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Had a c****y week with husband usual cycle of explosive anger nasty comments silent treatment the usual. And now as we head into the weekend he’s being nice as pie. Nice texts saying how much he loves me….being all nice and normal. And I sit here just thinking REALLY??? After all that I just am supposed to ignore it all and be fine?? And of course if I am not fine and still hurting from it all, or bring it up and tell him why I am being distant from him. Then the anger will come again. Anyone else feel like they are stuck in this endless cycle…. just so confusing. And even though I know what he said what he did I still feel now like did I dream that am I making this into a big drama? Have the whole weekend with him now wish me luck!
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Hi Lilaclady. Sorry to hear its been so horrible for you this week. I used to dread weekends as I would not be distracted by work! Classic cycle of abuse – tension – abuse – remorse – tension – abuse – remorse. It’s exhausting and confusing isn’t it? I would also think, once my ex was being nice again, did that happen? Did I cause it? Am I overreacting? Am I being unfair by not ‘being OK’ once he decides he is OK and sorry?
I hope he keeps his peace for you this weekend xx -
Thanks herindoors I always feel that same feeling of did I over react? It’s horrible as then I start thinking about what happened what was said and going over it all in my head. And then we have a nice period and I think ah ok all good maybe that’s that? And then of course it’s not!! Going to just try and take a deep breath this weekend and carry on.
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Hi,this is just what they want to thro you off balance and blame yourself and make you question yourself, i ive been in the horrible cycle of nicer then horrible, not so much nice the past few weeks tho, they draw you back in, its a never ending cycle.
They just expect us to pick up where they left off and carry on, I will not do that anymore, I think mine is more horrible to me in general as i do not fall back into the cycle anymore but at least I stand up for myself and pull him up, mine is not bad physically so its safer to do that, not advisable if its very physical, but i see the truth of what he is up to now, Ive recently got a good book called in sheeps clothing by Dr George Simon , expalains a lot.
It can be hard not to sucumb when they are nicer as you crave affection and cuddles thatin anon abusive relationship you would have but I have resisted all of that for (detail removed by Moderator) now as however nice he is I know he will revert back and the pain of that is too much to bear,but its hard x*x
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Dear ladies, i just want to let you know that there is another life available for you, normal and away from all of his horrible behavior. I broke up with my ex some months ago now, I remember when I was with him how I felt every day. I felt mentally disturbed, highly anxious and mistrustful. It was horrible. I had trouble sleeping, controlling my mood when I was away from him and was so withdrawn, I was like this the majority of the time. These days I think my life is normal. I have good positive times with people at work,laugh, sleep ok and I am not riddled with self doubt and anxiety. I do hope that you manage to find a way through all of this unnecessary anguish. X*X
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Thanks for all these comments…. The weekend has me even more confused but this is part of the endless cycle. I mostly did everything with my son this weekend as he was very tired from work but (detail removed by Moderator)he was all normal and nice. Took our son out in the afternoon, all happy and funny. Then got me dinner and was nice to, kissing me goodnight and when I don’t reciprocate I can tell he thinks I am just “cold” or “unaffectionate” but after everything he has done I don’t want to be normal and fine!! And I can’t . It makes me feel like I am going mad. It’s the polar opposite to how he was last weekend and last week. And now I am literally at the point when I can barely speak to him, and he’s being all normal. And it feels like I am making things worse. I sleep in the spare room now (have done for months) as I really don’t feel like being in the same bed as him. He’s not sexually abusive or anything I just don’t want to lie next to a man who behaves the way he does. And also being in my own bed gives me space away from him get good sleep read a good book etc. And now having seen a lawyer last week and looking into places to live I now think what am I doing? Why am I splitting up our family. Not in a away that I forgive what he has done or have forgotten… But I know this is the cycle and sure enough there will be another explosion soon and when that happens I think I am done…. finally. But there is a lot to be said for them being nice to draw you back in. So very confused about what my next step is…
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Dear Lilaclady, I recently found a note that I had scribbled when I was in the relationship with my ex, we split up months ago. This note was a clear demonstration of my state of mind at that point. I was unable to express any negative emotion with him, nor could we talk and resolve problems. I was blamed for everything. I wrote the note at a time I was desperate to get it out, I did not know about this forum then. I wrote how much i despised him, how me repulsed me, the revulsion, disgust and pure hate that I felt towards him. This was good for me to find this recently as thoughts change over time and with no contact. If you can start keeping a detailed journal of your thoughts, feelings and things that happened, with dates. This should help to clarify your thinking now and into the future. X*X
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That’s a great idea and I have sort of started doing that and you’re right it really helps when everything is normal and you are thinking like I am….what did that happen? I am the same as you were I can’t express any negative emotion to him or talk about things, he immediately says I am blaming him for EVERYTHING and causing problems. And we never talk or resolve problems which I find really trapping and frustrating. I would love to be able to have a normal row, sort it out and move on. Not the blaming, the denying, the nasty insults and the BANG I’m fine now and even though you’re not you need to move as if you don’t I’ll call you a victim or will get more annoyed that you haven’t moved on. Thanks Healthyarchive….. Waiting to see what he will be like tonight.
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A normal row would be so refreshing wouldn’t it. Feeling able to express your anger, get out your words and thoughts in full, talk about it with your partner. Be received feeling like you are listened to, you learn if you have done anything wrong, if somebody has wronged you they sincerely apologize and take responsibility. All of these things are normal life in a normal relationship. What you have with an abusive man is normally the complete opposite.
1. I were not allowed to express anger, hate, fear, mistrust as if I did he would either give me the silent treatment for weeks or end the relationship
2. I had to smile, be sexy, be fun, tolerate whatever………….this is all whilst he were lying, stealing from me, probably cheating, blaming me, avoiding any responsibility for anything
3. We were unable to sit together and have a mutual two way honest conversation about a problem with equal input, ownership and consideration for the other person. Our conversations were circular meaning you came away feeling nothing had been spoken about what you originally intended to discuss, I was blamed for everything, I came away feeling confused as he twisted it all.All of these things clearly demonstrates a person who lacks the basic skills in functioning in a healthy loving relationship. I am so much happier on my own.
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