Confused about SA

[BeautyMarked]

I would consider myself a vulnerable person as I am probably autistic and have a history of abusive relationships.

I recently rejoined a dating app as I am desperate to meet someone. Im (detail removed by Moderator) and never had a real relationship. I thought I’d healed a lot and was trying to be very assertive and clear about what I do and do not want. I am so clear I will under no circumstances do one night stands. I say that casual situations are not for me either but I understand you need to start somewhere.

Most men show their intentions straight off and get discarded. I thought this strategy was working well for me. Then I started talking to a local military man ((detail removed by Moderator) please don’t judge). I said my bit and he said it was fine as he was looking for something serious. He even said he wasn’t a cheater and would talk to let alone meet other girls while we were talking. He said he expected me to do the same. This was music to my ears as I thought I’d finally found someone who was willing to explore things with me in an honest and genuine way. Everything he said reassured me.

After (detail removed by Moderator) or so of talking I agreed to meet. I felt I could trust him so invited him round. He came on hot and heavy and was quite assertive. I find it hard to not go along with it but I tried to speak up and say to him again that I didn’t want this to be a one off. He sat looking into my eyes and reassured me that he would never do that. Literally moments before he really started coming onto me. I won’t go into all the details but as I said he was assertive and he made me orgasm and I did enjoy certain things. I didn’t realise he’d put it in without protection and I’m confused because sone bits I liked sone bits I was less sure of and went along and I wanted to please him so told him I loved it etc. Next day he got distant and I was hurt because he would have known whether he wanted to see me again before sex. He had told me the age was not a problem and now it was. I was upset but we got back on track and he built up my trust again and made me believe he was interested. He came over again and said after ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. I was horrified. I felt violated on both occasions as he manipulated my trust and I was meeting him on a genuine level while he was lying the whole time. I told him clearly I wanted no sex with him if he was going to do this. I found out he was talking to and seeing others as well. I felt like he took away my informed consent. I told him I felt violated and he was angry. Worried about his job if I said anything. I phoned a helpline as I was shaken up and they said being deceived and tricked is SA under the law. I went to SARC and they wanted me in when I explained but I’m not sure they took me seriously so I doubted. I phoned his base and they encouraged a police report. I did that and they came and also did not take me serious. I’m also pregnant.

I’m struggling with a few things: police, SARC and military process and whether this is SA. I didn’t behave perfectly and because I admitted to enjoying sone things they seem to just think he’s a bad person rather than a criminal. They told me coercion is threats not what I described. Rape crisis website says being tricked is SA

Have I blown it up? My life is in tatters do it feels more than being a bad person. I’ve been suicidal and tried to ask for a review. I want justice yet im in a delicate situation with the pregnancy and feel I want to speak to him. They’re just all confused with my behaviour which makes me doubt. Please be honest with me. (detail removed by Moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi BeautyMarked,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about everything you have been through and that you are feeling organisations have doubted you. It is understandable you feel distressed by this and by what has happened. It is important to remember you haven’t caused any of this and it is not your fault.

You may find some support helpful from Rape Crisis via their online chat (https://rapecrisis.org.uk/) or 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line on 0808 500 2222.

Please do keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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