Confused about who’s the abuser

[Fluctuating]

Hi there,

I’m new here. I’m stuck in a difficult pattern with my husband. There have been many times over the years when I’ve been frightened of him and I avoid some social events (and even visiting my family with him) because I know he is likely to drink secretly and then become volatile. I understand that as abusive, toxic behaviour, and understand that it will be incredibly difficult to get him to understand past events because they largely occur when he’s drunk and so he effectively has a free pass not to remember/confront them.

The thing is, whenever I read articles about emotional abuse, I end up wondering if I’m an abuser too. Husband struggles with his mental health and hasn’t worked for a long time now – my career is very successful and so I’m in pretty much total control of the finances. When I read advice it always says things like, “it’s hard to leave if you’re being financially controlled”, etc., and I end up convincing myself that I’m part of the abuse by controlling that, and that I’m stupid not to have left already, if it’s so much harder for other people.

A part of me knows it’s time to leave, but I do feel really sorry for him at times and it seems so incredibly complicated to uproot lives.

Thoughts and advice incredibly welcome. Thanks so much.

[KIP.]

You are not responsible for him, abuser use fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG to keep us trapped. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. He knows exactly what he is doing. My ex hid behind alcohol for decades until I was told that he can control himself with other people. His abuse was only when we were alone. So he had perfect control and chose to abuse me. Many men drink and so not abuse their partners. Alcohol is not an excuse. He is choosing to abuse you and it will get worse.

[fridges]

You worked hard to be successful. He wants money, he need to work. He is responsible for his own life, not you. And he is not deserving money from you and live off you.
It is guild trap, which is not fair on you.
I’m against when a man lives off woman. Have been myself in this situation, takes my money + abused me.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum. No you are not the abuser. I’ve read a lot of stories on here similar to yours where the woman is the income-earner and they are sort of trapped paying all the bills whilst the man abuses them. And like you they feel sorry for them and feel like they can’t leave because of guilt and are worried what will happen to the man if they leave. There is a term called FOG which stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Abusers use these three tools to keep us trapped and it sounds like your husband is currently employing all three of them.

Just because he has mental health problems doesn’t mean you are responsible for him. Lots of people have mental health problems and are not abusive and there is government and community support available for them – he wouldn’t be destitute if you left him and I would expect he may even start working again – it is possible that he has manipulated you into paying for all the bills as this is a common scenario with abusers. I wasn’t living with my ex but he made it so that I ended up buying the food we ate at his house when I went round even though he was the one with the good job. These types of men are clever at getting women to pay for everything whilst making themselves look like the victim.

If you read more stories on here I think you will see there is a range of behaviour but it always fits the same sorts of patterns. Look up the Power and Control Wheel if you haven’t already and see if it resonates. It is not right that you feel frightened of your husband, that in itself is pretty much all is needed to show there is abuse going on.

There’s also a good book called Why Does he do that by Lundy Bancroft although if you get this make sure he doesn’t find it. I am sure you’ll find the forum helpful, keep reading and keep sharing. Also give the helpline a call as they understand the abuse dynamic very well and can help you plan your next steps.

[Fluctuating]

Thank you both, KIP and SunshineRainflower. I’ve just had a good sob while reading your responses, which tells me everything I need to know, I think.

I’m not quite there yet re. leaving, but I have told a couple of friends and they have been wonderful – I have done something right at some point to have friends like that – but they haven’t been in my position and it is so incredibly affirming to have other women tell me I’m not losing my mind/being a b***h.

Thank you so much.

[diymum@1]

Hi there, he’s abusing your trust and that’s the hard part. He’s masking his abuse under a vail of depression and alcohol. It’s all to put you in a head spin to keep you exactly where he wants you. These men use any means to keep you in your place (in his head that is) Read up on this, I’ve just read the bill on coercive and threatening behaviour again. I didn’t realise this can result in a custodial sentence. That’s the extreme but goes to show how seriously the CPS take this. That might be way further down the line, WA will offer you support they do a risk assessment for me that confirmed I was being abused. Your not the abuser but he has gaslighted you into thinking you are xx ☺ 💕 crying is good your getting it out, please lean on us as WA for support were always here and we’ve been through it. It sucks but we get there in the end xx ☺so have faith 😊❤

[xxxxhelpxxxx]

I earn slightly more pro rata than him but we both have our own bank accounts. Bills, etc come out of a joint account we pay into. I put my money in as soon as I get paid. He gets paid a few days after me but he never, ever puts money in until the last minute. Rent is due at the end of the month before we get paid again so have to allow for it from the previous months wages, if that makes sense. He then doesn’t know what his own bills are that he has to allow for!! Every bliming month I have to make up the shortfall somehow. I’m fed up of it. He is also financially controlling me to a degrees but maybe not in th traditional way as I have my own money – he doesn’t control it.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi xxxxhelpxxxx, I only found out I was classed as financially abused because it doesn’t fit into the traditional way either. We’d agree to purchase something, he’d say he had enough money to cover the payments if I helped him out a bit. He won’t set up dd, but told me to remind him to pay it in every month.He son accused me of nagging him and being obsessed with money. I set up dd through online banking, he went nuts but I refused to cancel it, too often he’s said he’d pay for something but not set up payment and ive been left to pay it. Or he’ll ask for a loan of money, yet he’s never in his overdraft but I’m always at the limit or over it. We’re brought up when in a relationship that’s what’s mine is yours and yours is mine, but only when it suits them. Noticed when I say no I’m called all the miserable gits under the sun, but my bank balance is getting healthier. Money is definately a big issue with him, but wasnt in the beginning of our relationship.
IWMB 💕💕

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