Confused

[Round2]

My ex got back in touch in after a long time. We hadn’t spoken at all, and the last time we had was on the phone when I had finally told people he had been hitting me and it was reported to the police.
In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t that bad. A kick, a punch, a slap, hair pulling. He choked me once. The police gave him a caution.

He messaged me to apologise, to say he knew he had done wrong and wanted to make amends. I was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed to meet him just for a hug and to say goodbye. It is now October and we are still talking and have had huge fights where he has gotten physically violent with me several times. He has punched me in the side of the head, smashed my phone against my face and twisted my arms until my shoulders hurt.He has choked me (detail removed by moderator), once to the point I couldn’t breathe. We have also somehow got in to the pattern of me giving him money when he is short and I think I do it to try and stop arguments or keep things smooth.

He says that because I lie I have brought it on myself, I don’t listen. I ignore what he says even when he has told me directly or given me hints (I still don’t see that he has if I’m honest). He has tried to kill himself (detail removed by moderator) when I’ve said I want to leave, and has made very worrying threats towards my family members and my job. I haven’t seen any of my own friends since (detail removed by moderator), and he has started arguments (or he says I think he has, but it’s actually me) almost every night I have gone out with friends and both times I was on holiday abroad. He says I am free to do as I please but I am always left feeling guilty if I do not see him when he has something going wrong – which seems to be fairly often. When things are ok he is very good and we are able to laugh and joke, but I am sometimes cautious of what I say incase I make it go bad.

I don’t know if it is abuse, or if I have brought it on myself this time again. He has told me the whole problem is I am lying to myself and I am in love with him and because I am fighting it it’s causing me issues in my head. Is he right, or am I falling in to the same pattern as (detail removed by moderator)ago all over again? Even the times he had told me I am free to go it hasn’t felt like it, and I am scared to block him in case he doesn’t mean it.

I don’t feel I can talk to anybody without there being very serious repercussions because of the threats and other things he has told me. I also know that people will be so disappointed with me. What do I do?G

 

 

 

[HopeLifeJoy]

Darling Round2

I am really sorry you are entering a second round of abuse. Abusers are such charmers and manipulators, he wasn’t trying to make amends when contacting you anew, he was charming you back in for more abuse. Abusers are liars, they lie with every uttered word. That’s why it is best not to believe them, once the trust is broken, let it be broken in order to protect you. Going No Contact keeps this protection in place, there is no way back in. I know it is difficult to do, especially after a long time, you’d think they changed but they never do.

What you do now honey is picking up the phone and call the helpline and ask for advice on how to exit this relationship safely. I can hear you are frightened, so the best thing you can do is to call for support.
If you are in immediate danger you call the police okay. Do not hesitate.
Your friends and family who supported you might be a little angry at first, let them steam off, then they should be supportive of you and they will understand, we are all humans and vulnerable to charming words, who knows what they would have done in your stead, they might have been seduced back into the relationship as well.

For now honey, just call the helpline.
Keep safe and keep posting 💕

[Round2]

I’ve tried to call the helpline so many times and can never ever get through.
I’ve thought about the police but it’d make it all so much worse.

I make it all worse and I just want to leave but I can’t. He has hurt me worse since, and made new threats about my job and people I work with. I can’t ever get away even when he says I can he then says he is alone and always will be. He uses emotion. He owes me money and when I bring it up it starts a fight. I can’t win.

[Lisa]

Hi Round2,

I just wanted to show you some support here; I’m really sorry to hear about everything you’ve been going through. I’m also sorry to hear you’ve not been able to get through to the Helpline. If you wanted to speak to a worker from Women’s Aid to discuss anything in a bit more detail you could contact someone via the live chat (currently open 10am – 12pm Monday – Friday): https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

You will also have some options without going to the police of you don’t want to do this. If you wanted to have a chat about potentially getting and injunction you could speak to DV Assist (a specialist injunctions service) on 0800 195 8699.

You could also get in touch with your local domestic abuse service- they should be able to meet up with you in secret and give you some face to face support. If you decided to go to the police at any point they should also be able to give you some advocacy with this. You can search for them here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Please do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Round2]

It all got a little much and I just cut contact.

I know I am vulnerable right now, and am battling a lot of emotions. I need to think about the ways forward, and not feel guilty about cutting contact.

Thank you for the different options, I am going to look in to them and see what other support there is available to me.

Hopefully, the only way is up from here…

[Author]

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