Confused

[Apples100]

Hello,
I’m new here and I’m just feeling confused and upset. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years and he’s always had a nasty temper. When he’s really angry he shouts in my face, throws objects at me, grabs and shoves me and smashes up furniture and belongings. The worst was putting his hands around my throat. Afterwards he’ll eventually say sorry but explain that I’d wound him up and he was only reacting to my behaviour.

The thing is I don’t know what I do so wrong. He says I’m not positive enough around him (he suffers from depression) and that I’m always moody. I genuinely don’t think I’m always moody and negative. I have a stressful and busy full time job so I’m tired a lot of the time and I do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping.

I feel like I’m headed towards a nervous breakdown trying to balance work and keep everything going at home. I don’t want to tell my friends or family because I don’t want to worry them. I don’t know why I keep getting it so wrong. I try so hard to stay on the right side of him.

I just wanted to get some of this off my chest.

Thank you for listening

[Catjam]

Please seek help, tell someone you can trust about what is going on. You are not to blame for the way he treats you. It’s a choice he makes to keep you under his control. He lives his life how he wants with you as his caretaker. Using fear and violence to keep you in line.
Can you get in touch with Women’s Aid?
There are some excellent books out there, Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ and Pat Craven ‘ living with the dominator’.
I have an escape bag kept elsewhere with a spare mobile phone with important numbers in just in case I need to get out quickly. But mine hasn’t been aggressive or violent for years, he no longer has to be. I am well trained now.
Please take care xx

[gettingtired]

Oh my gosh, what you’ve written could literally have been written by me. Everything you’ve said is my situation too. I dont want to tell my family or friends either. In fact, I tried to broach the subject to my parents (without telling them about the abuse) and it’s made me feel worse because they are huge empaths like me, they dont know what he’s really like and feel sorry for him about things in his life and were making suggestions of how I could help him 😩 Feel free to private message me if you want a chat but totally understand if you’re not feeling up to that. Take care xx

[Beautifulday]

@apples100
Hi there and welcome to the forum!

What you describe is abuse without doubt , my H is exactly the same its like you wrote my experience word for word!
Firstly you are not alone and you’ve made the first step in coming to the forum to recognise that it is abuse.

I would recommend contacting your local womens aid try to do it this week, they are so so helpful will usually give you a call back it will feel nerve-wracking I was so nervous but please do it! Once I started talking I couldn’t stop and the lady listened to everything, she told me its abuse and I just felt like it was a weight off my shoulders telling someone my experiences, she’s kept on touch with me via email which is brilliant and gave me lots of advice and helped formulate a plan.

I would recommend reading the books mentioned in one of the topics called book list there are a few main ones which most people who come here will read and they are fantastic, will really help you see it for ewhat it is, if you can Google terms like covert n********t, n********t , trauma bonding, coercive control, emotional abuse etc and read as much as you can you will slowly start to see your own relationship like I did.

I would also recommend from now keeping a journal but make sure its well hidden, document every incident, every bad word, name calling face pulling, physical incident everything!!! Date it too and write how you feel, it may seem silly doing this but I’ve done it for a year now and when I’m doubting myself i always read back through it and im shocked its like im an outsider looking in,you see your relationship from a different angle, its also good to do this if ever police need to get involved its proof.

I would also say to visit your gp explain how you feel they will log this and again if ever anything proceeds to court or police investigation this will all be evidence.

Can I ask do you own your home? Do you rent?,

I like you felt ashamed and still do of telling family and friends, I havent told family tye extent of my abuse but one very close friend and it was the best thing I did, do you have a very close friend you could talk to?

Just know you are not alone lovely, keep posting here , keep educating yourself, we will help you through this ,xx

[Author]

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