Confused

[Raspberry123]

I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m constantly being told that I’m self pitying whenever I ask why whatever I do isn’t good enough and getting told I have a victim complex and it’s excessive that I go on (detail removed by Moderator) and women’s aid for support. I’ve been having so many breakdowns this past week and I’m so confused by it all. One moment he’s nice the next he’s horrible and I feel so pulled both ways by the same person. He tells me that he can’t put up with how I am and the mistakes I make any longer and if I want this relationship to work I have to sort myself out. I’m so drained I don’t know what to do I just want to disappear

[sweet4]

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, lots of ladies on here, are dealing with the same issues. Keep posting.

[Grapevine456]

Hi,
I’m new to this site and would not normally post but I am terribly confused about what is going on in my relationship at the moment. My husband has recently been quite unwell with a hospital stay. He has become suddenly quite angry at me, blaming me for his illness and citing evidence of job changes and associated reduction in income I bring in causing him to have to get another job. When I did not accept it was my fault he blew up and became really angry, with aggressive pointing and stabbing the table with both his pointing fingers. Additionally he has sent a raft of messages telling me I’m a Jekyll and hyde character, asking me why have spent money using our joint account rather than the prepaid card that is loaded up every month (detail removed by Moderator). I have become fearful of him and have withdrawn and bearly talk to him now as it seems easier to be quiet rather than receive his wrath. (detail removed by Moderator) we had an online couples session which was traumatic and I found myself reliving a lot of the things that have happened. My voice was heard first whilst my husband listened and made notes and then provided examples of why I was in the wrong. (detail removed by Moderator)
I am so sorry for such a long and rambly post and wonder if I am imagining things or being overly sensitive? Any advice ?

[Stargazing1]

I’m getting more and more confused . My head is in a spin and everything seems messy.

[Raspberry123]

Hi, no you are not imagining things at all and im so sorry you’re being blamed for all of that. Those are not things you can control and definitely not happening because of you. I totally get you about the constantly being told what you’re doing wrong and how things are your fault. It’s exhausting and really draining. Feel free to message me if you need, but just remember it’s not your fault, and you aren’t in control or to blame for anyone’s short comings xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Raspberry

Nothing you do, say or change about yourself will make any difference to how he is treating you. He is choosing to abuse you.

“He tells me that he can’t put up with how I am and the mistakes I make any longer and if I want this relationship to work I have to sort myself out”….

He has put the entire relationship on your shoulders, you must sort yourself out meaning do as he says, agree with him or you are getting it wrong (as he wants to control you). If he was that unhappy he would leave right? But he won’t, he will keep complaining,.blaming and wearing you down… It really isn’t you lovely, it is on him.

He is moving the goal posts and blaming you for the breakdown in your relationship when it is him who needs to take responsibility..he won’t, they never do.. I bet you are exhausted and do far more than him?

Keeping a journal can help
HFH ❤️

[Stargazing1]

I am very very confused now. Everything has gone quiet and there is no shouting. There have been things said which I took as I was being told I need to decide if I know where my priorities lie but this wasn’t said in a nasty manner it was just said in a normal tone of voice. Other things have been said too over future events. My head is all over the place.

[sweet4]

Star, this is what they do. xx

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @sweet4 , it’s so very confusing. Hope you are being kind to yourself.

[TiredZiggy]

Why is it so many men on here do not take responsibility for their part in a relationship? He’s playing with your mind and he knows that. He wants to feel in control so he’s making you feel bad about yourself so he can big himself up. I bet he has a very low self esteem really. I don’t know what your situation is, if you have kids or are married. I’m in a similar situation with my partner but because I’m married with kids it’s very tough to leave especially if he’s the breadwinner. If you don’t have kids then get out now. If you have kids still get out, but do it when u think you and the kids are both ready, and make sure it’s safe to do so. You don’t deserve to feel like this. Have you tried counselling?

[Stargazing1]

I have been busy this afternoon doing this and that and I’ve been thinking things through and I really do think I am too blame . I’ve had mental health issues what seems like forever and when I think about how I’ve coped there’s no wonder I got dumped by my first husband and I think I’m ruining now. I really do believe this is all my fault. I’m a rubbish person who can never say no . I can’t stand up for myself. I’m a c**p mother and just a c**p person in general. I prefer to be alone . I don’t like going out . I get upset easily and struggle to cope . This is all my fault. I’m so sorry everyone.

[Stargazing1]

I suppose I could say I’m not confused anymore because I know it’s my fault. This is the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

[Texas]

That’s what he wants you to believe to get you emotionally dependent on him. He gives you a preloaded card so you don’t use the joint account? And nobody on earth deserves being at the recieving end of shouting and aggressive finger pointing. You are not a rubbish person and I am certain your kids don’t believe that.

[Stargazing1]

I am very grateful for your kindness @Texas . I Really am but everything has gone quiet now and the reason I was shouted at so badly is because I wasn’t strong enough to tell someone something because I’m a coward so I just made everything go wrong so inevitably it is my fault. I’m just one big wimp who needs to grow up but I find it so hard too be different. I’m not proud of myself being as weak as I am . I have failed. I am so very sorry but I am grateful. Thank you.

[nbumblebee]

If you are a wimp then so am I and so are alot of women on here.
Would you say we were all wimps?
No, no you wouldnt so dont talk about yourself like that.
We do what we can to stay safe sane. Occasionally we lose our s**t my god we are allowed too arent we? Dont say sorry this is a safe space to lose your s**t we all get it we are here for you.
Keep talking to us just keep talking. You will see its not you its him you will see sweetie.
Weve got you xxxxxxx

[Texas]

Have you thought about having counselling on your own just to help you with your jumbled thoughts and feelings?

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @nbumblebee I will take into consideration what you have quoted Thank you. @Texas , I’ve had therapy etc before but never told them about him but I am expecting some help from a womens aid worker soon so I will chat with them as soon as I get my appointment. Thanks @Texas I’m very grateful for your support cheers .

[TiredZiggy]

Please don’t tell him you’re going to women’s aid for support. Don’t tell him ANYTHING he’ll use it against you. Keep it to yourself and don’t let him have that control over u. Also as someone else said, keep a diary of everything he does and says to you.

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