Confused , anxious and sad – please read and reply

[Shecando]

Hi there

not sure where to start really. My husband has a habit of going through low moods at which point he messages me very lengthy texts about what I’ve done to annoy him . His latest was very ranty and a friend said it was horrid and he shouldn’t speak to me like that. It was all over not being able to find something . His latest thing with me is I’m awkward . There is always something and I can’t keep up with it. Another recent thing he does is say no follow ups when I go to give my answer or opinion. Or he will tell me not to pipe up or who invited you to speak. Last few days have been awful, ranty texts, telling me he will be ringing me at a certain time to tell me things he’s not happy with ( I don’t get to have my say). I bit the bullet and suggested that I would like to have a chat to but haven’t had the opportunity , his response was what for , there can’t be anything , there’s never been anything working except what I’ve created. He was quite happy to say everything he is feeling is ‘ on me ‘ and if I don’t change he will move out or to the spare room or a friends . He’s been on the sofa the last (detail removed by Moderator) nights but when he’d had a drink (detail removed by Moderator) was in our bed , it’s almost as if he is punishing me but forgot the night he had a drink . Does that sound silly ? I’m trying to make sense of it all but never quite can. In some ways I wish I’d had an affair so I could understand why he was like this with me. My teen son said dad is off with you and I can’t cope with it , he has autism. I’m trying to be normal around my husband , talking normally , making dinner and so on. He goes away (detail removed by Moderator) and said if he’s feeling like this it will be such a shame as he won’t be able to enjoy what he’s doing as if that is on me to put right. I don’t what to leave , that isn’t an option at the moment but need support  to help navigate my way through this. He told me if people knew what I was like they would say he is being abused . He says some truly awful things to me like ‘ do I have to look at your forlorn face ‘ ‘ you’re acting the victim .’
please can someone reply , it’s a Sunday and I feel very alone

[Sad and alone]

Hey there. So sorry you’re having to deal with this. This sort of behaviour is thoroughly draining. You can’t do anything right, you take everything js says to you and about you, and then you’re expected to be normal. Like his actions don’t have consequences.

I too have to hear all the bad things that I am, how I am the cause of every upset, I need to change. Everything I say is twisted round. Recently he is making himself out to be a victim and like your husband blaming me for ruining things. Like you, after these incidents, I try to pick myself up and brush myself off and carry on as “normal”. Trying to convince myself that I need to make more of an effort and just get over it and move on. But I know it will happen again.

I can’t really give any advice as I’m in the same position. I’ve tried not reacting/replying. It takes two to make an argument they say. But then you also have to blank out the bad things he says about you whilst you’re saying nothing. There’s no point arguing or standing up for yourself as they won’t have it. They’re right and that’s all they’ll think. Although they may concede on a couple of points to try and appear willing to accept some responsibility. Remember that you know you better than anyone else.

There is a chat service here and on other DA sites where you can speak to someone and get advice about your situation. Also your GP. It’s a good first step and they can give you details of other support available.

Post here too. And read posts. Sometimes it helps reading similar stories and recognising you’re really not alone in your situation.

Sorry again. I hope today gets better for you xx

[Shecando]

Thank you for replying and sorry to hear you are in the same position . I feel so so tired and drained. I just said to him that I didn’t understand what I’d done and he said that proves I never listen to him. He was using a very loud voice at the bottom of the garden and I hate the thought of people hearing as all the things he was saying were horrid about me. I know I’m a good person and I know I try my best . I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I did suggest that maybe it’s easier for to me have a conversation with other people as they don’t tell me no follow ups. He didn’t like that and said he has to say it because he knows where the conversation goes . He accuses me of undermining him which I may have done years ago when the children were small and you’re finding your feet  but I don’t anymore . He doesn’t let me forget anything. He says it’s all in my head , a professional would ever be able to offer help to him because it’s absurd and it’s all on me – ‘ your doing ‘ his favourite thing is blaming my dad who he never met and has been dead many years.
I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here ../

 

[Sad and alone]

You are a good person. Please don’t listen to he negativity they send your way. You know you.

I am the same. I never know what I do that is so bad. He can go from fine to a mood in a matter of minutes. I don’t know what I’ve done, but you can feel the atmosphere change. When I ask what it is it usually boils down to it just being the way I am. I say I don’t want lots of things, I don’t go out all the time or spend loads of money, I don’t have affairs. What do I do that is so bad? They often can’t tell you as there is no reasoning behind the way they are. They just want to have control over the situation and be able to make you feel the way they want you to feel.

His new thing seems to be telling me how everyone else thinks I’m stupid or incompetent or just a plain idiot. He tells people about me and then says they can’t believe it (whatever he’s said). He’s happy if I just agree with everything and don’t have an opinion. If I have an opinion I am fighting against him. He cannot accept a different thought on anything. He would never say actually, you’re right. He wants me to bend to his thinking.

I am sure if anyone overheard your conversation they would feel sorry for you, not believe what was being said. It’s so easy to advise others!

I would recommend doing a live chat with women’s aid. They could really give you some advice and ways of coping xx

[Shecando]

Hey again
thank you

I have done the live chat with women’s aid , they can’t offer ongoing support which they make clear but when I’ve phoned a few times I’ve been cared for and signposted.
I do know me but is it good enough ? Do I do all the things he is accusing me of ? Undermining?Interrupting  him ? I can’t do anything but he cans risk to me like c**p.
what you have written could be me – I want to know why I put up with it ? Why do I allow someone to be mean and unkind to me ?
I am sorry you feel the same and I hope things get easier for you . I feel like things are getting harder the longer we are together

sending hugs x*x

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