Confused and numb

[Dishmosh]

Hi
I’m not sure if this is the right place to even write this, but I feel stuck and hurt.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for almost (detail removed by moderator) years. We aren’t married, but we have two children together (I will keep their ages private). He also has an older child from a previous relationship, and we get on really well and have a good level of respect when here.
My partner smokes, both tobacco & weed and he has done since he was young so long before we were together. I don’t know the true cost but it will be hundreds a month. I will clear it up now that he is never physically violent to myself or the children, nor does he speak aggressively to them. He doesn’t smoke around them, and they don’t see or know of weed in the house.
When he doesn’t have baccy, he’s just a bit agitated. He is a tiny bit snappy but no more so than I might be around a certain time of the month. When he doesn’t have weed, he’s impossible to be around. He won’t speak, and when he does it’s swear word filled sarcasm.
Money is an issue. We aren’t skint, but we aren’t well off. He doesn’t care about the bills or finances so I am ‘in charge’ of them and he just gives me money each month towards them. I’ve tried to get him involved before so he can calm down the weed as it was leaving us with no money, but he borrowed money or just got weed on ‘tick’.
Every week we get about £(detail removed by moderator) benefit for the children, and he asks for money out of it for weed and baccy. Weekly, without fail. As I’m ‘in charge’ of the bills / money, I use their money predominantly on them. So the weekly money goes on their lunches, dinners, activities and bits of fresh food for them throughout the week. He says I’m being selfish.
This is then the point he will go to his mum and say that WE are short of money for food for the kids and can WE borrow £(detail removed by moderator). She will happily lend the money because WE need the money and she doesn’t want US to go without.
He will then get tobacco, some weed cash, and then some ‘tick’.
Repeat this weekly.
Then get to payday, and he owes out whatever he owes to whoever he gets it from, WE owe his mum usually about £(detail removed by moderator), and then our usual bills on top (which leave us with about £(detail removed by moderator) on a good month).
He tells me he’s not addicted to weed and could happily go without it, but doesn’t want to. His best friend is a mirror image of him, personality and everything and they both think the same so that’s his go-to for support; someone who also doesn’t think logically.

Due to his weed intake his paranoia is through the roof, he accuses me of historical cheating (which I have never done), asks me why I own sexy underwear if I never wear it, why we don’t have sex often, why I have an excuse for not having sex all the time, why am I distant, why do I work full time, why do I have a credit card, do I look at other men instead of him, and I’ve given him the simple response of “I’m exhausted.” It’s exhausting being mum, keeping house, I do everything in the house too (cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing etc) I work quite a stressful job but I do like it, but he’s exhausting me and I don’t feel attractive to someone who is constantly undermining me.
After work I get home, put the kids to bed, have a shower, and go to bed myself. Most nights I don’t eat dinner as I don’t get time.
Weekends are spent doing the washing I haven’t had time to do in the week, shopping, and trying to do homework and prepare for the week ahead.
I get my nails done (detail removed by moderator) by a friend for a very very minimal cost and he says it’s a waste of money. I haven’t had my hair done in over two years because it’s a ‘waste of money’. I don’t get my eyebrows done anymore because he says I don’t need them doing, so that’s a waste of money too.
I treated myself when I got a promotion at work to a new phone (bought it outright with the bonus) and I had to return it because I ‘didn’t need it and we could have used that money on something better for the family’.
If I get myself new clothes I’m now getting them from charity shops and getting receipts to save the headache.

