Confused, anxious and feeling powerless

[Whites1]

Hi there,
New user here. Feeling let down just recently
When I made the decision to dial 999. Been with my husband for years, newly weds. Red flags from the off. Moved in together too soon, had a child too soon. Realised he had a serious drink And drug problem about (detail removed by moderator) months into the relationship. Very aggressive, physically and verbally abusive, manipulative. Found out he had (detail removed by moderator) other children later into the relationship. He denied it at fist (wouldn’t that be an important topic to bring up)I was heavily pregnant with his child at the time.
Got caught up in an pathetic argument that got out of control again. Got out unscathed this time but drew a line for me when he threatened to leave with my son and not return him. This is the second time this has happened and the 2nd time I have dialed 999. I fled the house to call them in fear that he would smash my phone up. He actually wanted me to call them and threatening to see what happens if I did. Most crazy person I actually know. When the police arrived I explained what happened. He refused to let me back in our house and the police stayed to escort him out with my son in tow. I feel totally let down in all honesty and don’t know which way to turn. I am back at home with my boy and him still, anxiously waiting for the next time something kicks off. Our marriage is in tatters we no longer communicate and I’m so scared of telling him how I really feel because of how he may react. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[diymum@1]

have you called the help line? you cant get out of this situation safely without help. some police men/women are great others just dont ‘get it’ call womens aid it sounds like refuge would be a good option for you. safety comes first you can sort out the finances from refuge. its scary but that fear is with you for a reason to keep you and your son safe. he sounds very aggressive give them a call when you get time alone. dont let him know your planning to go with your boy. get your docs and essentials together discreetly xx might not be what you want to hear or have to do but this is going to be the only way xx its the best thing i ever did xxxx love diymum

[Sunflower1]

I can so relate to your post, my partner is similar and takes our son as a punishment to me, he did it again recently and while I was gathering up evidence looking at old messages I saw a pattern and the first time he did it was 5 years ago, I don’t know why I didn’t leave then I definitely should have as it hasn’t got better it’s got worse really. I am still here planning my exit but I am going. I honestly think there is only one solution for us and that is to leave, people like this don’t change, they’ve crossed a line and there is no going back. I shouldn’t have stayed this long and I have no idea why I did, my advice to anyone would be don’t leave it any longer, get out as soon as you can x

[Whites1]

Hey Sunflower1- thanks for the response. I’m glad to hear you are making plans to get out as am I. I totally sympathise with you on this one. To me it’s like they have no more rocks to throw and he has already done so much damage. I’m like a walking shell of nothingness. So what’s left after that’s all gone, oh yeah use my son as a weapon. Which let’s be honest only hurts and unsettles the child, in the end.

[Sunflower1]

I agree with you too about not telling them, I plan to get out first then tell him I’m not going back. I think he may say that me and the children can have the house we both rent as it is their home but he’s said before he’ll leave and it doesn’t happen. All these things happen and then he just acts like normal, how can you behave like that, hurt someone take our son, threaten, shout, throw things then the next day talk about getting new furniture? I just don’t get it. Glad to hear you are making plans. I honestly don’t know what’s happened to my life, I don’t go anywhere or do anything for just me anymore I’ve lost myself somewhere along the line. Good luck to you and your son. We can do this for us and our children x

[Whites1]

Wow. Sunflower1. Your story sounds so similar to mine. They act so oblivious don’t they. Like the time before our last big altercation he was so stressed with work and debts he took it out on me. Then the next week when he’s decided to be nice and gets me on side obv because of the c**p he caused he starts banging on about redecorating (detail removed by moderator) and stuff. Don’t get it at all tbh. But I’m slowly learning. He knows I’m extremely unhappy although I’m bored of keep going through it with him because he just tries to justifies his actions all the time. My H too refuses to leave as he says there is no way I’m going back to my parents but then expects to live with me until god knows when. Telling me how things are gonna work. He don’t take me seriously at all then uses the charm or the guilt to get his way again.

 

[Whites1]

Thankyou diymum@1. It is totally what I need to hear. I’m still in the denial stage I think. I’ve had no support from the police and the social services are a complete waste of time. They turned up at the door unannounced, a reckless thing to do in my eyes if they have been notified of the situation and the violence. I tried to rearrange our appointment. But my husband came home early from work. I tried to discreetly message saying it was not a good time and straight away they was calling my mobile. I will give women’s aid a call very soon and have a chat about my options. I think I’m finally ready to leave….I’m soooo done.

