Confused !

[Angels wings]

Hi everyone I’m new. I have been in a long relationship/marriage and have 3 children 1 with special needs and the other two wIting for diagnosis. I basically do everything in the house cook, clean sort bills, home educate one child, shop, o attend all of the school meetings alone and medical appointments on my own, my husband asks how was your day at school but doesn’t have a clue about any of their achievements or struggles. He doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to find out about my children’s medical needs or neurological needs. He goes to work and does DIY. When the problem is, he throws it in our faces constantly, saying that doesn’t cost you anything does it, your not the one who had to work for that, last night he told me I get my own way with everything, meaning getting our dog and also jobs which need doing around our house DIT etc. He uses jokes to put us down all the time too. Calls names in a jokey way. He says my parenting is too soft that the children have no respect for me. They do but with special needs meltdowns can be frequent and sibling rivalry. His answer is to threaten to hit etc which he doesn’t do, nothing is physical, but the grumpy bad moods and silent treatment and digs make life strained and stressful. If we go anywhere things have to be planned and a certain way eating at certain times returning home at certain times. There’s no freedom no laughs or genuine conversation unless it’s superficial about to or things that we need to do or about his family. The thing is I feel trapped. I’m scared about coping on my own and not being financially stable, losing our home and not being in a position to work considering my children’s needs. I’ve got no confidence left. I feel an emotional wreck when things are happy it’s when I’m trying to keep things running smooth. I don’t want sex anymore I have no interest at all and this is a constant argument, he says if I keep him happy that way he’s happy and that I can have what I want and his mood will be good. When I distance myself in this way it’s when there’s a decline in how happy the house is. Bad moods grumpiness. I honestly don’t know what a normal relationship should be like. My children notice they are starting to ask why sometimes things are ok then other times not ok. They comment about the mood in the house and lack of freedom to enjoy ourselves. He says we need to go to more places have more fun etc but it always ends in an argument when we are out. The children can be challenging but he blames me. Or he makes nasty comments and then in the next breath is all sweet and nice to the children or trying to make things up with me. He had counselling just over a year ago but things seem to be declining again. He doesn’t shout and isn’t violent, it’s just chipping away, he admits he’s grumpy but says he’s stressed and tired from work. I crave laughing again, feeling calm and happy not like in walking on eggshells. I worry about the children coping of we split and like I mentioned the financial side. Am I being over sensitive ? Is this just how it is but in not coping like everyone else does, or can anyone else relate? Sorry I’ve rambled this is only brief believe it or not lol. Thanks for reading and hopefully for some rise words x

[Angels wings]

Sorry a few spelling mistakes I hope it makes sense I type too fast 🙂

[Serenity]

Angel Wings,

Oh my goodness, it was as if you were describing my marriage!

Walking on eggshells, him leaving me to do 99.9% of everything, him begrudging doing anything for us and, when he did, throwing it back in our faces.

He also showed no interest in our kids’ achievements, in fact he went as far as to try to sabotage my eldest’s achievements ( of course, when Cafcass were surveying him, he suddenly feigned interest in their school life ).

These abusers seem to have issues around pets: either they hate our pets, or they get a pet and are overly-controlling of it. My ex hated my cats, and stole my dog.

Days out became unbearable, due to his inflexibility about what we should do, where we should go, how far we should walk ( he led a punishing physical regime!) and how little we should spend. There was no relaxed laughter or kindness, just bullying and irascible moods. In the end, I didn’t want to go out with him at all at weekends- it was a horrible experience. He denied us joy, and was overly friendly to passers-by.

He too called me names in a ‘jokey’ way, and eventually this became slapping and pinching me in a ‘jokey’ way, yet which was too hard and painful to be a joke.

He never apologised for any of it – only blamed me for not wanting him to touch me, in the end. why would I want such an unkind man to touch me?

You aren’t being oversensitive. My ex used to boast that he ‘hadn’t beaten me up, so therefore wasn’t an abuser’ but mental and emotional abuse is as damaging.

I was also a victim of his extreme financial abuse and, to let you know, after he left in a threat one day, I decided to divorce him. I had to go through loads of abuse and the court system, but I have come out the other side and am about 50% healed, I would say, and getting better.

There is help out there. Call Women’s Aid helpline for a chat – they will be able to contextualise your experience and direct you to local support.

