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Good morning,
I’m new in the forum and I have been with the same person for nearly (detail removed by moderator). From the very beginning, he has always been very jealous, controlling, telling me how I should wear, checking who I was going out with or calling me many times every time I was meeting some friends. I didn’t even dare to look up when walking in the street or shops because he thought I was looking at men even though I’ve never done so or cheated on him.
Since we had children, he’s been belittling me, calling me names, making fun of me, insulting and humiliating me and it’s all happened in front of my kids in many occassions. There is an endless list of other horrible things he’s done and said to me. Still, I’m thinking it my be my fault for not behaving as he was expecting me to do or not being good enough for him. I sometimes think it’s all in my head and it’s probably normal in a relationship.
Could I please get some advice or comments?
Thanks -
It’s not in your head and it’s not normal, well it’s normal behaviour for an abuser sadly. If you search the freedom programme, there’s a short video on there about Mr Good and Mr Bad, it’s not the full version but gives you a good idea of the difference and I suspect you might recognise Mr Bad in a lot of your experiences. Another book I always recommend is Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’ or watch Dr Ramani on YouTube if safe to do so. Good luck
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From the very beginning, he has always been very jealous, controlling, telling me how I should wear, checking who I was going out with or calling me many times every time I was meeting some friends. I didn’t even dare to look up when walking in the street or shops because he thought I was looking at men even though I’ve never done so or cheated on him.
The jealousy and controlling behavior you mentioned is what I went through. I never gave him a reason that I would cheat. It was mad romantic love at first. We were total “soul mates”. Still, it went like this: him coercing me to have sex with other guys, recording it for his viewing pleasure later; me actually cheating on him to gain some control back after failed attempts to get his fetish to stop; him demanding me to sleep with more guys to “fix” my alleged affair – (detail removed by moderator) many sleepless nights; getting screamed at; being called disgusting names; hearing threats of suicide and divorce; locking me out of our home; tracking my location nonstop; and now…I am making appointments with lawyers, telling my parents (finally), being manipulative and sneaky, waiting for the proper time to move out.
Please end it or if you stay, get into individual counseling, & see if he is open to going himself as well (prob not together). If he doesn’t see a need to change now, sadly, he may never.
Best
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💯 “not” your fault ( id write it in capitals but it’s not allowed in case shouting appearance) we put all the blame on ourselves to what we should change and should do/be better with completely neglecting what he should and shouldn’t be doing (reminds me so much of my 1st long term ‘relationship’) his behaviour is extreme and completely abnormal (though completely normal for abuse standards) This isn’t you they project so much rubbish onto us so regularly we end up believing it feeling grateful that they are still with and putting up with “terrible” us (which is 🤬) have a think about it if we were so bad would they have stayed with us for this long? Would they have to go to such extreme lengths verbally putting us down to keep us submissive and vulnerable tne control attempts? If he was so good would he be using abuse of all kinds on a lovely? Abusers have a superior attitude that they can do and say whatever they want because they’re beyond normal and they are they’re ab-normal seriously, what’s happened is. Is that he’s been doing this soooo long he’s brok your self esteem and made you believe things that aren’t true, a well behave man who’s caring well for his partner wouldn’t feel threatened if 1 he was good enough and 2 you were so bad? Think about it? It’s negative male retaining tactics. A good man would be more that grateful to have you you’ve just adapted to his severe toxicity but you do see it now which is really good,what you do if you stay or leave is your choice (I’m hoping the latter) but I hope you keep safe whatever you decide to do 💜💗💜
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