Confused

[Pumpkin1]

I’m new to this space, it’s all so strange and confusing . Last (detail removed by moderator) my partner was violent towards me during a fight. Nothing like this has happened before, we’ve been together a very long time. The build up to it was stress. Failed ivf, stress at work, I’m estranged from my parents, buying the house we had been renting. After the incident I stayed at a hotel. I spoken with DV charities that were amazing. The big realisation for me was how vulnerable I am as I rely on him financially. I only work part time as I struggle with chronic depression and anxiety. I don’t have family I can turn to, my best friend lives miles away. The depression has isolated me, I can’t bare to see people. The grief of infertility consumes me and since this incident I feel like I can’t trust anyone . I feel so much shame. Part of the reason I don’t want to see people is the shame I feel but I’m so lonely and sad I’m also scared I’ll just blurt out what happened. The incident wasn’t super violent but it felt like he was punishing me for not being able to carry his child. He says it wasn’t that, it was a knee jerk reaction. I believe him but I still have those feelings. I feel so vulnerable – no family, not enough money of my own, I want a family but I’m scared of how much more vulnerable it will make me. My mental health has taken a real dip lately,and I’ve been really struggling with thoughts of self harm. He is in anger management therapy. Rationally I don’t think he’ll hurt me again, but my body feels different – the trauma hasn’t gone . Plus I’m carrying the trauma of infertility too. Plus all the trauma I already had from childhood.

I don’t know how to be around people anymore. Too scared to see my friends . I’m so terribly lonely, scared and sad.

[Sad and alone]

I’m so sorry you feel this way. I completely understand. I had failed ivf too, wanted to look into adoption instead but he wasn’t keen. He comments that I’d have been a better person if I’d had children. Alluded to me not being a proper woman. Not mature. Not able to do anything for myself without his help.
Also been together for years. First physical abuse was ages ago, and the majority of it since we moved away to a different area. I have no friends and one relative that lives miles away. I also feel depressed, although the degree to which I feel this way varies. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be with my Mum and Dad who have both passed away. It’s very difficult but please try not to punish yourself for his behaviour.
If he’s hurt you once he could do it again. There’s always an excuse and you’re usually the cause of it. There was a large gap between the first time he was violent towards me and the second time, but abuse isn’t always physical.
If you’ve been in touch with DV charities you’re a step ahead of me so well done. Can you go back to them and continue to receive support? They may be able to advise you on next steps, or help you make a decision about what you want to do next. Keep posting here. It helps you to share and others to read and realise we’re all not alone, we have each other, even if it is anonymous words.
Take care x*x

[Pumpkin1]

Thank you so much for responding. I’m sorry that you’ve been treated so poorly. I’m so thankful for this outlet as I cant discuss what happened anywhere else. A big thing for me now is to try and get myself in a better place financially . I have savings set add aside which he cannot access so I have emergency money . But it just makes me feel so sad that I should need it. We do love each other, but this situation has made me trust him less. And lord, I’m just so depressed . I’ve really struggled with dark thoughts lately . Estrangement from parents, dv, financial worry and infertility/ it’s too much at times

[Sad and alone]

Did you have any counselling before? I haven’t but feel it could help straighten out thoughts in your head. Sometimes we have so much going round and round, if we could tell someone neutral it might help make things clearer?
This is a good place to be able to freely say what you need to. I think it’s very hard talking to someone you know, especially if they know both of you. I told a relative we “weren’t getting on” and made a few comments but couldn’t say everything that has happened and they just said it’s a long term relationship and things can be harder and when I said I was only staying for my pet they said I didn’t mean it! I wonder what they’d say if I told them all of it.

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