[Angels wings]

Thanks serenity you described it perfectly.
It’s the constant criticism in an underhand way. For some reason I can’t seem to put it into words. A couple of weeks ago he said to my (detail removed by Moderator) year old stop or I will hit you with my belt, I said don’t you dare say that to him! I knew he’d never do it but my little one didn’t. He then didn’t speak to me all weekend unless it was nasty digs. The following weekend we were supposed to be having a nice weekend away, he started shouting at me in the car because the laptop wouldn’t play DVDs and I was the one who downloaded something to enable it to, he shouted at me for that and then for trying to find say nav info so we were going to the right place saying I should’ve done that already, he’d literally done nothing, I’d booked the hol I’d packed is shopped I drove there etc etc. This all sounds petty but being told you are wrong all the time is hard, living with someone who’s grumpy unless it goes their way is hard. Surely I shouldn’t be the only one doing everything for my children. Saying are you stupid or special is wrong especially to a child with special needs. I don’t have any family support anymore they all hate him, my mother is difficult herself but they all saw how he was to me. Friends don’t come over much anymore only when he’s out. I’m sure it’s because I was always the butt of his jokes. N**********c is how I describe it, not extreme but still very difficult to deal with.
When I was pregnant he didn’t get involved when I was in labour he sulked the third time he was angry with me for having got pregnant so when it came to the c section when I was on deaths door because of illness he showed he was angry with me didn’t hold the baby etc, he didn’t change nappies and didn’t care if I struggled or was in pain, I was in tears once in agony and struggling to feed o said I felt useless his answer was you are ! Then things get better again for a while I think it’s all ok then something else triggers it. It got better after counselling but like o said a decline recently and I think I’m just in the frame of mind where I recognise it and don’t want it anymore. I want happiness yet I’m scared to do anything.
It’s not me he threatens to hit it’s the children. Yes they need discipline but not through fear.
Verbal can be as harmful as physical mentally. If o wrote everything it would take hours. These are just rxamples. It’s nice to be understood serenity thank you 🙂

[Angels wings]

Healthyarchive I understand what you mean about the housework, I wouldn’t mind so much but I struggle to keep up with 5 people and practically zero help. It’s like he doesn’t care and then the fact in not working is used against me. When I was working it was never classed as work as if it wasn’t important because it wasn’t full time or guaranteed. Plus I was working aswel as juggling everything else. I’ve explained the other things a bit in my other reply. Both yours and serenity have been through it too by the sounds of it x

[Angels wings]

Thank you had lighting is awful. I often find that something happens and I swear it’s happened one way but he says not. I went to a few freedom programme meetings but due to home educating I’m unable to go. I just need to clear my head. I’ve stated making notes so that when I feel confused o have something definite to go back to. I think if you are brave enough to be out of a situation staying out is for the best. I often think if I didn’t have the children to consider I wouldn’t be here now. I also used to be a confident independent women always laughing and enjoying life. I need to find that person again x

[Ayanna]

Sorry that you have such a hard life. Your husband abuses you emotionally to the least. If he forces you to have sex with him then it is sexual abuse too. No wonder you go off him with so much stress with the kids and all the work and organizing for their needs and his infantile behavior on top of everything.
Do you have the right support for your kids? Alone this can be such a challenge. He is horrible not to support you with this.
Housework is hard work. And you do home schooling too. You are amazing!
Three kids with special needs will not allow you to work. For this we have the benefit system.
You need to get in touch with WA and social services.
You should not have to put up with this man.
You can also call Rights of Women. He actually must give you a percentage of his salary when you are at home looking after the kids. Rights of Women knows all about this.
Have a good thought whether you see a future with this man or not. You do not have to stay with him. x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Angels Wings – just wanted to say hi – and tell you so much of what you went through , I have gone through too. It brought it all back every word you wrote was how we live too.

I too did almost all the housework, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the washing, all the ironing, saw to all the bills, saw to all things connected with the kids school, eg meetings, parents nights, concerts, sports days. I took the kids to the doctors, and dentists, and all because I “wasn’t working” – for you see I was self employed and worked from home, so I worked during school hours and I was always there for the kids before and after school, always there for them all holidays, always there for them if they were ill, so I worked around my kids needs, working as and when I could.

