Confused, is it part of the cycle ?

[Plodding]

I feel I’m being nieve here. I know it’s part of it to have the “hoovering” back in stage but this has me struggling this time . I have had recent conversations with my n*****t h where I ended up saying probably too much (so making myself more vulnerable) thinking as I usually do that I can reason with him about getting him to see that his behaviour isn’t acceptable . Each time we have these conversations it usually goes the same way with the same things said (by him) ie what about his feelings and how Iv made him feel by accusing him of being this person etc and throws it all back at me . He has never showed any acknowledgment empathy for my feelings or appeared to take any responsibility at all and then this week (seemed prompted) he said sorry for making me feel rubbish . This is the first time he has said this . Despite saying sorry and that he really isn’t this horrid person I “accuse “ him of I still can’t see he really accepts what he does is wrong . I don’t k is how much of this I should take as genuine . His explanation for his meanness recently is that he becomes defensive which I think he means as a result of all the things Iv tried to address with him . I know it sounds like I might be in the honeymoon stage but when it’s happening in reality with his ability to appear so genuine it’s hard to see it for anything other than that he might be trying to behave , he has been really respectful and kind. It is so confusing
Thank you x

[Bananaboat]

Is it part of the cycle? Yes, he’s learnt what he was doing before no longer works so now he’s saying the words ‘sorry’ and putting the blame onto your actions. Hes trying to hook you with what you want/need to hear. We have all hoped and believed those words meant a positive step and maybe they will but watch if his actions change too and be careful of being blamed, again we’ve all been there and lost sleep thinking what could we have done differently when it’s actually on them.

[Anonymous]

Hi Plodding. I hope I’m not intruding here but it seems I can relate to what you are saying in your post . I keep questioning myself . Then I see a post and I relate to it . Thank you for posting your post I just wish you was not in the situation you are in . I hope you get the life you deserve. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’m as knowledgeable as a lot of people on the forum so a lot of my posts are probably rubbish. I know I don’t know anyone on the forum but I would not wish anyone any harm . When I was a child I knew what my father did to my mother and that was far worse than my story . Please take care and stay safe x

[Shocknawe]

Hi Plodding,
I can relate to some extent. He never said sorry but he would say that he acknowledged what I’d say to him but immediately would blame it on me – this would then shift to the narrative that he was working on it but then that it was me the one who didn’t work on herself. It was a rollercoaster and would leave me very confused: was it me? Was he sorry? Was I the one to blame? In any case, it was a nightmare and not a nice life.

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Same here !!!!
He does this all the time
One minute putting out the washing, the next hitting me around the head and twisting my arm !!!!
I am now taking photos, keeping a diary, and clothes that have been ripped or have blood on.
He will NEVER except blame for ANYTHING, its ALWAYS somebody else’s fault(usually mine)
Now refusing to help me pay debts including one to a close family member, its SO SO hard to cope with, I live in one room, do my fair share of chores, its never enough for him !!!
His multiple marriages now make me see, he is a cruel manipulative monster
So yes this is what they are like, make us feel as bad as possible, then do something nice(until the next time)
Take care, stay strong x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Plodding

Thanks for your post. My husband does this all the time. He is currently in victim mode, looking sad, depressed and would do anything I ask… at the moment and then, if I see more of him, newly separated but he see’s children, he will start getting subtly aggressive, start the controlling tactics, then he will progress flipping in and out of different characters as non of then are real, they are all tactics to find a way back in.
I feel full of anxiety and question myself constantly and then I come on here, reading posts, some similar to my situation and I can see the pattern again, it helps, it helps me to stop minimising the abuse he has/is putting me through.

Stay strong x*x

[Author]

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