Confused

[undertherainbow]

Hello all, just wanted to post about something which I’m struggling to make sense of.

I know a lot of us ‘miss’ our abusers and we are told that usually we merely miss the idea of being a unit, the good times, what could’ve been, etc.

I miss my abuser. However I have had the opportunity to start afresh a relationship with the Father of my children. He is a wonderful man, a great Dad and in our (detail removed by moderator) years together never once even raised his voice to me, let alone a fist. We spilt amicably and are best friends. I should want to be with this man but I don’t think anything or anyone will compare to the love I felt for the abuser who is now serving a prison sentence for almost killing me! So surely it must be him I’m missing, not just the idea of a relationship.

I feel dead inside a lot of the time. I wrote to him in prison and got no response, I am not even worth harassing. I’m desperate for him to get in touch even though I’d be telling him to eff off if he actually did. It’s so frustrating to feel like this. I really do hate what he’s put me through. I’m still so angry at the incredulous lies he told in court knowing full well he was guilty of the sexual offences. I don’t really know where I’m going with this but feels good to get it out. I find myself wondering how domestic abusers get on in prison, I hope within the criminal hierarchy they are seen as very, very low. How can I miss someone I actually want to be suffering. I then start questioning if I’m some sort of n********t! I wish he cared but he just doesn’t does he.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and sorry to ramble on xx

[undertherainbow]

I asked my GP and I was given a number to ring. I’m seeing my sexual violence support worker soon so I will ask her also.
You’re right about the love/hate divide, seems there’s a fine line between the two. It is exhausting! I worry I’ll never have feelings for anyone but him.

I hope you’re ok (detail removed by moderator)t, I have been following your posts and threads and just want to pass on a hug.

xx

[SaharaD]

Hello undertherainbow

It sounds like trauma bonding to me.

Things that might help:

Going no contact completely
Focusing on improving yourself
Fill your time with activities so that you don’t have time to “miss” him
Have no fear of being alone for the rest of your life. No one needs a romantic relationship.
Join the Freedom Programme and keep going until you feel stronger and spend less time thinking about him.
Try to get DV counseliing.
Start looking into things that will boost your self esteem and self confidence.

I love this website because it removes romantic relationships as part of the happiness equation.

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/

[undertherainbow]

Hi SaharaD and thank you. I will have a look at that website. I am trying to get a job as I’ve been a stay at home Mum for some time now and feel I’m ready to get back into work. I’ve had two interviews both of which were unsuccessful so my confidence/esteem hasn’t been the best. I’ll keep trying though.

Can it still be considered no contact even if I can’t actually get in touch with him? I don’t know for sure if he got my letters, there’s a lifelong restraining order in place. However he indirectly gave me his prison number when I indirectly asked for it but that’s as far as it’s gone. I won’t be writing again and I did state this in my last letter to him. I just don’t know how the prison system works and whether or not they pass them on if it’s from the victim.

xx

[Serenity]

We get trauma bonded because their tactics are so cruel.

Thy are so cunning and manipulative that they are like detectives, seeking out our vulnerabilities, then they act like they are our saviours, only to turn into our destroyers.

They are so good at saying the right thing when they want, promising the things that they know would make us happy- then they delight in swiping it away and watching us in pain. They leave us in a state of hurt confusion, wondering what we did wrong, how we can get that knight in shining armour back…

What breaks the traumatic bond is realising that these abusers are fake. They say what they think we want to hear, if it gets them the things they want. They have shallow emotions. They can’t feel like us, they can’t develop mature love, they are temperamental and destructive.

We find it hard to let go or to believe how awful they are, because their behaviour goes against humanity and seems unbelievable. We keep hoping we will wake up and it will just be a bad dream. I think you want him to prove that he isn’t as bad as he seems, but unfortunately, these abusers are indeed very bad and toxic people. No contact is the only way.

[undertherainbow]

Serenity your posts are always so powerful and thought provoking, thank you. I am feeling better today but had dreams of him last night which never help as they feel so real. Sometimes they’re nightmares but other times they are us doing normal things.

Without too much being given away, I was held at knifepoint and forcibly almost thrown into a bath containing electrical wires and equipment. This has left me unable to enjoy a relaxing soak without overwhelming flashbacks. In the flashbacks I never get away though. He’s taken so much from me including the simplicity of a bath.

[Kaza]

I love reading your post Serenity. They make me feel so much betterxxx

[Author]

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