I never made a huge amount, as I worked on a very small scale, but what I made suplimented what he tooin and helped us be able to afford holidays (nothing fancy, never been abroad, but it took us to visit family, or possibly a week in a cottage by the sea) it was our one treat in the year- and we couldn’t have afforded that if I hadn’t worked – but the fact I didn’t go OUT to work meant in his eyes, that I didn’t work.

Mind you he found my money box very handy, he was always ‘dipping in to it’ when he wanted money, which used to make me mad, if he kept dipping in, we never saved up, then he’d moan at me if I “hadn’t made enough”.

So because he considered I ‘didn’t work’ then all of the housework was left to me, as well as seeing to everything for the kids schooling, and if he did one little thing to help, eg wash the dishes, he’d come through and announce ” I’ve washed the dishes for you ” and then expect thanks and praise for what he’d done – where as Id done everything else, and received NO thanks for what I did.

I know just how you feel living constantly with his moods, so grumpy all the time, whatever I did was wrong. If things didn’t go his way, and he didn’t get what he wanted, then we’d have his temper tantrums, then followed by the silent treatment, for DAYS on end.
We used to dread weekends and having him home all the time, there was always rows over something, always tension in the air, such an unhappy atmosphere to live in, not good for kids growing up in those conditions.

The tension and atmosphere. Moods and tantrums, were all mainly caused by him not getting enough sex – it became a major issue in our marriage, and the more he pushed for it, and the more he forced me, the further away from him I went.
He sexually abused me for years – if you read some of my other posts, and replies – you will see how we lived for the teens of years, and what he did.

If I managed to make myself let him do it, then the mood in the house was entirely different, it could be OK, if I kept him happy with sex as and when he wanted it, we were fine and he treated me and the kids better.
Unfortunately the more he forced me the less I wanted it, and so to end up with I could not bare him touching me in any way, I couldn’t even talk to him or look at him, things are so bad in the end, I KNOW I stayed WAY too long – I should have got out years earlier than I did, but I was so scared, I didn’t think I could cope on my own…..

But I DID eventually leave – and I’ve been out for a couple of years now, and we are doing OK, as you know when you do everything about the house anyway it’s no different really.
Money is tight I will say, but between me working, maintenance, and benefits, we get by.

It’s so much better not living with that constant tension in the air, the house is calm now, and we can have a laugh again. We can make our own choices about where we go, what we do etc, just making our own decisions and not being forced in to doing what HE wanted all the time. Every day out we ever had would be spoilt before we left the house, he’d pick a fight and there then would be silence all the way in the car, no one spoke.
His nasty comments would hurt, but he just expected me to take it all, say nothing and get over it, but it wasn’t that easy…..

Well I remember the feeling of walking on eggshells, I’d say to the kids “no we can’t do that or we’ll make daddy mad”, or “we must do this or daddy will be grumpy” – so we soon all learnt what we had to do to keep him happy.
But that just became ‘normal life’ for us – and that’s how we lived for the teens of years….. We did it his way or else suffer his moods…..

I was never allowed to go out with friends for a lunch out, he hated me going out and having a nice time if he wasn’t included.

My friends only came to the house when he was out at work, they saw his moods and sensed the tension in the air.
He made sure I couldn’t phone friends or family (unless he was out) for he’d have ‘play fights’ with the kids and make so much noise that I couldn’t hear, or he’d stomp up and down glaring at me, giving me this look that said – get off that phone NOW…..

It all started to go wrong when I had the kids – for then he was no longer the centre of my world, he did not get my undivided attention, and he was jealous of the kids.
He really was not much support during the birth of my second child.

What really sticks in my mind was that after giving birth, I was still in hospital, and he climbed in bed beside me and took my hand and forced me to give him ‘hand relief’ – I’d just given birth, that was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to be held and cuddled, but he wanted his sexual needs met…….

I hope one day you too have the courage to leave, I know I stayed WAY too long, he’s zapped me of all confidence, I never did have much….but after years of controlling and sexual abuse I’m just a shell of the girl he met and married ……I hope one day to get her back, to be able to laugh again, have fun again, live again…….

Would your husband leave the house to you?
Mine wouldn’t go, so in the end I had to get me and the kids out of there, we had to live with me mam for a short time until we got someplace to live, but it’s worth it, to be FREE…..

