Confused

[Travelcatz]

I’ve been on the forum on and off for the past few months and just wanted some reasurance and advice.

I’ve been with my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years and the emotional, n********tic abuse has been  gradually building up over the years, hitting a point about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago when away on a trip (this was a regular occurrence) and I was blamed for something that was so crazy but resulted in me being chucked out of the hotel room in middle of night and finding somewhere to go. If things aren’t perfect, I would get the rage and all the blame.

We aren’t married and have no children, but I currently work for him and have a number of financial ties.

The abuse has ranged from blaming me for everything and anything, focusing purely on himself and belittling me but making me feel that I should be grateful for all the financial things he has done. A few months ago he said he had settled for me as I was convenient, which he later said was just to get to me.

I’m a glorified slave/maid on a salary. He has also called me by a derogatory pet name for about (detail removed by Moderator) years and I ask not to, but finds it funny and says it’s just a silly pet name.

Anyway, long story short, the past few months I’ve been planning to leave and I have somewhere to go with one of my cats (that’s another emotional tie as we have two!) And I have a good support network around me.

I’ve been planning to go on a number of occasions and then got scared and just thought it’s easier to carry on as it’s familiar. However I have been very withdrawn and ‘grey rocking’ him and he has been much nicer and openly saying  “I’m not blaming you anymore” and trying to be affectionate. He is very manipulative and admits it as he sees it as a strength in life and business (he has his own company and is successful).

I have said I’m not happy a few times, said my doc wanted me to take antidepressants for anxiety(I haven’t) and that I feel so sad I haven’t had a child (I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and so angry I’ve let him just guide our life and lost the chance to have a child). It’s like he doesn’t have time to factor in my issues and any time I’m down says it’s due to covid (I am a (detail removed by Moderator) also so lost some income). It’s not all been bad and we had a lovely life at times but I hid the issues behind all of that.

My question is, is his behaviour normal or is he changing?  I have had weeks where he’s been better but this has been a couple of months. I’m trying to work out if it’s because I’ve emotionally switched off and he’s trying to claw me back? I’m petrified to leave as I feel so guilty leaving him (I do everything at home, and I mean everything!), but I’ve emotionally checked out.

I’m seriously close to going asap so I just want to make sure I’m not going mad.
Thank you

[ISOPeace]

He’s not changing. This is very typical behaviour when they feel they’re losing control. Just like you said he’s trying to claw you back. You’re not going made. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what’s going on. But I know it’s hard to see clearly, especially when you’re scared to leave.

If you need help in seeing what’s going on, read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It might be the push you need feel free enough to leave. Sending love xxxx

[Author]

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