Confused and exhausted

[Ribena]

I posted a couple of weeks ago how he was threatening suicide. He didn’t do it obviously, but he caused a huge amount of distress to me and his family. He was hospitalised and released the next day after being deemed no risk by the mental health team and a few days later he acts as if nothing has happened. I’m utterly exhausted by the years of abuse. And I mean exhausted. I get the kids to bed, sit down and find myself waking up on the sofa a few hours later. I feel like I’m on my knees. He has still managed to send abusive texts, I’m to blame for his mental health issues, I’m stupid, worthless, insignificant, blah blah blah. I told him I will get a harassment order if he continues. I’ll see what effect that has, probably not much.

So I had a lightbulb moment, I need to get geographically away from him. We no longer live together – thank God I’m out of that – but I bought a house only last month a few minutes from him to enable him to see the children regularly under my supervision. It has been a big mistake as I have no family support here or friends I can really tell all this stuff to – the people I can do this with are (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. I told my parents my moving intentions and they’ve gone ballistic, particularly my mother which I’m stunned by as it would mean she’d by (detail removed by Moderator) minutes from her grandchildren not (detail removed by Moderator) minutes. It appears that my parents are more concerned about me potentially losing money on the house than they are my wellbeing. She hung up on me today when I reiterated I’d be doing what’s best for me and my children and if that means moving so be it. She has no understanding despite knowing the majority of stuff he has done, including one incident aimed at them when he slashed the tyres of their car a few years back. I am just stunned.

To top it off, when I went out for the evening for only the 2nd time this year last weekend and my parents were babysitting, my dad said “you’re not going out like that are you?”. I was wearing a non revealing knee length dress. He has said stuff like that in the past but always laughs it off as “I’m just joking”. Hard as it is to take I’m beginning to understand why I ended up with my ex and why I put up with it for so long.

Feeling quite devastated right now 😪

[SaharaD]

Unfortunately abusers pick up where we are vulnerable and use that against us. If our parents never complimented us or were always condescending, the abuser does the opposite to get us hooked.

[Lisa]

Hi Ribena,

Thanks for your post. I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment, however it’s completely understandable considering the terrible abuse he has put you through. Sadly, many abusers use the threat of suicide as an extremely manipulative abusive tactic.

It’s also very hard for you regarding your parents; you’re not alone with this, many survivors find that family and friends often don’t have sufficient understanding to be able to provide the right support. Sometimes it’s the case that they are unwilling/unable to accept the truth; this might change in time.

I encourage you to follow your instinct and do what you feel is best for you and your children. It sounds like you’ve decided that it would make life better for you if you had some distance away from him.

Please remember you can always call the 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence; you can talk to them about options for moving.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Sometimes family just dont understand, i personally always post on here as i find the ladies here can support and guide me better, we cant always please everyone, i think u r a t apoint where u need to think about yourseslf and whats best for u and the kids, mkae the decision what u want to do and just do it.Dont worry what others think, it is your life and u have to do what is best for u, i went through that stage where nobody understood my decisions, but i still did what i thought felt right and it work out best for me. As for your dad, well sadly again his thinking is just backwards making in appropriate comments like that, my dad personally used to do the same to me as i was growing up, mocking how I dress and look, even now hw tries to make comments which offend me, btu what shocks him more is he gets told straight now, he knows now i will speak my mind and thinks twice before making comments to me .

[Author]

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