I’ll go for now, but I’m here any time you want to talk and share your feelings, even if you want to private message me, it’s good to share thoughts and experiences.

Take care.

Here for you.

x*x

[Angels wings]

Hi mixed up mum, wow what you’ve described is exactly how things are, I just couldn’t find the right words. I don’t have any family to help, my mother was abided as a child and throughout her whole life, unfortunately she was very controlling over me and used emotional blackmail to get me to do what she wanted it was like being in a nightmare being torn between her and my husband. I had to stop seeing her after she started on my children screaming at my oldest who has dyspraxia and possible asd. My youngest is now showing signs of dyspraxia or spd and my daughter possible apd (sorry lots of a deviations lol) it was only a matter of time before all of my children were treated in the same way. I drew the line and chose to protect myself and my children. Thus meant my older brother took my mind side and my other siblings either had had enough themselves and shut the family out it were distant and have little contact. Friends I love and adore but as I’m sure you all can’t elate to just don’t get it. I can’t tell them everything with the children’s needs and my dodgy marriage it’s too much for the average person to contain. It means I’m pretty much alone.
Our home is owned by someone else complicated situation again ! We are supposed to be getting a mortgage asap and we have invested lots of money in it. This sounds crazy but I think if we own it and we increase the value if and when I gather the courage to end things. I will have either a home I can make him leave (although I don’t know if I’d get help with the mortgage) or if we sell at least some money in the bank. It scares me how I’m so tied. My so had such severe bullying he can’t face school. My priority is my children’s needs. Others that have been through thecsamecand come out the other side gives me hope. It gives me strength. Although I could cry reading everyone’s life stories. It’s like I’ve written it myself. He’s being all nice ATM a time where I’m coping but biding my time. Although I have a childhood friend visiting from abroad in a couple of months she wants to meet up with myself and a few other old close friends, it may be the last time for years so unlike me (I’ve been out twice on my own on 12 years) I said yes lol. I told my husband about it tonight his reaction was do what you wNt, I said good I’ve already said yes 😳 He then said what without consulting me! How would you feel if I did that ? I said but I knew you’d be ok about it. Be then said I would never do it without asking you if you mind first. It left me mixed up thinking is it normal to be able to arrange stuff then discuss it or is he right. Is this control again ? I just don’t know what’s normal. I am determined to go even if I go alone with the children I know my other friend is bringing her children along. All this yet he’s going to fly home to see his family abroad for two weeks in a couple of months time which I e backed all the way ! I’m using this time to get strong and learn from others. I appreciate everyone taking the time to help me thank you so much. 🙂

[Angels wings]

I meant my mum was abused not abided I’m terrible at spelling when I type fast.

[Starmoon]

I echo what the other ladies have said. I’ve rambled on about this book in lots of my posts- the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I’m not finished reading it yet but so far it’s the only thing ive come accross that’s really given me faith that what I’ve been experiencing is abuse.
Allot of what you’ve said I can relate to- so maybe this book will help you too. I don’t agree that women should do everything at home. Gah it’s supposed to be equal. My grandpa,dad and brother are all men who do or have change nappies, do night feeds,house work, looking after the children… Equally. Begs the question why I ended up with such a controlling bully who thought we lives in the 1950s but it does remind me that there’s hope. Xx

[Starmoon]

Just read your last comment about buying your house… I would suggest not getting tied into a mortgage with him.. If your name were to be on it, it could make things difficult. I probably don’t know enough about it to say really but I imagine if you were to own the house and he wouldn’t move out or sell, it would be difficult for you to rent- if you weren’t working and intending to claim housing. I don’t think you’d be entitled if you owned a house… I’m not totally sure. And if he were to move out, you also wouldn’t be entitled to anything to pay the mortgage. But if you don’t own a house… Hypothetically speaking and in theory, you could move out, rent a house and get most if not all of your bills paid for… I imagine you’d be entitled to allot more with your children having special requirements. My froends son has Aspergers and a few other things I’m not sure of and she is paid a care allowance… I think by the sounds of it you’d be financially ok without him… And without the stress too. There’s also groups and clubs available over weekends and holidays isn’t there for children with certain disabilities… Perhaps they would be able to go to these so that you’re not so tired and you get a rest. I hope I’m not stepping on your toes saying any of this, I just know there is things that can be done to help

[Author]

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