a single parent. Person concerned were very good at coming round and helping me clean my kitchen. Nothing against a man who does that and at the time it helped, but they held it against me and I realised afterwards like you that it wasn’t a mutually cooperative thing, or a gift freely given as it were…they wanted me to become dependent on them.

I had an inner struggle going on with that one. In a way it was a necessary struggle for me – as I didn’t become dependent – but I noticed that every time I wanted to do things in my own way, it created a conflict. So I left them eventually and didn’t go back.

I feel it is really awful the way (mostly men) offer to help single mothers in particular and on some level know that they are wanting to create dependence (usually in return for sex although it is not always so obvious, at its’ best in return for companionship). I once met a man in a restaurant who wanted to start up a relationship because he needed someone to cut his toenails…yes honestly…needless to say I didn’t take him up on the offer.

Sorry to be so blatant about it but at least I can write that down here so clearly now, I couldn’t at the time.

I try to see it as a transitional phase. Not everythign about that second relationship was bad at all, but I’ve changed now, if I stand in front of a hurdle or something I feel I can’t do, I would rather learn to do it myself (I’ve learned lots of things) rather than rely on someone I feel will trow it back in my face afterwards. Or contact an organisation for help or advice.

I do wish places of worship would understand how a single parent might need help. Mine, who I was with for years, just didnt’. Didn’t get that thing of standing in front of a mountain of things as a single parent n*d just wanting someone to do a bit, even make you a cup of tea! Needless to say I resigned.

I’m very clear now that it is sometimes lonely being in the place I am in, but I would rather have that ‘loneliness’ than a dysfunctional ‘helper’.

Hope those comments help. I try to see it as phases I am passing through.

[Anonymous]

Hope I’m not going too much off thread.

Another thing though is the difficulty in making decisions which I experience even now.

I seem to spend ages and ages weighing things up. Most recently – and just an example – I finally have some money to get a dining table (pretty basic for a family home isn’t it?) but I’ve spent months trying to decide on the purchase. And thoughts go along the lines of ‘well, is it worth it, you may not be in this place for ever…’

I guess it partly comes from having been really at ground zero when we came here i.e. no carpets on the floor second hand furniture etc.

But I think there is another element to it as well.

And there is a weird feeling of liberation about it as well. Kind of = well we have survived without so many things do we really need it?

But when I think there is the possibility of poeple sitting and laughing together around that table…that is something else.

So this post hopefully connects with conflicting feelings. we all have them, I’m sure. Though women having been on this journey have a particular type of them, I think. It is kind of specific to our history.

[Anonymous]

A woman I knew who had left told me the thing she missed most about her previous place was her nice set of pans that she had bought.

[PaintingByNumbers]

Thank you all – everything you’ve shared makes me feel less alone.I really get the decision thing – I’ve spent so long making decisions based on what will keep him calm or please him, that it’s hard to make decisions for myself😞

@Starting Over Again – I have a list of things he did that I’ve written down but unfortunately when I go to it, I dismiss it all, tell myself I’m imagining it…I know it’s the result of years of gaslighting, but still feels like I’m making it up because my pity for him is stronger than my respect for myself…hopefully that will change!

[Electrolyte]

PaintingByNumbers

What you describe is so brave. I’m sorry these conflicting feeling are distressing. After years I still get these awful confusing feelings about what happened to me at the hands of my abuser and indeed, for the abuser themselves. They often give me a deep sense of shame and confusion.

When I feel this way, I take the time to reflect back on the things I would never have achieved if I had stayed, and list specific examples of things that happened that I just simply would tolerate from no one now. I also take the time to be a little kinder to myself, like you, I experienced gaslighting during the course of the relationship and it sometimes helps to remind myself that not all of the feelings and emotions I was experiencing were authentically my own. And therefore remind myself now still that these feelings and emotions I am experiencing are not authentically my own.

It is a journey, and with the loss of any relationship, it is a form of grief in and of itself: some days will be better than others but you deserve those good days.

Take care x

[KIP.]

“was really good at comforting me when I was struggling in my head”
That’s what they do, they cause this discomfort then act as our saviour. It’s psychological abuse. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? Both good books to help you understand x

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Yes, i do and feel the same. I miss him so much. I love him so much at the samw time knowing i cant be with him.

I also try ans read old texts, emails to remind me but like you said my brain tells gives me excuses of why he said and did those things to me. Again like you said after been gas lighted and manipulated for so long.

I am currently doing ‘no contact’. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. I am hopeful I will stick to it. I want a family with children and that is what is driving me so far because if I did that with him I would live in constant fear and dread.

Thankyou for your post.

[Author]

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