[diymum@1]

yeh that isnt very subtle not good. i didnt find social services wanted to help us but there was no physical abuse at the time mainly verbal and intimidation. womens aid are your first go to point your GP too tell her whats been happening so its documented by a professional.

were all in denial to start with we dont want to admit theyre abusive and keep trying – dont be like me i waited 20 years!! wish i hadnt now but hey got there 🙂 the realisation will dawn on you the more you read – why does he do that by lundy bancroft is on pdf. these men are very similar. have you heard off EI? emotional intelligence these men dont have this theyre stunted emotionally there is no reasoning with them xx easy for me to say but save yourself lots of greif by trying. open your eyes and youll see this situation is not right. this can stop but you need proper help to keep safe

ok love xxxx

[Whites1]

Hi Diymum1- so I’ve just spent a few hours reading some of that why does he do it, that you recommended. Omg! Such an insight into the world of an abuser. It has really validated what I already sort of new but has helped me pin point exact behaviours and has so helped me better understand. Especially the Varying faces of one man part….. Feeling really positive and enlightened tonight. I thank you for all your support.

I also watched a video about that amazing lady on utube. Something stuck out to me that I never have thought before… she says violence is like an addiction, even for the abused, addicted to the trauma and carnage it creates. That’s why you cannot leave. I so get that in a really obscure way.

[Whites1]

Diymum@1- I have been keeping my own records, lots of intimidating, abusive messages and threats about people close to me. I have sent them to a secure source for a later date. I’ve also been photocopying documents like marriage certificate ect.. all my important documents are in an accessible place to get to when I need them… passports, birth certificates..

I haven’t come across EI?? And I will defo read up on the Lundy Bancroft piece So thank you.

[diymum@1]

it took along time until the light bulb came on for me. i should have left much sooner and i totally regret it now. i think it took him to try to take my house from me and my youngest child through the courts. he didnt suceed but from there i new he would stop at nothing to ‘win’

its scarey and it may well be the hardest thing for you to do. just take that leap of faith it will fall into place xx it takes time to recover. also have a look at ‘ an entitled attitude’ i think i have an old post about this its quite eye opening xx

[Whites1]

I think the light bulb moment was definitely when he said about not returning my son. I think it bought back memories of when he done it the first time too me. My boy was just a babe in arms. It was so traumatic for me prob becos he was a new baby and I was soo protective of him and unsettled in my environment at the time, well and ever since really. It was right then when I thought that’s it enough I can’t do this. Plus it was the 2nd time that week he was violent towards me. I even showed the police the bruises and frictions burns up my arm from the previous assault, I even tried jumping out of a moving vehicle when the assault took place.I just thought what the hell am I doing. Actually willing to risk my life and hurt my own self. But even that didn’t make me reach for help.

“Entitled attitude” just that right there rings a bell. He believes everyone owes him something, wants everything handed on a plate and when people do not play to his tune he turns nasty, aggressive. Whether that be with me, or even a complete stranger. He is so disgusting he even spat through a (detail removed by moderator) window recently because he failed to (detail removed by moderator)!! I thought what a dirty animal and also cowardly I thought well least it’s not aimed at me! Little did I know how he would react when I got home and told him how I felt about it. Entitlement right there like he owns the road or he’s more important so they should stop for him or something.

[diymum@1]

its disgusting alright xx horrible.

i was the same it got so out of hand your life can be at risk the caos they cause is immense. do this for yourself and your child. im overloading u with info but have you seen erin pizzy on youtube? she opened the first ever refuge in the 70s. shes a writer and a psychologist she studied the thousands of women and children that came through her doors. she saw that kids need good male role models otherwise the result later can be catastrophic. her books cant be bought because she dosent agree with gender bias. she wte what she saw domestic abuse drastically effects our kids. if this is your driving force use it to get away x*x you wont look back xx

[Whites1]

I can’t say I have but I will have a little search up later. She sounds amazing.
Looks like my boy is pretty much doomed then… both his grandads and his father are alcoholics. The only male role models he has apart from my siblings who surprise surprise I no longer am in contact with. No family, very few friends, different county. I often think why have I done this to myself, you know isolated myself….

[diymum@1]

not necessarily its really where abuse is concerned.you never know whats round the corner and to be honest lots of kids fair really well in single parent families. i know what you mean i dont do alone very well at all xx

[Whites1]

Me again…
Having a wobble today and feeling extremely low about my current situation. It’s gone from aggressive to now passive aggressive as he hasn’t spoke to me because of the social workers unannounced visit, saying that I’ve changed my attitude towards him. I tried to talk as the silence and death stares was driving me mad. He said (detail removed by moderator) and then brings up the police incident again saying (detail removed by moderator). (this is the usual vile stuff that spills out his mouth, mocking the situation) when I told him that he does not respect me or my feelings. I usually brush it off and come across quite hard faced but I absolutely crumbled and was heightened with intense emotion. I removed myself and sat in another room, still upset and tearful. Then I hear him laughing and joking with the kids, they are completely unaware of what he has just said as they where not in the house at the time. I feel like he is trying to turn them against me or something. How can someone just change their behaviour so quickly from vile to nice and I’m sitting here in absolute anguish about the whole ordeal. Then the kids are thinking il keep out of mums way cos she’s moody again. It’s so frustrating.

 

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