Confused

[Dragon]

So I am confused about whether or not this constitutes abuse of any kind. There are a few issues with my partner and I. I will list them to try and keep this short:

He is quite critical of my best friends/family and when it comes to seeing them there always seems to be some kind of issue.

He gives me a small amount of money each month but I don’t have any say in what we spend the rest of our money on. There have been other money issues but I will leave it there for now.

When I cry, quite often he doesn’t comfort me or ask if I am ok.

He specifies boundaries of what I can talk to my friends about, says I have to tell him.

He rarely apologises or takes responsibility for things that he does to upset me so I find it difficult to move past these issues.

Some of it just feels uncomfortable, I don’t feel unsafe but I think I worry about modeling behaviour to the kids the most.

Am I over reacting?

Thank you.

[Fudgecake]

You’re not over reacting. He sounds very controlling. Listen to your gut instinct.
The fact your partner actions make you feel uncomfortable is a red flag. Also you should have equal say with how your money is spent.
Controlling partners tend to take the attitude “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.” And you also are a possession to them to be used how they see fit.
I’d watch his actions closely from now on. Keep posting on the forum and talk to WA because these controlling partners can make you feel like you’re going crazy. You’re not.

[Dragon]

I definitely recognise the ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own’ thing. He can be very possessive of his own things. Thanks for responding. I do feel like I’m going crazy sometimes.

[BeautyMarked]

You are not overreacting. Some of this is already abusive and has the potential to escalate. You’ve raised 5 points that you are concerned about:

Your first concern about criticism towards your friends/family could be the start of ISOLATION. This is important for abusers. The more isolated you are from others the more they are able to get away with abuse as it will be secret and undetectable. Getting you to increasingly depend on them also means it will be easier for them to control and gaslight you (make you feel at fault, that there’s a problem with you and your recollections etc). I would suggest this is a red flag.

Controlling your finances is coercive control. This is a crime and also an attempt to isolate you.

The lack of empathy is concerning. This is not the way a ‘normal’ person would behave. If you see someone in distress you would want to help, wouldn’t you? Especially a loved one. It’s emotionally abusive to show you no care when you are already upset. It just compounds the issue.

Controlling your interactions and insisting on telling him everything is coercive control.

Lack of accountability. That old chestnut. This is a real common theme in all abusive relationships as far as I can tell. Huge red flag for so many reasons. It’s not healthy to avoid talking about an issue and acknowledge where you may have made mistakes. I know I’m always open about my shortcomings and I’m sure you are too. We take a healthy amount of responsibility and look to talk and work through things. That’s the healthy and mature way to do things. People who can’t do that are a concern. They will never admit fault and the more wrongs they do and the more wrongs they cannot own up to, the more they will feel entitled to commit more. They start to believe perhaps they they are right and you are wrong. Maybe they even know they are wrong but that you will eventually grow tired of challenging it and succumb to the ‘it actually is my fault’ mindset which is so dangerous and insidious.

I’m not an expert, but I’ve done a lot of soul searching and a lot of research and reading. These people show us who they are and you are recognising things are uncomfortable. That’s a sign in itself. Trust your gut as abuse escalates and it’s a blessing to be able to recognise it before we get to a point where we are feeling or are actually unsafe. I understand your concerns about modelling behaviours to your children and that is justifiable.

[Anonymous]

hi dragon. if you read some of my posts i have experienced the same things. money was one issue he would give me a set amount each month i had to pay the rest i earned half what he does. i ended up getting a second job to make ends meet. there was never any comfort compassion or support when i got upset 99.9% of the time it was him making me cry. he never once apologized for his behaviour. i lost my best friend because of him. i began to doubt if it was me who was thr problem. its called control living off you taking you for granted

[Dragon]

That sounds very similar, I earn less than a third of that he earns, probably more like a sixth. Where can I find your posts? Would be interested to read. Thank you so much for responding and hope you’re ok.

[Author]

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