Confused is it me?

[Confusedcarol]

Hi everyone, I’m in a relationship and I’m feeling like it’s not right or is this normal?
I think the best way is probably to show messages and maybe yous can give me your opinions. Is it ok to do that.

I’m getting to a point when I’m so upset I feel like I’m gonna have a breakdown it brings on migraines, but my partner is saying it’s me that I’m a bully, I’m controlling, but I don’t understand as every decision goes through him well I ask if the decisions are ok even with my kids who are not his.

I don’t even know if this all makes sense, I don’t know how to put it all down that’s why I’m saying maybe reading the messages would put light on it.

[Darcy]

Good morning my beautiful angel… confusedcarol,
Well done for posting, I think the fact you did shows that somewhere deep down inside of you, you know this situation is not right.
Dig deep to find that part of you and get back into your power.
This is a classic thing that abusers do… they spin your head, they confuse you and then tell you, you are crazy… you are not.
Sit quietly with yourself, even if its just while you are in the bathroom and get clear on everything.
Then if you can start to do a bit of research on abuse, it will give you a clearer picture of what’s going on.
You also need to start to get strong from the inside so start practicing some self love and self care
This also is not a healthy situation for your children so you need to start thinking about your options for changing this situation
Stay in touch on the forum
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Unfortunately, the forum doesn’t allow postings like actual messages as it’s identifying.
But what you are describing are “crazy making behaviors”. Thus is a classic abuser technique. One of the first signs of abuse is that you start questioning your own reality and perceptions. This is because you are being exposed to psychological manipulation and gaslighting. These behaviors are very difficult to spot when it’s being done by someone close to you and directed at you. Think of it as like radiation. You can’t see the radiation rays but you can see it’s destructive effect on everything around it. So you may not be able to see how he’s abusing you but you can feel the effect. Your migraines are a symptom of his abuse.
This is why it’s really crucial to talk to people who can validate your experience. Abusive relationships are very invalidating. Have you reached out to your local WA? I think you’ll find a lot of clarity if you can have private conversations with people who understand abuse.

[ISOPeace]

Even though you didn’t describe much of his behavioir there will be loads of people on this forum who understand what you mean. Controlling you but accusing you of being the bully/controller is typical behaviour from an abuser.

I would recommend reading up on abuse to understand what’s going on. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft was a real eye opener for me and you can find it free online.

Don’t try to convince him that he’s the bully, he’ll just continue to accuse you of being the problem.

Well done for reaching out here. You’ll find lots of support and understanding here. Sending love xxxx

[Sunshines]

Yep I got called a bully all the time & it was so confusing because I actually started to think it was me. It wasn’t, the whole cycle starts with them. Then after a while they flip it.
I started to hit back and do things back in the end. At first I would take it in the end I started to really do some crazy stuff back and that’s when it gets most dangerous I think. It’s like you have nothing else to lose.
You do lose your sanity, they absorb your energy and your days are focused on keeping them entirely happy.
So no it’s not you, it’s him. You’ll see that eventually xx

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