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So after seeing a social worker we have a basic plan of action.
I will tell him (detail removed by Moderator).
I have a meeting with my IDVA on (detail removed by Moderator) to run through my safety plan when I talk to him but to be honest I’m terrified. He’s never hit us but he’s raised fists and there’s holes in the walls and doors. He’s aggressive and he has a history of violence against women (which he openly and arrogantly tells me)
I’m having visions of him strangling me and beating me, or lashing out at our toddler and I’m so anxious. But I’d feel awful if I didn’t give him every opportunity to improve his behaviour so he can have a relationship with our child and the one on the way. I guess everything’s up to him now -
Hi, this must be a really tough time for you, but honestly this seems strange to me that you would confront a dangerous man in person like this?
We are always advised to never confront abusers & leave without them knowing as this is the most dangerous time for a women.
Can you not leave and be in a safe place and give him those options over email?
Know that him saying he will comply is different to him actually complying and doing carrying out your terms. Abusers will do anything to keep their control over us.
I left my abuser in secrete and emailed him I had left, later blocking him(i had no children with him so i know it’s a different case) i hated myself for that for a while, but it was my only choice and now i know i did the right thing, i was terrified of telling him and knew he would never let me go..
be very careful.
If he’s been physical before then now may be the time he is physical with you
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Hi Rainbowdream
If I’ve understood correctly and your IDVA is advocating that you confront him then I’m afraid I need to suggest that you get a 2nd opinion. Please speak to Women’s Aid.
My first outreach worker had no idea what she was doing. Not all IDVAs are good.
Your gut instinct seems to be warning you against confronting him. Please listen to that.
I understand that you want to give him a chance but please prioritise your safety above his 2nd chance.
I’m wondering if you feel that you need to give him a 2nd chance for your benefit or his. Sometimes we can’t let go of the hope that they will change.
Please consider the facts before you. He has a history of violence against women and he has openly let you know that. He has told you that as an implicit threat. He wants you to know that he can and will hurt you if you don’t comply.
He’s had a 2nd chance. With every new partner he has had a fresh start and a chance to change his behaviour. He has not taken those chances and by threatening you with his violent past he is making it very clear that he has no desire whatsoever to change. By confronting him, you will be exhibiting the behaviour that he has threatened you against.
If he hurts you, he will blame you and you will take that blame. If he hurts your toddler, you will never, ever forgive yourself – even though it’s not your fault; please trust me on that.
Please don’t confront him honey. I honestly can’t imagine that he has given you any sign that he is likely to change for the better. You need to get yourself and your toddler out of there before he seriously harms one of you.
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Thankyou for your response, I spoke to womans aid on the chat and they suggested I really raise my anxiety with my idva on Tuesday. I’ve only ever really expressed my fear about sharing a bed with him and not my fear of violence.
I understand what you’re saying, a large part of it probably is for my own benefit. But I can say to myself and my children that 100% this was daddy’s choice. I don’t want to feel guilty for potentially destroying a relationship that’s gonna have a huge impact on the kids without knowing I did everything I could to make it work.
I guess I’ll see what my idva has to say.
We didn’t have a good night last night with him drinking and him being pushy in the bedroom again so he’s stepping up his behaviour again
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Trust your gut. It is screaming danger at you for you and your child. Talk to your IDVA again but I think you need to go in secret . I have absolutely no idea what good can come out of confronting him all I see is risk. Trust you first you are the expert of your situation. You have come so far in such short time. Keep moving forwards safely x
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Thankyou, I will speak to her an express my fear and anxiety I a bit more and hopefully come up with something where I don’t feel so anxious.
I don’t know why, but I don’t feel like I can just leave with no warning or without justification. I feel ridiculous still. Whereas if he doesn’t accept what professionals are saying or at least willing to attempt to learn how to behave better then I feel like I’m justified in leaving.
Thankyou, it feels like it’s been a whirlwind but I’ve since noticed how it started right from the beginning but I never noticed xx
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From all that I read before I left, most of the advice was not to confront them as it can be seriously dangerous for you. I regret giving mine the heads up as I did suffer consequences from that. So please if you are concerned and it sounds like you are, don’t risk it.
Like the others have said, seek a second opinion.
Stay safe xx -
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Just have to add, my mum stayed with an abusive man and I ended up with so so many problems and still have in adulthood, my sister still has ptsd and illnesses due to my fathers behavior. He wasn’t as bad as most abusive men… but wow he left a mark on us.. which i am still suffering from, i ofcourse end up with dangerous men like my father, so does my sister. You can End a multi generational pattern xx
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Yeah thankyou, I think I now realise that my step dad passed away there was elements of abuse in our household. Aswell as a terrible relationship with my dad essentially didn’t give a c**p about me. Which I think shows in my partners emotional and psychological abuse and i was sexually abused as a kid too and have had so many issues since of being taken advantage of without me even really knowing which explains why I tolerate so much of that from him.
After a horrible weekend of again putting our toddler in danger and again forcing me to do things in the bedroom I think it’s just switched something in my brain now and I’m done. It shouldn’t be too much to ask for my toddler to be safe in his own house with his own dad while I’m at work! -
I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Truly you do not, nor your kids deserve this.
I just wanted to add that about my childhood because you wrote before: ‘I don’t want to feel guilty for potentially destroying a relationship that’s gonna have a huge impact on the kids without knowing I did everything I could to make it work.’
Because staying with this man is very damanging for all of you. Taking your kids to a safe place is what will give them the best chance in life. You will all benifit from a safe and healthy living environment. Don’t underestimate the effects this is having on them and the joy that can be found once you are away from the abuser.
x*x
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I echo as said above, I have only ever been advised to not inform the abusive partner especially about leaving as this is statistically the most dangerous time. Please seek a 2nd opinion or as you habe said express your anxieties to ypur IDVA. I have had some amazing help along my journey and some really useless/harmful advice from professionals, so my understanding it is a minefield so trust your gut ❤❤
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