My priority is my kids, and he is forever moaning that I don’t see him as a priority. Feels like he just cares about himself, not me, and wants the world to revolve around him.
He is getting weed from at least (detail removed by moderator) different people (and that’s that I know of) and I saw him give £(detail removed by moderator) to one person today (payday) which is (detail removed by moderator)% of his wages.
I have tried to work our via a benefit calculator life without him and I can’t do it, I’d lose the house, I couldn’t afford to work and I couldn’t afford childcare. I’ve worked my absolute a*s off to get where I am in my job now and I don’t want to give it up for a lowlife (I see that’s what he is) like him, but I don’t know what to do.
He isn’t willing to change but I don’t know if it’s abuse or what I can actually do. It’s not directly impacting the children, as I make sure their needs are met over my own. I’m going without food, a life basically so that they get a proper diet, activities, clothes, etc.
Sorry for the huge waffle, I’ve harboured this for quite a while and it’s all needing to come out now.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi well done for posting and sadly you are in the right place. He is draining you emotionally and financially, which is abuse. You don’t have to give up your house or go on benefits. Try and take a step back. Count up the outgoings of the house(take out his w..d consumption +what he contributes to the house) see what you’re bringing in plus family allowance. Without him you’d get tax credits and your council tax would be reduced to single person. Once the financial,logical part is sorted in your head you’ll be able to begin to sort out the emotional. Remember houses are only bricks and mortar, your health,sanity and happiness are worth so much more. He will never change though I warn you when you get stronger he will promise you anything. Your children do know what’s going on, they may not understand but they know.not in the way we do,but children are smaller versions of us,they feel and hurt the same way as adults. Your priority is your kids, keep that. I didn’t, I put him first and it was fir nothing. He still wasn’t happy when they went to live with their dad, he still felt threatened by them, tried to turn me against them. Look up the FOG of abuse and the cycle of abuse also trauma bonding. Keep posting and reading others posts. Have you contacted you gp or your local WA yet. They usually have a local lawyer on board who will give their first visit free.its good to know where we stand financially. I first saw their lawyer a year ago, I have left my husband been over 6months, but not quite ready to go down that route yet. Good luck and keep posting.
IWMB 💞💞

[Dishmosh]

I’m so much more lost since posting and I genuinely think I’m trapped. He’s told his friends and family that I’m withholding money from him, and that I’m being hostile and distant basically splitting us up.
I’ve had messages, including some quite abusive ones, from his friends telling me that I need to cut my attitude and open my legs more often and just give him sex to keep him happy, and give him more money so he can get his weed when he wants, I shouldn’t be selfish. That hasn’t happened.
Since I last posted, I opened up, secretly, a basic bank account to put the childrens money in to, as he had access to my other bank accounts through online banking on his phone. He also has access to my credit cards and they’re maxed so I needed to know something was safe.
He’s been sneaking out at night to go to his friends and been coming back really late and hiding it (I don’t know where, I can smell it on him or in the house but can’t find it). I know that his one friends family grows it, so it would be insanely easy for him to just pop round and get some. He has a large social circle of people he could get it off to be honest, and not have to pay for it until a later date.
Its consuming him, if he doesn’t have any he doesn’t just go without, he has to find somebody that day who has some.

He has been off work the past two days looking after the children as I couldn’t have time off. He hasn’t had any all day until the second I got through the door and then he left. So I had been out since 7am, got back at 6pm, had to do them both dinner, bath them, put them to bed, have a shower myself and prep their lunches for tomorrow, he got back at 9.

I can’t leave this home without us both agreeing to terminate the tenancy. My landlord said it’ll take both of our signatures in order to move on but he won’t do it. He’s made me behind with council tax, water, TV licence, my credit cards are maxed, I’ve had hire purchase items for him, phone contracts all in my name because his rating was so awful.. all in all I’m about £10k down because of him and I wish I had the confidence to take a step but I don’t.
I just keep thinking things will get better things will improve.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there I’m glad you’ve reposted. Please contact your local WA, there are ways of getting them out of shared leases. Some landlords are more sympathetic than others though. You say he isn’t physical, yet his psychological and emotional abuse is far worse. What would you tell a friend If they were to tell you what you’ve told us. It really does take time fir reality to sink in that our life partners are abusive,but once it does, that’s the road away from them. You’ve taken your first baby steps on that road by posting on here, so take credit fir that. Opening up is extremely hard to do, so well done.
You don’t have an attitude, he does. He thinks he’s entitled to treat you and the family any way he pleases. He’s having no consequences for his behaviour. W*f is this open your legs rubbish, how dare they speak to you that way. Aa if you’ll even want him sexually, the way he’s treating you. Don’t waste your energy trying to defend yourself to these people, your going to need it fir the journey ahead. In the meantime keep healthy, eat well and exercise.. standing up to then is hard, but he’s going to abuse you whether you do or don’t do what he says/wants. The goalposts change daily.
Keep posting, keep learning about hidden abuse. Look up grey rock tutorials on YouTube.
Love and strength
IWMB 💞💞

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