19th January 2019 at 8:49 am #70962
Hi just need advice
I’ve only recently realised that I’ve been manipulated and emotionally abused almost all of my married life. I pay so the bills such as mortgage car insurance (his inluded etc). We both work full time. However when the children were young I worked part time. We never travel as he always has an excuse not too… so during school holidays I would have special days for me and the children he would very rarely come. Apparently couldn’t get time of work !! He used to drink very heavily and whenever I confronted him he’d get angry shout throw things and threaten to leave me and I’d always ending up apologetic and begging him to stay.
I have suspected him of cheating but could never prove it. In the last (detail removed by Moderator) years I’ve almost thought this is it this is my life! We wouldn’t go out together donthings as a couple any manual jobs round the house I did them …sure I like doing all that ..was his response. I started a new job where opportunities were opening up for me and became friendly with another man it was genuine friendship . I could talk to him but I told him I loved my husband and nothing would happen…I was flattered my his attention.
(detail removed by Moderator) I told my husband thug man tried to kiss me because I did believe at that point we’d both come to the conclusion the marriage wasnt working. But he changed he got angry shouted I’ve always been fearful off him and never really spoke to him about stuff I thought would upset him.. he heft and then came back after he decided too.!
Things escalated he would follow me ting me to check up on me. I started seeing a counsellor and she suggested I wrote a letter to him and give it to him. I knew the time want right so I hid it (detail removed by Moderator) but (detail removed by Moderator) he was drinking I was in bed and he storms in saying do I know I’ve broke him he grabbed me by the throat tried dragging me out of bed I was begging him to stop not to ruin Christmas forvthe kids. The next few days were a blur really he stayed and played happy families until he did it again after drinking again. This time I told him he never get the chance to hurt me agin he got angry how dare I threaten him
How dare I give him ultimatums. In (detail removed by Moderator) very calmly after dinner he left.. he says he needs time to sort his head out that he’s hurting so much. The kids and me are happier and I can relax in my own home . But he’s started ringing me and texting me asking if I’m ok? That he knows he’s overstepped the mark he’s sorry … he loved me and the kids and he’s miserable eihhjout is. I told him we need to talk but he says he can’t his head isn’t I a good place I’ve hurt him and he needs time!!! Why do I feel guilty why am I worried about him? I know I’m happier without him and are the kids
19th January 2019 at 9:19 am #70963LifeisbeautifulParticipant
This is classic emotional abuse and manipulation! Sounds like my husband to a t! He never physically hurt me but would threaten it, he also would say things such as ‘he is hurting’ ‘confused’ etc or threaten to commit suicide, that I did not care. This is all done to real you in and to make you feel guilty, then when that part of done they will say it is your fault! These men never take responsibility for their actions can never see what they do is wrong! Please do not let this man back into your home, it is abuse. Big hugs to you and your beautiful children x
19th January 2019 at 9:54 am #70965
He cries and tells me he knows he’s done irreparable damage. That I’m an amazing mother and woman that he misses us. I know I’m happier without him. My son even says it’s better ….less tension and he’s just a child! I know he won’t change but yet I feel he’s reeling me in but What if he means it?
19th January 2019 at 10:51 am #70966IwantmebackParticipant
Hi lmc, I wish my oh left me like yours had, it would make life so much easier. Unfortunately, your husband is ramping up the ‘love bombing’ stage, if you take him back everyone of us can guarantee things will get worse. In his head, he’s done the worst thing to you, you take him back, and he’ll think, stupid b..ch, i can do it at what i like and she’ll roll over and take it. Sorry to be so blunt but it’s all about having power over you. Have you read ‘
living with the dominater’ by pat craven, it explains so much in a very easy way. Look up trauma bonding and FOG, that’ll help why you feel so bad even though hes hurt you beyond compare. You say you and the kids are happier now he’s gone, please don’t jeopardise it, there is NO happy ever after with these men😔 I’ve been with my oh fir decades, I find leaving the hardest thing to do, I have plans in place yet an so unsure if I’ll ever be strong enough to leave. If he left me cos his head was all over the place, I’d hurt him (He’s using that kiss you got as an excuse to be the victim in all this, to justify his behaviour, forgetting what hes done to you in the process), I wouldn’t want him back at all. I’m dreaming of my own place more and more now, most nights. Keep posting reading others posts, knowledge is power as they say.
Take care, it’s a lot to take in when we finally have that moment when his behaviour now makes sense. It’s like a death in the family, the emotions we go through have been likened to those we feel when a loved one dies.
19th January 2019 at 8:46 pm #70988EbonyRavenParticipant
He’s missing his home comforts, and his easily accessible supply. He’s sorry you have woken up to his abuse and manipulation.
If your children are happier, and you are happier too, you’re in the right place now, without his abuse and presence.
Change the locks and embrace the calm with your children. x
21st January 2019 at 7:42 pm #71105
He came up to the house He says he knows there’s nothing he can do becauee of the irreparable damage but he thought there was a chance! I’ll I said I can’t do it anymore …and he said very calmly but you scouts see he was upset so you’re telling me there’s no chance. I said the kids are happier this way and they don’t deserve to see the fighting. He was crying and said there’s always only been you will only be you. I said I’ll always love and care for you and he said I don’t mothering. He then brought up the man that’s kissed me and says have you been in contact with him and I said No I haven’t !! He says is this his life his mums? He said my life as always just you and the Kids but obviously I didn’t do enough….so you’re making the right decision and I understand…then he said we’re making the right decision. I feel absolutely awful..am I a b***h ??
21st January 2019 at 9:52 pm #71115IwantmebackParticipant
You’re not a b***h, I promise you you’re not💞 he’s being nicer, then he’s not. It’s still just mindgames, isn’t it😪
He’ll always use that kiss to keep you in line, won’t he? he’s wanting you to feel sorry and guilty, in order to get you to take him back. He’s out, if he proves he can change over a period of time, maybe you could look at having another go. But they don’t ever change. My daughter is hoping not being around her ex on a daily basis will make him see sense and that they might get together in the future. I can’t see him ever changing. His dad abused his mum, he’s learned how to treat women by those who were supposed to love him the most.
I’m reading a book about boundaries and our basic human rights, values that these men dont see as important to anyone other than themselves. You know his techniques at manipulation, verbally abusing, learn to trust your gut instinct now, you are worth putting these boundaries in place. It’s early days my friend, good luck💕
21st January 2019 at 10:09 pm #71116
I know for me and my kids this is the best decision but it still makes it hard because deep down I want to believe he will change. I want to believe we can still have and be that happy family and couple. But i can’t tsk the chance anymore! I can’t risk him being physical abusive again and even though he regrets it how can I be sure it won’t happen again? It’s just hard because I do love him an when I hear he loves me it’s hard to let go !! So very hard but I have to do what’s right for my children and they seem happier x
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