Confused again

[tiredofitall]

I’m so upset because I feel manipulated and guilty at the same time. I know that my huusbands behaviour is abusive but what I struggle with is whether it’s intentional. Is he consciously choosing to be abusive or is it a consequence of how he chooses to behave? I appreciate that either way I don’t deserve to be treated like this. But we talk about people with addictions as not in control of their choices and we need to support them and sometimes that’s how I feel. He behaves this way because he is insecure, is adducted to cannabis which affects his moods, feels inadequate and to make himself feel better ge has to blame me for how chappy his life us hecause his ego is do fragile he couldn’t handle taking responsibility. I absolutely know now after lots of years that I’m not to blame but I don’t wonder if I should be more sympathetic? I struggle to sympathise with his challenges. Some I think are legitimate and can make daily life garden. But I just get frustrated that he’d rather moan about things than make the best of them. I’ve wasted the best years of my life with him and I get tired sometimes of having to just stay positive, ignore the c**p he dishes out and focus on the other amazing things in my life. I’m just tired of having to fight the cloud that comes with being near him.

[Hereforhelp]

Hey tiredofitall, in a word, yes, your husband does know what he is doing, he doesn’t lose control, he knows what works to remain where he is as he is on a good thing… you owe him nothing. He is a grown adult and knows exactly what he is doing and doesn’t care how his behaviours impact others. If he did care he would seek help, talk and listen. He sounds exhausting to live with, refusing to work because of other people, feels inadequate so blames you and everyone else, needs his drug fix and then you can approach him…. that’s no way for you to live.

Is your home in joint names? Have you contacted your local Womans Aid for advice? Have you got any support?

You accept he is abusive, I want to add he is also entirely responsible for his own behaviour, no matter what excuses he says. I am also long term married and stayed with mine for (detail removed by moderator) decades, he blamed his awful childhood for his abuse, he also didn’t have any friends and worked virtually on his own (I now know this is because my husband cannot form healthy relationships whatsoever).

❤

[tiredofitall]

Thank you. My logical brain 100% knows you are right. I feel so weak and ashamed that I can’t do what I know I should do. Its not because I’m scared of being on my own. The house is in joint names, I’ve been through one debt situation with him and I absolutely don’t want to put myself in that situation again so if I leave, I can’t afford to pay the mortgage and rent somewhere else. He can’t afford the mortgage so by default the mortgage will fall into arrears and my credit will fall and the rest of my life will be affected because of it and he has ruined so much already, I just can’t have him ruining that too.
I feel sorry for him because he is messed up but I hate him for not wanting to see it and do anything about it.

[tiredofitall]

I’m fed up of having to restrict what I’m doing to fit around his moods. We either stay in our rooms of go out until we know he’s had his first smoke because he is so volatile until then. He refuses to acknowledge that is how it is. But it is our reality. There is always a reason why he is annoyed and never a scenario where he listens and changes his response do its clear that there isn’t any intention to resolve and just a firm commitment to cause or have an argument about something. Or you get the silent treatment. Either way he dictates when we’ll have a nice time and when we won’t. Though he’ll always blame me. I’m just so b****y tired. I want a lottery win so we could afford to leave this house and this life.

[Bananaboat]

Been there, I used to excuse it due to his parents, his job, his health, his addictions (drink, coke & cannabis), similar to you he couldn’t be spoken to until his first smoke. Holidays has to be to countries/places he could smoke.

Ultimately by accepting this behaviour we are enabling them and destroying ourselves. If he wanted to stop he’d be trying, even if he failed and had to try again but he’s not is he? He’s using it as a verbal excuse with no action. A powerful statement that hit me was that he’s not going around shouting at strangers in the street, if yours is like mine then he’s being overly nice to strangers to make them like him – which means he is choosing to take it out on you. We all get stressed, we all lash out at times but it’s how you act afterwards that’s telling.

As for the house, you can’t stay with someone because he’ll have nothing – I did that for too long. In the way you’d look for a new home, sort the bills, childcare etc, he can do the same – like an adult. I’m mid-move and all I hear is how miserable his life is going to be in an empty one bed place or mates sofas, but he can find his own house/flat just like I had to, but he’s choosing not to – and making himself out to be the victim to anyone that’ll listen. There’s financial help available for helping us escape, lisa posted this https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/ site the other day.

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