Confused Emotions

[AirBlue]

I’ve recently left an abusive relationship. It’s still incredibly early days and I’m experiencing a lot of confusing emotions.

When I initially left my ex, he kept trying to make contact: texting, calling, using withheld numbers, emailing me, emailing my employer. Thankfully, that has all stopped now and it’s been nearly two days since I’ve had any form of contact from him.

While I know I should be grateful, there is a big piece of me that misses him and wishes he would make contact, but I don’t know why. I know that I wouldn’t respond if he were ever to make that contact, but, deep down, I really wish he would.

Part of me misses the person he was at the beginning. Part of me wants him to make that contact because I want to feel as though I meant something to him – that I’m on his mind somehow. It almost feels like I don’t want to have gone through months of abuse to be easily forgotten.

I don’t know how to make sense of it.

[SunshineAngel]

Dear Airblue,

I am glad to hear that you have left your abuser. Congratulations on taking this brave and difficult step.
I can relate to your feelings, I am going through the same. My ex wasn’t allowed to contact me at first because of bail conditions. The second they ended he contacted me and I felt so panicked. I got an emergency non-molestation and he has not contacted me directly since. I also miss him a lot at times and often feel worried that I won’t be able to cope by myself. When I reflect on that I realize that I have managed so much in my life and even in the weeks since he has been arrested, so I really don’t have any reason not to trust in my abilities.
I just found out that my ex has a new girlfriend. It has not been long since we were planning our wedding and he told me he wanted to be with me forever. I found that this really hurt my ego, am I so easily replaced? I just remind myself that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. It’s not personal. He’s a bad person and an abuser. He had to find a new woman to abuse immediately after he lost access to me because he can’t be alone. He will never be a happy, self-sufficient person. But I can be. And I can treat myself well and be a kind, good person.
My advice to you would be to focus on yourself. Think about your future and what you want your life to be like. You don’t have to worry about him anymore. You are what matters now. You are a strong woman and I am sure you are not someone to be easily forgotten. Be kind to yourself X

[AirBlue]

Dear SunshineAngel,

Thank you so much for your response. While I wish that you weren’t experiencing the same emotions, it’s nice to know that I’m not completely alone. Despite the fact that I’ve been surrounding by more love and support since I left him than what I received from him in our entire relationship, it doesn’t quite feel the same. I will take your advice though and try to focus more on myself.

I’m so glad that you got out too and sincerely hope that you’re in a much better place. Like you said, it’s not that you can easily be replaced: it’s just that someone else is needed for an abuser to sustain themselves.

I hope that you’re in a much better place.
x

[starryeyed]

I feel very similarly to you. It’s been a short while since I had any contact with my ex, and I feel like I miss him still but I am still having the anxiety and nightmares. I also wish he would get in touch with me, although I know it would make me feel awful and I know I couldn’t respond. I felt like I had no control of my life before and isolated, but I feel just as out of control and isolated now. Like my decision to leave wasn’t my decision, it wasn’t how I wanted things to turn out. I find myself still looking at some of his social media pages although I am no longer on there and cannot see anything – it is awful, like tormenting myself but I can’t stop. I keep thinking about him being with someone new – because he would need to find someone to be with to abuse, he couldn’t be alone. I wonder if he has found someone already, I wonder if he was faithful to me when we were together anyway – as a few things point to this not being the case. In a way, it makes me dislike him more because I feel like I never knew him at all and how can you replace someone so easily…but I also feel jealous and sad and heartbroken.

It’s a confusing time for us. Take care of yourself. You aren’t alone feeling this <3 x*x

[AirBlue]

Starryeyed: I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing something similar. It’s really not a pleasant experience to have to go through. You are so strong for leaving and these feelings will subside over time. Thankfully, there’s a forum like this to pull us through.

Serenity: Thank you so much for your reply. Trauma bonding sounds about right. I do feel very bound to him still.

[Serenity]

How you are feeling is perfectly normal. There’s a kind of trauma bonding that ties us to an abuser- even if we were the one who left. It’s a continuation of the confusion that existed within the relationship.

As time goes on, things will become clearer and you will feel less bonded. In fact, a healthy anger takes its place!

Keep going. You’re a strong lady x

[Author]

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