Confused after speaking to Solicitor

[Nomorepain]

Hi,
I have been planning to leave for some time. I have had years of coercive control, cheating, emotional, psychological abuse. I have had legal advice and support from local domestic abusive service. As the time approached for me and my children to leave, I touched base with my solicitor who said she doesn’t think its a good idea that I leave the property with children. She said that if I take the children away he can say that I’ve abducted the children. She recommends that I stay in the property with him and tell him I want us to separate and seek mediation. I’m really confused. I am scared to have this conversation with him face to face. As anyone else heard of this before? I actually contacted this solicitor through Rights for Women, so I feel they must have an understanding of domestic abuse. Any advice would be appreciated.
xx

[Mellow]

Does she not see it as urgent.?by the by I see where she’s coming from but I think it’s up to you .i left once and he said I abducted them but there’s nothing they can di you can say your in danger I don’t think this advice is coming from a domestic abuse solicitor because if your under any danger physical or emotional the best thing is to leave with your kids.you can’t leave them with him or it will be classed as abandonment

[Mellow]

Lots of women don’t do it that way due to further abuse if you say your leaving I would do what you think best we are probably not best to advice you on this case

[Nomorepain]

Hi Melloow,
Thanks for getting back to me. I agree, she doesn’t sound like a domestic abuse solicitor. She wasn’t taking into account the fear I feel. I did ask her what to do if I felt in danger. She says of course you need to remove yourself and children. However she was very much like wait and see if there is an incident before you leave. Which seems very dangerous to me.
I will ask him to leave next week. I’ll speak to domestic advice support before having that conversation.
x

[Lisa]

Hi Nomorepain,

Thank you for sharing with us. It is understandable you feel concerned by the advice you have been given. Women’s Aid do not advise telling the abuser any plans of leaving as safety is priority. Abusive people are unpredictable and leaving the relationship is a really risky time. As you have said, it is a good idea to seek support and to explore your options with your domestic abuse support worker first. Please do keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Take care,

Lisa

[Hereforhelp]

Hi definitely speak to Domestic Abuse services beforehand as I agree, your solicitor doesn’t sound DA trained…
I was told different advice from my solicitor…. I know we can’t talk about legal proceedings on the forum, you are welcome to PM me as i find some of what my own solicitor has advised me isn’t right for me and my children.. it’s so rough to navigate is a it, to .are the right decisions for the future and for the children
HFH ❤️

[Footballfan1]

Hi Nomorepain,

It is a difficult position to be in.
Your safety and the children’s is the priority.
If you fear for your safety, and you feel that you need to remove yourself from the situation, that would not be abduction.

Your local domestic abuse team could do safety planning with you.

I found I was able to have my ex removed from the property, leaving me and the children in the family home.
I have since discovered that it is quite rare for this to happen.
You can apply for non-molestation and occupation orders.
The non mol is to prevent your partner harassing and being violent towards you.
The occupation order can remove him from the family home.
You might find you are eligible for legal aid if you enquire.
You would get a solicitor to do all the paperwork for you.
In cases of domestic abuse, you have more chance of qualifying.
It does take a long time to get accepted in my experience.
Xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Nomorepain

Solicitors without a thorough understanding of DA will often recommend staying in the house. This is generally because you lose control over marketing and selling the house when it comes to a financial settlement. In an abusive situation this is irrelevant as you won’t have any control over that anyway.

Many women leave with their children and they don’t tell their partner until they are out of the house and in a place of safety.

I read this on the Rights for Women website “If the unauthorised removal of the child is within the UK it is a not a criminal offence.”

If it occurs to their father to try and accuse you of child abduction then he’ll have a battle to fight in which you will be revealing his abuse to the world. Will he want to take that risk?

Please ask your local DA charity to help you with a safe exit plan and do not tell him that you are leaving. He can apply for access to the children through legal procedure after you have left.

Please find a new solicitor!

[Marmalade]

Hi Nomorepain,
The solicitor will give advice based on your particular circumstances. They will know everything you tell them and advise on those facts. On here we only get a snapshot so can’t advise you. If Rights of Women recommended her then she is likely to have domestic abuse experience and be practising in family law.
So there are a number of reasons why the solicitor could warn about child abduction. If you are planning on taking them out of the country then you cannot do so without your husband’s consent or order of the court. If he is the primary carer and you remove them, then you are taking them away from the main carer.
Even with a current shared care arrangement he is entitled to apply to court for residence/contact orders.
I would be surprised if your solicitor has not spoken to you about non molestation and occupation orders. Presumably in your case she does not feel there are sufficient grounds? If these have not been discussed then ask her about them.
In a situation where there is little chance of an occupation order and there is not an issue of physical safety, then the advice can be to stay put not to jeopardise the woman’s position in any future divorce. Lots of ladies on this forum have been in this position and lived through deeply unpleasant times before the divorce is finalised. I do not know whether there would be an issue about a transfer of tenancy or a house sale in your case, but your solicitor’s advice is probably geered towards protecting your position.
Talk to your DA support. If your solicitor has not covered all options and explained clearly why she has discounted some/advised others, then go back and ask for clarification.
Good luck.

[Nomorepain]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I have read over everything that has been written and I am taking it all on board. I think the next step will be to get back in touch with my local
DV advisor. I am scared to stay in the house once he finds out that it is completely over but I would never leave without my children.
I will also speak to Rights of Women and confirm the advice I’ve been given and verify the solicitor is trained in DV.
Many thanks and I’ll be in touch x

[overcomer03]

I was given the exact same advice when I consulted with a solicitor despite the fact that I had disclosed abuse. In fact I was given the same advice by 2 different solicitors which made it really difficult for me as I was planning to leave with my kids and rent privately. You may need to consider other available options of leaving safely such as going to a refuge.

[Nomorepain]

Hi, thanks for your reply! I am not surprised that you got the same advice. I am hearing this from a lot of women. Hence the fact that we feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Just to give you a brief update. I managed to talk ‘him’ face to face. We agreed to meet in a public space. His behaviour was very detached and strange.. He took everything I said to calmly and agreed to live civilly ‘as friends’(for sake of kids). I obviously don’t trust him and still feel fearful of him but I’m hoping that this is the first step to my freedom. I’m planning my next move. I think me and kids will have to make plans to move out because he will definitely not leave the property.
Anyway, thanks again for everyone support! I feel like this road to freedom is so long and painful. I just want it done xx

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